My girlfriend is depressed and I don't know what to do

Hey everyone.
I haven’t been around for awhile, but I knew when I needed you all that you’d be here
I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for almost 17 months and we’ve lived together for a year.
She’s severely depressed. She hates herself. Calls herself “worthless” and “a stupid idiot” and says things like “I wish I could just die. I couldn’t even kill myself right.”

I thought that once we moved out of our hometown and she could stand on her own feet and had some support and a loving home that she would at least start to see that life doesn’t suck as much as she thinks. I was wrong. I was very wrong. Things have gotten so much worse and I don’t know what to do. She hates her job. While she’s been looking for another one, she isn’t having any luck. She applied at a pizza place and they didn’t call her so she says “I can’t even get a job at a pizza place. I’m so worthless.” We live in a small city and I’m sure there were 100 applicants for the job she applied to but she doesn’t see it that way. She’s planning on taking a class over the summer but she constantly says she’s going to fail or “f*ck it up.” She hates herself. When she does something tiny like drop something on the floor or spill a glass of water she punches herself as hard as she can in the leg multiple times and calls herself a “stupid f*ck up.” She got called to take a test for a company and she did well enough to be called in for a physical test but she doesn’t see the success all she sees is that she’ll “f*ck up the next round.”

I’m 11 years older than she is. I have many years of education under my belt and over 10 years with my company and she always thinks that she doesn’t deserve me and is honestly afraid to let me out of her sight because she thinks I’m not going to come back because I “deserve better.” I try as hard as I can to tell her that I want to be with her and that I love her and I try to reassure her but she doesn’t hear it. I tell her positive things about herself (all of which are true) but it doesn’t seem to make a difference. She believes the lies in her head.

She knows that this is affecting our relationship. We don’t have sex anymore. Not that we had it very often to begin with, but it’s dwindled even more. She says she’s stressed. That may be part of it but I mostly think that the depression is just taking up every aspect of her life. She refuses to go on medication. It’s her body and I’m trying to respect that but she is also refusing to go to therapy because “she’s not telling her problems to some stranger that is just going to judge her and it’s not going to help.” She also doesn’t want to spend the money. Her mother made her go to therapy when she was younger and it was not a good experience.

I know that depression isn’t something that you can just snap out of. I know that sometimes no matter how hard you try, the voices in your head telling you how worthless you are just won’t go away. I know that. I just don’t know how to help her. I’ve been trying so hard and I feel like I’m not helping. I’m so unhappy and I don’t know what to do. I miss her so much and we live together. I want to be with her but I’m not sure how much more I can take. I’m trying to hang in there. I try to keep her calm. Do things for her so she doesn’t have to because if she messes it up she’ll just yell at herself. But I feel like I’m more of her therapist than her girlfriend. I swear I’m not a bad person. I really do want to be with her. But I’m not sure how many more times I can cry myself to sleep before I have to worry about my own mental health.

Can anyone help me?

 

Thanks for the support and advice everyone. We talked last night. Okay it was mostly me talking and her shrugging. I brought up therapy again and she was very much against it. I bring it up every few weeks but she is very much against going. She won't even consider it.
Jem, I couldn't find the app that you mentioned (I have an android) but I did find a few that seemed similar to what you were talking about. I did bring it up to her. At first she said no. I asked her why and she said because she didn't want to look stupid. I told her no one would know. Who in the world could she look stupid to? And she said...you. Meaning me. I told her I would never think she is stupid and that I just needed her to try. Something. ANYTHING. She said what if it doesn't work? And I told her that we'd try something else if it didn't help. As long as she was willing to put in the effort I would help her locate anything she was willing to try. So she agreed to try it if I would do it with her. I obviously can't do the emotional log thing for her, but I told her I would listen to the audio files with her and help her do the guided meditations. So it's a start. Thank you for the suggestion.

Elli, I have been very...with holding...of my feelings toward this with her. I don't want to put the additional stress on her. But maybe you are right. So I was very clear last night as to my feelings and just how much this is affecting me. I'm not sure if it was the right thing, but I basically every other sentence told her that I wanted to be with her or that I love her and tried to make sure that she knew that even though I'm feeling this way it doesn't mean I'm ready to bolt, but just that we needed to try something to try to improve her mental health. I really can't be sure if she took it the way I meant it.

MS001, I have considered going to therapy. I don't think I'm quite at that point yet. My major problem is that I don't have a lot of friends and I have even fewer friends that know I'm gay so I don't really have anyone to vent to or to get advice from. The people that do know I'm gay aren't really people that I want to know I'm having relationship problems (My mom, niece, and brother). I really just need a friend to talk to at this point so that's where you all come in I know myself pretty well and I have been depressed before so I promise you I will do everything I can to keep my head above water if the time comes.

I know there are a lot of people on here that deal with depression that stems from various reasons and I really don't want out of my relationship. I love my girlfriend very much. I want a long future with her. We've discussed getting married and buying a house and having or adopting a kid. It kills me to see her like this. It breaks my heart that she never smiles and that the only time I can get her to laugh is to tickle her (which she absolutely hates btw). She has been depressed for years. Longer than I've known her. She's never really had someone to give her the kind of support that I'm willing to. It just seems like she doesn't want it. When I ask her what's wrong, she says she doesn't know. When I ask what I can do to help, she says she doesn't know. When I ask her how she's feeling, she says her feelings don't matter and that she deserves all the bad things that happen to her. Every time she says something like that I of course tell her that opposite...that she's amazing and funny and hardworking and beautiful that she deserves good things and a big house and a big yard and a job that makes her happy and that I love her but her response every time...No I'm not. No I don't. But I keep trying. I just hope it's enough.

Thank you for your support and advice. Please continue adding if you have other suggestions. I'm all ears...or eyes in this case