Hello everyone There is that situation where I am not entirely sure what happened and why and I need some advice from you my fellas. So here is the story. I meet with this guy back when I was 15 (now I'm in my mid 20s and so is he). Since the day one we became friends and were very much inseparable. Until recently I was in a closet and nobody knew my true "rainbow nature", not even him. I came out to him about 2 years ago and since then many things have changed in our relationship. To make the long story short, at one point, I came out to the person he did not want me to come out to (he said you better not to coz she cannot keep her mouth shut). I appreciated the advice he gave me but decided not to follow it since you all know how horrible it is to "act straight" all the fucking time and build lies on other lies that is built on some more lies etc etc. We ended up having a huge fight. In fact, it was the biggest fight we have ever had. He said that this person (his family's barber lady) may spread the rumors about him being gay like myself and his father would not want to hear that. On the other hand, he told his parents about me being gay which they were completely O.K with. We stopped talking to each other for like 3 months or so since he completely dissapiraed from my life. On his birthday though, I wrote him a long latter saying how much I miss him and how horrible I feel without him. He meet me in a local cafe and said that all I wrote was bullshit and I should have explained myself better right after we had this fight. He said that I ruined a 10 years old friendship by doing what I did. After that he dissapeared for another 4-5 months and we saw one another a few times here and there (we are in the same "community" of friends sort of). He decided to break up with me and now he is back in my life as nothing happened. I do appreciate him being back since this person means so much for me. But on the other hand, I am not entirely sure whether I can trust him (b/c I rly want to) or not when it comes to the whole gay issue thing. We sort of reunited like 2-3 months ago and since then it looks likes it goes pretty well but now I do have some trust issues with him that I did not have before. My question is for you guys is whether or not we should "officially" become friends again by hugging one another or things like that? B/c I honestly do not understand when and where I made a mistake (other that not following his request about not to come out to this person) and therefor for what exactly do I have to apologize for. Also, my other question is whether or not its just a "gay by association problem"? I rly think that it honestly is at least up to a certain degree. Ask any question you guys think are relevant to the whole issue. Thanks for your time all the responses I get
I don't know if you made a mistake by coming out to the person he told you not to come out to. Sure, you did what he told you not to do, but you had a good reason (your comfort). It was either you continue to pretend uncomfortably to be straight, or he risks becoming known to be good friends with a gay man. I think your comfort was more important, because you personally deal with homophobia from people. It builds up to something much worse than he would deal with by having people possibly question his sexual orientation. If you want to be friends with him, then it sounds like a good idea. Well, people are unpredictable and anything could happen, but if you like being around him, that bodes well. I don't think you need to apologize for anything. Your reason for doing what he told you not to do seems pretty clear and hard to hold against you. You could apologize for not explaining things better, but didn't you explain things to him during the fight? The "gay by association" thing sounds like a problem for him, but the amount of discrimination you could face for being mistaken for gay is nowhere near the amount you face for actually being gay. If he's that afraid of being mistaken for gay, I think he should consider why that is. It's probably just that he has a knee-jerk homophobic reaction to the thought of gayness. For that I would prescribe celebration of gayness, and learning about the struggles of gay people. Plus the rest of the queer community, and the trans community while he's at it. Because we're great, and being mistaken for one of us should be a non-issue.
If he thinks that the two of you cannot be friends if you want to be completely out, then that is his decision not yours. He ditched you because you wanted to be yourself and if he is scared of what other people might think, then that's very sad, but still his problem not yours.
I agree. I would have trust issues with this person too but something does not really ad up in here. I can't pinpoint it but something just doesn't sound right. What was the fight about exactly? Did he ever explain why he was upset to come out to this gossip girl? Do you actually know this person's personal history? Does he seem in anyway troubled? Normal people don't just walk out of each others lives without proper reason and then just come back like nothing ever happened. I have a friend who has severed relations to a friend of mine and his two brothers. I don't know the details but I understood that one of the brothers had somehow offended him and he totally and without warning severed ties to all of them. He has deep running emotional issues which explains it. Could this guy have something similar?
You're right to not put so much trust in this guy. I don't think you two should hold any grudges against each other for past conflicts, but do keep an eye on where things are going. If he starts holding things against you, don't associate yourself with him anymore. You weren't wrong, it was your decision to make to come out to that person, not his. Still, if he doesn't bring up the split between you guys anymore in a negative way then I think you should continue to be friends. Just don't mention the fighting and I'm sure everything can go back to normal eventually. If he starts acting shady and starts bringing up negative things about your past conflict, I would drop him.
