Ive been meaning to write this on here for a while. I find that the people on here are much more understanding and open than some of my close minded friends so I would appreciate any input and advice. So it was only within the past year that I came to the conclusion that I have some degree of same sex attraction. It wasn't easy to identify because I never had a crush on another guy or really viewed guys as attractive. I have an extremely close group of very athletic, genuinely good looking friends whom I never ever thought of anything but friends. It was mainly a purely sexual attraction, I found gay porn to be much more intense and taboo than straight porn. Although I still enjoyed straight porn and transgender porn (my favorite). I had my first sexual encounter with a girl when I was in 7th grade and a honestly thoroughly enjoyed it. Since then I've had many sexual encounters with females and have always gotten aroused and never had to imagine being with a guy to orgasm or just enjoy myself. I had an extreme fetish for mature women for a while and still do and actually slept with a woman who was 20 years older than me which was absolutely amazing. So that's where my sexuality is at currently, confusing. Last year I met this girl I graduated high school with. I always thought she honestly the most attractive girl I've ever seen. Naturally tan, purple hair, full sleeve tattoo, very nonconformist which I find very attractive. We started to date and everything was cool for several months. The sex was GREAT. Not to get to into detail but I could go down on her for an hour and get off just on that. September rolls around and I start feeling very strange. I start getting paranoid delusions, I become hyper sexual, didn't sleep for 5 days, told my friends I was Jesus and that I was an enlightened being. I even started to believe I was transgender and dressed in women's clothing. When I told her this she confessed that she has felt the same way previously. One of my big delusions was to tell everyone all my secrets (one being that I wasn't 100% straight). i eventually became hospitalized and was diagnosed bipolar. She visited me twice a day everyday with my parents. My parents even told her that they wouldn't think anything less of her if she left me, she said she didn't plan on it. I get out of the hospital and I tell her that everything I said was just because I lost my mind (a lie). 2 weeks later a similar episode happens to her and she became hospitalized. This was purely coincidental I might add. We never faught or anything like that we just both discovered we had mental illnesses at the same time. After she gets out we both agreed that we should take a break from dating till we both become healthy. A couple months later we reconect. I have a TERRIBLE guilty conscious, so I told her that I really wasn't 100% heterosexual, that I watch gay porn etc. She got really upset and angry and she left for good, the last thing she told me was to not contact her. For three months I was like okay, I'm going to really give this other side of my sexuality an honest try. I used gay dating apps to try to meet someone but the whole time I was doing it I was just like ehhh. I couldn't stop thinking about her. Whenever I would start talking to a guy I would lose interest really quick. The closest I got to meeting a guy was someone I met online who seemed pretty normal. It was like 1230 Am and I was pretty drunk, I was going to meet him at his place but my sisters car was blocking mine in the driveway and I didn't go (thank god because I was pretty intoxicated). It honestly just didn't feel natural at all to me. I know that it probably takes time but I just I stopped looking to meet guys after a couple months and was just like fuck it, if it happens someday it happens. Then on the day before my birthday she texts me apologizing, saying how she wishes we could give it another try. I asked her why, after all the stuff I told her that she would want to be with me. I literally told her she "could do much better". She said she loved that I was nothing but honest with her about it all and that I could have lied about it for ever. She told me that she exclusively watches lesbian porn, which was surprising but not very shocking. She is not very feminine at all, very masculine (deeper voice than most girls I've met), and so down to earth like one of the guys. We talked for a while and she told me that she's comforatable with who I am, that she would be very open to having another guy or girl join us in bed on occasion. We've started talking again and hanging out. I honestly get aroused just sitting next to her. Which is so god damn confusing, even though I get off on gay porn, it makes no sense to me. I have no problem accepting that I'm (or were) bisexual. But from the limited research I've done it seams like the gay community shits on bisexuality. I literally tried to look at guys like I would look at girls but it's just not the same, it's hard to explain. Like I said before I very much enjoyed sleeping with girls throughout my life. My psychologist explains to me that I'm just a highly sexual person and that I can enjoy sex with anyone. I love this girl with all my heart, but I don't want to hurt her if I'm truly more homosexual than heterosexual. I would literally stay with her if she was actually a man. I really wanna give this another chance after all that's happened. We were in eachothers lives at our lowest points, I would do anything to be with her. Has anyone been in a mixed orientation relationship? How has that worked?
