1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Housemate came out to me as bisexual

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by mlansing, Mar 27, 2016.

  1. mlansing

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2014
    Messages:
    467
    Likes Received:
    131
    Gender:
    Male
    Sorry, bit of a long one....

    I'm a graduate student and I live in a shared house with three other students like me. One of my housemates is this guy who is one of my best friends. He originally moved into my house because he was dating a girl in the house, but she broke up with him and moved away. Before she moved away, though, she and I started dating after he had moved into the house. Because I'm gay the relationship obviously fell apart, but I had lost my virginity to her, and he was heartbroken to have to witness us being together in the same house (he told her before she moved out that she was the love of his life).

    While I was dating the girl she had revealed to me that her ex was interested in guys and girls. After she moved out I gradually began to accept my sexuality, and once she was out of the picture he and I started to become good friends. I made a semi pass at him at one point but he was not receptive. Months later he was one of the first people I came out to and he was very supportive, although a bit stand-offish at first. I later heard him in a conversation tell someone that he was straight so I figured that must have been the reason he wasn't receptive to my semi pass at him and I moved on. Meanwhile our friendship continued to grow.

    Just last night, though, he opened up to me about the fact that he is indeed bisexual, and has been sleeping with guys and girls. I asked him if he ever fell in love with a guy and he said not really, which makes me think he's hetero-romantic. Although I'm completely accepting of him being bisexual, I've been bothered by this news and I'm not completely sure why. I think honestly I may feel a little jealous of these other guys he's sleeping with, and I may have deeper feelings for him than I thought I did.

    If you had asked me if I liked him as more than a friend a week ago I would have said not at all, he's like a brother to me. I still feel that way, but I'm also feeling a bit confused and rejected. Why would he not be receptive to me making a pass at him if he's bisexual? Also, we spend so much time together and share so many aspects of our lives with each other that I've often felt like he's my pseudo-boyfriend, which makes the revelation that he is bisexual that much more hard to take. A similar thing happened with a past housemate of mine whom I was deeply in love with, and he later confessed he was in love with me too, but he was in a relationship with a girl and didn't end up breaking up with.

    I almost feel like this is just my lot in life to have pseudo-boyfriends....always close to a real relationship but not quite there. I don't have any visions of us being together, but I still feel slightly passed over and rejected by him in this situation. Not sure what kind of advice I'm looking for exactly, but if you've read this far I appreciate it (*hug*)

    ---------- Post added 27th Mar 2016 at 08:51 PM ----------

    Also, to clarify one sentence, my past housemate who said he was in love with me was in a relationship with a girl but he didn't end up breaking up with *her*
     
  2. killswitch0029

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 17, 2015
    Messages:
    1,084
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    New England
    From my perspective it makes sense that you would feel rejected considering the circumstances you discussed. Have you tried talking to him about it and addressing these feelings. It sounds like some closure about this whole situation might be helpful.
     
  3. mlansing

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2014
    Messages:
    467
    Likes Received:
    131
    Gender:
    Male
    I'm not sure I want to talk about it with him because I don't want to add that extra dimension of romantic interest to the friendship, which I value more than anything romantic with him. I appreciate the feedback, though.
     
  4. Euler

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 15, 2015
    Messages:
    1,061
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Northern Europe
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I'm sure you understand that there are many potential reasons why this guy didn't respond to your initial attempt. It might be that he wasn't ready at the time, he does not like mixing friendship and his sex life or that he simply doesn't find you sexually attractive both reasons are perfectly valid.

    I understand it might feel bad to realize that you were rejected. There a two possible reasons why you feel uncomfortable now. The first is that people often start wanting things once they realize they can't have them. For example, I never wanted to be a pilot but once I heard that I could never become one (unless they relax the non-allergy criterion) I felt bad and somehow started to wanting to become a pilot.

    The second reason is that you might indeed have deeper feelings for this guy. However, you should not take it personally and instead try to see it from a different perspective. Do you like every guy you meet even if they are handsome (or non-ugly)? I don't think so then why should this guy be? Think, would you be comfortable being friends with your ex? More often than not getting romantically or sexually involved with a friend getting back to being friends just as before is not possible. I lost a friend because we messed around. (OK, granted he lied to me about not having a BF/GF and I ended up in a very awkward position when I visited him and his BF showed up.) Do you think you would be comfortable if he just wanted to have sex with you and was not interested anything more? What then when he stops wanting to have sex with you perhaps because he has a new GF?

    PS: I hope you didn't tell anything important to this friend's ex-GF. She seems like a person who just can't keep her mouth fucking shut.
     
