1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Straight Crush and learning to let go

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by chizzels406, Mar 25, 2016.

  1. chizzels406

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 24, 2016
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    U.S.A
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Hello everyone,

    This is my first post on this forum, and I just want to say that its so nice to see how much support and love is given on this forum to people seeking help, the outreach is phenomenal and I love it! I recently have found myself in a bit of a situation that I'm having trouble processing. I have a good idea as to what I'm feeling, and how to deal with it, but I'm still not sure, so lets get started, shall we.....

    I am a 30 year old gay male living in Montana, who has been in a relationship with a 35 year old gay man for about 6 years now. When we first met I was head over heels for him, he was the nicest, smartest, sweetest, sexiest guy i'd met, he took care of me and knew just what to do and say to make me happy, and things started out great. For the past 6 years, it has been going pretty steady for the most part, had some bumps in the road so to say, but we've rolled over them, and its made our relationship stronger. I still love my boyfriend with all my heart, and would do anything for him, but recently within the last year to 5 months, i've felt myself starting to have feelings for another guy, who happens to be straight, and in a 2 year relationship with his girlfriend, and I'm just at a loss as to what to do with myself.

    I've known my straight friend for about 4 years now, lets call him J, who is 26, who I met at my BF's sisters party one night, and we just sorta hit it off when we found out we shared a common hobby (we'll just call it horticulture). At that time he was with another girl, call her M. He has known since that day I met him that I was gay and he told me he "didnt have a problem with it" and that he was cool with it. He's a really laid back guy who is pretty childish at heart, by that i mean lots of crude sex jokes, silly potty humor that sort of thing, shit that just makes you laugh, but hes still smart and mature, and devilishly good at what he does, and also really shy and reserved about a lot of stuff.

    At first I didn't really have any attraction to him at the beginning of our friendship. Sure, I thought he was super cute, and a really nice guy to talk and laugh with, but didn't think more into it than that. I always just thought of him as a cute friend. Fast forward 2 years, he ends up ending his relationship with M, and starts dating my good girlfriend T, who i've known longer than J by about 1 year, and they end up hitting it off and have been together since. I've been really good friends with T, who works with my boyfriend, and i love her to death, she is the sweetest little thing who would do just about anything for a friend in need!

    Recently, around last November, I started hanging out more with J, chilling at his place, learning more about our hobby together, just the two of us while his girlfriend and my boyfriend are at work,I started going over daily just to hang out, play video games, etc., and i've found myself being pulled into an attraction for him that is starting to get me into places in my head that just make me really confused. My physical as well as mental attraction to him seemed to just explode! It may be the way he acts or what he jokes about that has me feeling this way, always saying stuff like "i got a ____ right here hangin for ya" to which i usually jokingly reply "yea? me too, wanna see", to which he usually just laughs off awkwardly. He's all i seem to think and dream about. He seems to consume my mind daily, just the vision of his happy silver smile, his tattooed arms and chest, his laugh and just ARGHHHH ALL OF HIM! I find myself just wanting to be with him all the time, and daydreaming and fantasizing about sexual encounters with him.

    He's made it pretty clear over numerous convos i've had with him that he's straight, and that he really likes boobs and women in general, but I can't help but feel that there is part of him that is curious about it and wonders what it would be like to have a guy pleasure him. I occasionally catch him saying things that might suggest he'd do things with a guy, jokingly, but in serious convos too, and I'm just not sure how to deal with my feelings towards him. When he is with his girlfriend they are both super playful and happy with each other, and i love to see that for the both of them, but some weird unknown part of me wants to share something more with the both of them, something new and something they haven't tried. I'm just not really sure how to go about asking such a question, and a pretty weird and serious question at that. Am i delusional? I guess a part of me just wants to me to be the one to give him the experience of being with a guy sexually, since he never has, but also getting the approval from him and his girlfriend, and having it not affect our friendship. I guess i'm just the kind of person that believes sex between people can be an exteremely moving and raw and really connecting and bonding experience, even if it is just between friends, but i also understand that a lot of people hold it to be more sacred than just something you do with your friends. Sorry, this was a lot to post in my first post, but if you took the time to read it and have some thoughts to offer, please don't hesitate to lend me your advice. Thanks!
     
    #1 chizzels406, Mar 25, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2016
  2. Euler

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 15, 2015
    Messages:
    1,061
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Northern Europe
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    First things first. Welcome to EC!

    Hopefully we are able to provide you with some advice here.

    The situation where you find yourself now is unfortunately not uncommon. It has to do with how human brain works and there is very little you can do about your feelings directly.

    The relevant question you should be asking about yourself is are you happy with your current BF? You said you love him but that's not the same thing as being happy. Does the answer depend on had you met J the horticulturist or not?

    :slight_smile:

    Is it actually just a hobby? I mean you said that you go daily to play video games to his place when your BF is not at work. Don't you have a job? The problem really is that you spend too much time with him. We tend to get attracted to people who we find even remotely interesting IF we spend a lot of time with them.

    This is what we call "wishful thinking" and confirmation bias. I can almost certainly guarantee he is not even curious to try stuff. You have the feeling he is because you wish he was and you look only evidence to confirm your hopes while ignoring anything to the contrary. Nothing you said is evidence for him being even remotely curious.

    In a way yes, you are. It's called crushing. People don't think straight when in love or having a crush although it is very difficult for that person to see.

    One thing that strikes me is that you think if J and his GF would be open for him to experiment with you but you don't consider what YOUR BF would feel about that. Why is it? Do you guys have an open relationship?

    I have a friend who said me once that marriage/partnership is a decision that both parties make. Over the years they both are likely to meet wonderful people who they have a crush on and it's pretty much inevitable. Committed partners ignore these feelings because they understand that those feelings are just passing. They don't equate to love. It all boils down really to the question is your current BF the one you want to share your life with. And that is the question you should be asking even without J.

    Then a few general comments about your situation. I would say that you have a little to gain but a lot to lose. Even in the absolute best case scenario you might get to spend a night with J and realize your sexual fantasy. He is obviously straight so there is no potential for a relationship there. In the worst case you lose J, his GF and your BF once J tells his GF and she tells your BF about how you made a move on him. And perhaps the cruelest part is that you will make your BF extremely sad.

    If you decide that you want to keep your current BF and not to make any moves to J, my practical advice to you is to drop all this fantasy about J. Fantasize how you make a move on him and he rejects you in horror and how that snowballs wrecking all your relationships. Take some distance to J. Don't go to his place daily, get a day job if you don't have one or go to a course or something. It's OK to see him once in a while but nowhere near every day. Then take some time with your BF to do stuff that you both like to do and spend your free time with him.

    I hope this helps.