Conservative Indian Family

Re: Traditional, Conservative, Indian Family

Hey,

I'm just about to go to sleep but I just want to say you are not alone. There are quite a few Indian guys in almost the same position as you are though they live in India. I think you'll get good advice from them.

You are still young and you got time to think what to do with your parents and relatives. Being gay doesn't mean you can't have children. There are ways.

 

Wow, this is rough. You could hide your identity and have the life you wanted, but I don't think it would be that satisfying. I think it would feel empty and that you're missing something. You've already suffered from hearing so much homophobia. Hiding this part of yourself is stressful and could contribute to developing mental illness.

In the end, you might decide not to come out. This isn't a wrong decision. There is no wrong way to go about this.

You might also find a way to incorporate tradition and being gay into your life. Maybe getting married to a man? I hope you find a way to be happy and accepted.

 

This is really hard-
And I sort of understand as well. Luckily, my parents are evolved over time so they now believe I can marry any guy I feel is best, but no girls- which is a problem because I prefer girls strongly.

I'm Indian too, so I understand the whole "being gay is a western concept" and I'm "atheist because I was influenced"

Sorry it's not of any help, but I can relate to your situation...

I mean, there's no true perfect answer to this, sadly. I hope everything works out the best for you <3

 

This. Exactly.

I'm an Indian too. One who lives in India however. But I have the same type of parents. When I was younger I joked with my parents that I would marry a Keralite or Punjabi girl and bring her home and my mom wasn't impressed (We're Telugus) so I know she would prefer I marry a telugu girl.

I tried coming out to my parents years ago and it didn't go well. I'm not trying to scare you or deter you from wanting to come out to your parents, because even with all the similarities, no 2 parents are the same.

The harsh truth is coming out to them will be a problem. My parents thought me thinking I was gay was a phase. Something I learnt from Western Media and the Internet. So they put me in a psychriatic hospital for a while (when I slit my wrists after being in a dark place) and attended months of mom-supervised psychologist sessions. Everyone we convincing me I was "in a phase" and realizing that no one around me would understand (I was 16 at that time) I told everyone I was "cured" and went back into the closet. My Parents stopped asking me if I still had "urges" like "that" years ago and we do live together and somewhat happy. They are still concerned I haven't been a "happy son", but I haven't been entirely happy ever since I was 16 and all that happened.

I would definitely suggest you to wait till you go to college before coming out. Experience everything and then come out to your parents. It still won't be easy, but at least you'll have some proof to yourself and can prepare yourself for the worst.

Trust me, the worst thing I faced after coming out and failing with my parents is that I had to hide all that deep within me for years, since I knew I still had to stay with them for a couple of years. It sucks that your parents are in the US, exposed to the different cultures and stuff and are essentially in a somewhat LGBT-supportive environment and are still against LGBT and other things. I wish I could say things will get better soon, but I know it'll take a long time for common indians like your parents and mine to get their act together.

As for having children and grandchildren, I want to have them too. I still haven't figured out how that will happen, but as the common Indian (And others think too) thinks of giving his/her parents Grandchildren and great-grandchildren to spoil, it is natural. It will be tough, but it isn't impossible. I'd suggest you hang on till you finish high school atleast. We're there for you. Pour your heart out on here and people will listen. Let EC be an anchor for you.

Feel free to post on my Wall anytime. I'm here for you and so is every member on EC.

 

Hey confused10101 don't worry it's going to be alright eventually! Believe in yourself and stay positive! Yes you are going to take longer than your Western counterparts but the day will come when you are going to be able to be you No matter how Orthodox your family is or how hard the struggle is going to be you will reach your destination! Think of it this way. If you remain in the closet and marry a girl to please your family, you are still going to struggle for the rest of your life. Isnt it better to struggle for what you want? Just believe in yourself and move ahead with conviction!
Your parents might hurt you in this journey but do remember it's out of love . As far as the extended family is concerned , they don't matter! If they truly love you they will work out a way to come to terms with your sexuality otherwise they can very well mind their business!. Just be open and communicative after you come out, whenever that's going to be. And it's not a race so you can take your time, you don't have to come out now. Just work on yourself , become stronger mentally and work on educating and making them see the point of the whole lgbt movement and why it's OK and natural to be gay.
It's not easy I know. I have somewhat done it, my friends have done it. So can you!
As for support through this process, you can always turn to EC for any help and the handful of Indians out here. There is this YouTuber called manjinder Singh Sindhu. A gay Punjabi lad living in the UK. His YouTube videos and blog is directed towards gay Indians and South Asians . he is writing this book called Bollywood gay . No it's not about gay men in Bollywood. It's about educating South asian parents and families about lgbt and he addresses the various issues unique to us .
Apart from this you can seek help from Bombay dost , swabhava trust, naaz foundation and so many other Indian organizations . You can use their resources to make your family and parents understand When its closer to home they most likely will understand better
When there is a will, there is a way! So NEVER Loose hope!

