I'm not even sure where to start. I'm bi. I've known this about myself for many years. I've always had a pretty high sex drive. I've been with women, men, threesomes.. I've been pretty open to most expierences. My husband has the same sex drive and is also pretty open when it comes to our sex life. We started swinging about a year ago. Its been a lot of fun but we've put it on hold because I'm pregnant. A few months ago I caught my husband looking at craigslist personal adds for single gay men. After arguing about it he admitted to me (and to himself for the first time) that he was bi. He had desires to be with other men but he suppressed his feelings for a very long time. I've tried to be supportive ever since.. We've brought some new toys into the bedroom.. And we started looking for single bi men to have threesomes with. Unfortunately This pregnancy has been really rough on me, my sex drive hasn't been the same, and honestly I'm not really fond of the idea of being intimate with another man (or woman) while I'm pregnant so I decided I don't want to jump back into the lifestyle until after the baby is born. I told my husband if he doesn't want to wait I'm ok with him hooking up with another man on his own. However he insists that's he wants me to be a part of it so he's waiting. I know thus far it sounds like we have everything worked out but it hasn't been easy. I've been battling depression, and this pregnancy has made it even more intense so I have a lot on my own plate I'm trying to sort through. When my husband first came out to me I was terrified of losing him. It still crosses my mind. What if after his first expierences he realizes he isn't bi.. That he is in fact gay? Of course he says that isn't that case.. He loves me and our life and swears he will never leave me. But He is still struggling with all of it, so I'm not sure he even knows how he truly feels yet. I'm also having a hard time with him wanting to "come out" to people. I don't think it needs to be everyone's business who he is sleeping with. We don't go out of our way to tell people we swing.. I know it's not the same thing.. And having a support system is good for him but it feels like he's just letting everyone into OUR personal life. I'm worried that his need for all this acceptance is just another step towards him coming out as gay. He wants to tell his parents.. He feels like they deserve to know who their son really is... But being bi doesn't make him a different person. I just can't relate. I never had a "coming out". There are people in my life who know I'm bi and there are people who don't. I'm not ashamed of it, I just never felt my sex life or sexual preference was everyone else's business. As supportive as I've tried to be.. I'm still struggling with this.. And with my own depression. I feel like a hypocrit for having a hard time because he's never struggled with the fact that I'm bi. I'm just not in the best place right now to be processing all of this. I'm just hoping to connect with other people out there that have been through this. I know every situation is unique to each person but it would be nice to have someone to talk to who can relate.
Well I can't relate, and I think you're an amazing person, but for your situation I don't feel as if there is a right or wrong answer. I can only ask questions that you will need to consider. How much do you love your husband? Can you imagine life without him? Are you truly comfortable allowing him to explore his sexuality? Would it be selfish to not let him explore it? Could you live with yourself if you let him supress part of himself? Would it be best if you both didn't see anybody at all and carried on as you are? How would you react if he suddenly turned around and said "I'm gay"? Would you still love him? What if he says he wants to be with you despite being gay? Could you live a happy life together knowing he was only interested in men? Would it be best to let him go and express his true self? Would you be comfortable with seeing him date other men? Would you need a divorce? Would you still want him in your life at all? How would this affect you? Do you have a lot of family support? What would you want for yourself and for him? But most importantly: What's best for the baby? I'm sure there are more similar questions but only you can answer them. There's always the strong possibility that he says "I'm bi, I've had my fun now, and I just want you." Which of course would be ideal but you kind of need to prepare for all outcomes if you start letting him explore sexuality. It's completely up to you. Good luck.
In terms of letting him tell other people about his sexual orientation, telling people he's bisexual is entirely up to him. He owns his orientation. From my own experience, coming out to my parents, family and friends wasn't about validating my identity, but moreso about revealing a part of myself that I felt like I was hiding. That made me feel dishonest around them for not telling them. In reality, if his sexuality doesn't make him a different person, it shouldn't really matter whether he tells people or not. However I do understand your fear, especially due to the manner of his coming to you. You're dealing with a previously unknown aspect of what makes up your husband, at a time where you are aware that your sex drive is lower than usual, you're dealing with the stresses of pregnancy and coping with depression on top of all that. What you're feeling is completely natural and you are being very supportive of him. Have you thought about talking to an LGBT counsellor or therapist with whom you and your husband could discuss what each of your both going through?
The pregnancy may just be affecting your hormones and judgement as well, but I understand your fears. As for him being gay, it can go either way. Some gay guys do use bisexuality as a cover, but others truly are that way. Think about it, you're also bisexual, so isn't there a high chance that you could be a lesbian and leave him for a woman in his eyes? This is the same thing. The reason why he's struggling is that same sex attraction is hard for men, and unfortunately we live in a sexist society where bi people (of either gender) are viewed as attracted to men only, but this isn't true. The coming out process may just have to do with him wanting to feel accepted, it doesn't really mean anything about sex. People still come out as gay/bi even when they stay single and celibate forever. It's just something that has importance to some people.
Thanks for the responses! I know there are a lot of questions I need to answer myself. It took me a long time to even admit I'm depressed and even more time to seek help because of it. Seeing a LGBT therapist together is a good idea for both of us. I have thought about the shoe being on the other foot.. But our circumstances are so different. It's a whole new world for him.. Thats what scares me. He is just now trying to sort out all of his feelings and that's something I did long ago. I've had my expierences but chose to be with a man... I chose him. I can only hope that after all this he still chooses me. I know he feels like he is being dishonest with people in his life by not telling them.. I guess looking at it that way makes it easier for me to understand his need to come out. I feel terrible because I know a big part of him feels alone in all of this. He is dying to connect with someone he can relate to. He found a site with a forum for bisexual men but hasn't really got the responses he was hoping for (only one person replied to his post) if anyone knows of any other sites or people he could reach out to I'd love to pass the info on to him.