  5. WallWeed

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 17, 2012
    Messages:
    129
    Likes Received:
    0
    Well, there seem to be a number of clear possibilities for him to decline you... For one, after such a rough breakup and experience of dating someone he priorly lived with, he could very well be avoiding getting into a relationship with someone whom he lives with again all together (which, honestly, would be very wise on his part).

    Another angle, is that if you both are as good of friends as you say, your relationship means far too much to him to risk on less-than-serious fooling around, especially if he is indeed hetero-romantic and only interested in dudes as an "in the moment fling".

    Lastly (and I'm guilty of this too), don't forget that just because someone is within a viable orientation and is socially compatible with you, does NOT mean that they are necessarily physically attracted to you. It's such a huge thing in the straight community ("ohhh, I'd ask them out, but does he/she think I'm attractive?" blah-ze-blah), but when you're LGBT, your mindset tends to obsess over the first hurdle of whether or not someone is physically capable of being attracted to your gender, forgetting that it doesn't necessarily mean that they are attracted to everyone of that/those gender/s.
     
    #5 WallWeed, Mar 28, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 28, 2016
  6. mlansing

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2014
    Messages:
    467
    Likes Received:
    131
    Gender:
    Male
    Thanks you guys. I realize that it sounds a little conceited for me to be like "how could he not find me attractive?" To be honest I don't really know what his reasons were for not wanting to get physical with me when I made that pass at him. It's just hard dealing with the feeling of rejection, even if you don't really want the person that badly at the end of the day. There are lots of other feelings tied up into it too that I'm trying to parse through as well. A part of me is annoyed that he's having all of this sex and I'm not, and since he's hetero-romantic a part of me feels that he's just using guys for sex. I'm trying not to be judgmental but it's hard and my feeling about it is totally irrational. I'm sure I could be having tons of sex if I wanted to but I don't because I want to find a meaningful relationship, but at the same time I'm tired of waiting and annoyed that he's getting action and doesn't seem to care about these people all that much.

    Sorry, at this point it just feels like I'm just rambling. It's hard to figure out exactly how I feel because there are conflicting emotions that I'm experiencing. I do agree that getting physical could potentially damage the friendship, which is a good reason not to try to initiate it again. On the other hand I sometimes get really horny and think gee he's right in the same house as I am. I can't imagine that he would turn down a blowjob, unless if he really is that noble and doesn't want to spoil the friendship. Too many things to process! I just feel frustrated and annoyed and angry and horny all at the same. Thanks for listening.

    ---------- Post added 28th Mar 2016 at 05:09 PM ----------

    And he has talked about other guys that he sees himself potentially falling in love with, and I'm just thinking, what about me??? We share so much of our lives together, and we often act like a couple anyways so I'm just like what the hell are you thinking? Ugh!

    ---------- Post added 28th Mar 2016 at 05:13 PM ----------

    And the conceited part of me may be coming through here but the thing is most people wouldn't look at the two of us and say he's the more attractive one just based on most societal standards of looks. Then again as you all pointed out that still doesn't mean he would necessarily be attracted to me. At any rate, I'm sure I'll get over this with time I guess. I almost wish he never told me he was bisexual.
     
  7. mlansing

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2014
    Messages:
    467
    Likes Received:
    131
    Gender:
    Male
    Anyways guys I'm reading over my old comments and I'm realizing how much I sound like a bratty child throwing a tantrum. Then again, it's better I do that here then to anyone in person. I feel like I'll be happy just being his friend, although it feels awkward when we make sexual jokes with each other considering that we both now know that we both are into guys.

    I think in general I'm just frustrated with not wanting to be promiscuous but then at the same time not getting any while I wait for the "one" or "prince charming" or whatever the hell else I seem to be waiting for. I don't want to lose my sense of self just because I'm now accepting my homosexuality.
     
  8. Euler

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 15, 2015
    Messages:
    1,061
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Northern Europe
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Well, the awkwardness seems to be only in your head if he keeps still making such jokes. That's maybe a good time to stop and think why it makes you awkward.
     
  9. mlansing

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2014
    Messages:
    467
    Likes Received:
    131
    Gender:
    Male
    I think I feel awkward because it turns me on a little when he makes those jokes and now that I know he likes guys too I'm not exactly sure what he's thinking when he does it. Oh well..

    ---------- Post added 29th Mar 2016 at 12:23 PM ----------

    Like I said I'm happy to be his friend and leave it at that. Just got to get out there and keep dating other people.