 

I'm sorry that you're still dealing with conservative parents. I'm lucky that my parents both grew up in England and hold more liberal opinions. I'm out as trans to them and they're reasonably okay with it but I can guarantee that I'm going to be disowned by my Indian grandparents and extended family because, like yours, they're very traditional. I don't think they've even considered the concept of someone in the family being gay - let alone someone being a transguy who is also into guys.

You need to remember that the most important thing is to be yourself and make sure you're doing what makes you happy. Don't give in to their proposals of an arranged marriage. That practice is outdated and quite frankly, incredibly stupid. My maternal grandparents are in am arranged marriage and pretty much my grandad is passively verbally abusive to my grandma who just takes it. Its not a happy relationship, my mum didn't have a happy childhood. I'm sure that's not what you want for yourself or your future kids.

Gay couples can adopt, you could find a surrogate mother and have the baby be half yours/your partners. There are many options. A kid doesn't have to be biologically yours for you to love it and raise it. You need to try to educate your parents and make them realise that being gay isn't a bad thing. Its 2016 and they're going to have to realise sometime that theyre not back in India... it might take a while but if you keep bringing up positive stories about being gay they might come to realise that it's not harmful. Also if there's someone in the family that you trust to tell, a cousin or uncle etc., then I'd do so. It'd give you some support and you'd feel some stability having them backing you when they do decide to come out. Just give your parents time. It'll take them a while to adjust but I'd hope that eventually they would.

 

Hey there, I'm an Indian too

I have a conservative family too.

I haven't come out to my parents yet. I don't think I'll do that, at least not in the near future. Just as Phoenix77 said, it would be best if you come out to your parents after high school. Also are you out to anyone?

If not, I strongly reccomend coming out to someone who can be trusted, maybe a close friend? That way, you can have a first hand exprerience about the questions you will face.

Also keep posting on EC

Feel free to post on my wall.

 

Hi! ,

I think I'm in the same boat as you: I'm 16, probably gay, and although I come from Sri Lanka, the families there are just as homophobic. I also live in London which is luckily a very LGBT-friendly city.

My parents had lived in Sri Lanka almost all of their lives and hadn't known of a proper gay guy so they say that "homosexuality is because of Western society" and "homosexuality is unnatural" but I think it is mainly due to there socially conservative upbringing, in which homosexuality was a taboo. The extended family is just as bad, if not worse.

Last year, I tried coming out to my parents and although it was a spectacular failure in that they basically rejected what I said and called it a phase (due to the fact that I go to an all-boys school and I "don't know any girls"), they were unusually kind when they said that they would accept me if still like boys once I went to university. I wasn't quite sure what they meant but I think I was adamant enough about being gay, then they would probably accept me. These was the same parents that called homosexuality "unnatural". I suck back into the closet immediately, however, and now they think it was a phase.

The point I am trying to make is that it is very hard to judge what a parent's reactions might be. When it comes to children, parents can be very loving or be completely angry and disgusted so I would wait until you go to university because then you would have some independence from them. Plus if you tell them now and they ignore what you say, I suspect they would be quite awkward when anything LGBT is brought up in conversation.

As for the general homophobic attitudes they have, perhaps try and confront them lightly about it. Don't be to forceful, but just occasionally bring up LGBT topics around them and try to make them understand that it isn't just a Western phenomenon. One thing that worked for me was TV shows and films that had LGBT characters. Once in a while, I would put on something where there is an gay character (e.g. Modern Family or How to Get Away with Murder) and asking them about the character. I think this is a more subtle way of getting your opinion across, rather than bluntly talking about homosexuality and risk them becoming suspicious.

Unfortunately, if you find changing your parents views on homosexuality hard, I think changing the whole extended family and community would be frankly impossible. Some older people such as grandparents and older aunties and uncles could be so entrenched in their homophobia that either they would accept you begrudgingly or completely disown you. There is not much you can do to change them. However, there is a good chance that younger members of your extended family, like cousins, would accept you. Although progress is slow, there has been slow changes to attitudes to homosexuality in India and younger people tend to be more accepting anyway. It's baby steps but there is hope that perhaps there might be some change by the time you are older and ready to come out to your family.

I don't think there is an easy solution to the problem of homophobia but there are many ways to get through it and find happiness (perhaps even with children!), so I hope everything works out well for you whatever the future brings.

 

Hey there

As I'm mathematically nearly twice your age I'll try to write while keeping that in perspective.

First of all it's a good thing that you're in a liberal city like NY - it will be that much easier for you to find resources for help (LGBTQA groups on campus, counselling resources et al.). So you're already way better off than several people who have to struggle through this while being in India where resources are scarce and there's a tremendous stigma attached to homosexuality.

While my background is not like yours I do know a lot of people who would have the similar reactions as your folks were their son to tell them that he is gay. While this obviously can suck in the short-term, it might really help if you don't get disheartened and think about the long-term picture.

The best case scenario would be that your folks accept your sexuality after you're grown up, you find the man of your dreams, and you have your own version of Modern Family as the sun sets over tropical palms in Hawaii. However, there can be worse scenarios possible. My response speaks to those.

You'll soon be going off to college, studying, and then finally getting a job. That will eventually make you financially independent. If you feel that your family may never be able to accept your orientation (given that your folks have already specified their marriage preferences considering you're 15 that might well be a possibility) then this independence might be crucial for you.

If you want to pursue an authentic, real life as a gay man one day then you'll NEED to be able to support yourself (including financially) and have people (friends, colleagues, relatives) who'd support you socially and emotionally. The good news is that you WILL find these people as you go through life It will just take time and patience.

When I was your age I had the exact same vision of having a family one day and being a father (because those are the messages I grew up with and didn't know anyone doing anything different). Today, at the age of 29, I realize that I don't want those things anymore. I realize my personality is not very kid-friendly so I'm probably not going to have kids. Starting and maintaining a relationship is a lot more work than movies and sitcoms have you believe and I need to balance a hundred other aspects of my life. So I'd probably suggest that you don't worry about having the future you envision now. Dreams change, goals change. You'll cross that bridge when it's time.

The hardest thing, as you identify yourself, is the prospect of walking away from the two people whom you love so much :-/ There's no easy answer - if they love you and can overcome their current beliefs one day then you may always have them in your life (remember that they, too, can change as time goes by and they see that you can be gay and yet be perfectly happy and successful).

For now, look for school-level support where you study, read and contribute on EC as you can often get really excellent advice here, focus on getting to a good college (I apologize for sounding so grandfatherly) in a different city maybe so that you feel free-er, and take things one day at a time

Love and best wishes,
C

 

This might be a lot to read.

If you are feeling suicidal, please do not commit suicide. If you ever think about suicide, please call the Trevor Project, National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, and Your Voice Your Life. These hotlines will most likely help you with the problems your dealing with.

I am really understanding your experience. Trust me, I know what your going through. I can relate to a lot of things that you put in this post. I feel like you made the words come out my mouth. I may not be Indian, but I can really understand you. I'm black. I live in Maryland. I live in the U.S. I live in a tolerant state.

I am questioning my sexual orientation. I have felt attracted to males and females. It is possible that I'm bisexual. I am still in the closet. I am 19. I go to a community college.

It really sucks, doesn't it? Having to hide who you are and then dealing with that stress? There are so many things that I want to say to you to help you.

I would advise you to take it one day at a time. That's the only thing you can do. You may have to accept your parent's attitudes toward sexuality and LGBT culture. You stated that you lived in Long Island, NY, which is a very gay/LGBT friendly area. That could be of some benefit. I would like to eventually come out to my parent (not in any rush) but I really don't know how they would take it (probably really badly). I lie in Maryland, which is a tolerant state (being redundant).

I still live with my parents. I am still financially dependent on them. My parents are not homophobic, but they would probably be disappointed if they found out that I was questioning my sexual orientation.

"I once casually brought up gay marriage to my mother and she said that it wasn't natural and that her biggest fear is that "this country" will make one of her children gay."

That must hurt to hear her say that. One time, my father told me, "I hope you don't come out as gay (not sure if that's exactly what he said)". My father is not homophobic, but still has a problem with his kids being anything other than straight. My older sister is a lesbian, btw.

"I recently told my parents that I was atheist and that didn't really turn out well. My mother basically said that she made a mistake coming to the United States and that if we were in India, I would be better..."

That doesn't feel comforting at all. My parents are religious to a certain extent. My mother is strong in her faith, but she isn't insanely religious. My father is religious, but believes that religion is man-made (I would expand on this in another post?). My parents aren't extremely religious, but they still try to have a close relationship with God. I still identify as Catholic, but I sin a lot.

"....what about all of my relatives that live in India, they probably have never even heard the word "gay.""

I have some other family members, such as cousin, aunts, uncles, etc. who would look down on me too, if they found out about my possible sexuality, or sexual orientation.

"Personally I am a traditional person, I want to get married one day, I want children, I want grandchildren, and I'm afraid. Afraid that, now that I have realized I am gay, I won't be able to have the future that I always wanted and that I'll lose the two most important people in my life and not just my parents but also my entire family."

I know how you feel. I still am considering the possibility of having a family one day. I still want to continue the family line. But I'm still not sure about it. I think I could be bisexual so that may interfere with the future that i dream of having. I consider myself to be liberal, in terms of political beliefs.

Hopefully, things get better for you.

Just realize that it gets better.

Always remember this: IT GETS BETTER.

If I could, I would become friends with you in so I can help you with the problems your dealing with in regards to your sexuality.