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How can i keep my boyfriend after indiscretion?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by pwash, Apr 3, 2016.

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  1. pwash

    pwash
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    Hi Everyone,

    I am new here and i needs some advice, i have no one to talk to right now and I'm a mess.

    I have a boyfriend of two years who i love and live with.

    Today he accessed my Facebook and saw sexual messages i had been exchanging with a guy. what makes this worse is that this is not the first time - this has happened 3 times before. Each time we managed to smooth it out and get past it but clearly he hasn't been trusting of me as he has been accusing my messages.

    Now he says that he doesn't trust me anymore and that its over.

    I'm devastated because i love him and want to be with him, but i don't know why i keep doing this! i never physically do anything with these guys, i just enjoy the flirting and the x rated talk. I would hate it if he did it, so i know I'm a total hypocrite. I don't know if i should get help for this, if i keep doing it over and over?

    Now he says its over. I feel sick at the thought of him leaving and i would do anything to keep him but i don't know what i can say to him, i know he will say he has heard it all before - and he's right.

    Whats wrong with me?

    Has anyone been in a similar situation?

    Thank you for any advice.
     
    #1 pwash, Apr 3, 2016
  2. Chip

    Chip
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    Hi and welcome.

    This is a tough spot to be in for both of you. To be honest, I don't blame your boyfriend, and I think most emotionally healthy people would not have given you three chances. So, to be honest, you've probably used up the goodwill he had for the situation, and you may simply need to prepare yourself to let it go.

    That said, you definitely need to get some help, or the pattern will keep repeating itself with your next boyfriend. Where it's coming from is most likely a deep-seated and perhaps unconscious insecurity... A belief that you aren't good enough or don't deserve to have a healthy relationship, so you intentionally sabotage. This can also come from a place of not believing in your own eerily worth so it manifests as a constant need to prove you are worthy by getting other peple to show their attraction to you.

    In any case, it doesn't work, and until it's addressed, you aren't going to be able to hold onto anyone who is emotionally healthy.

    I have a couple of suggestions. First, take an hour and watch Brenè Brown's three TED talks (about 20 mins each). They are called 'The Power of Vulnerability', 'The Price of Invulnerability', and 'Listning to Shame'. You can find them on YouTube . Dr. Brown's work is really transformational for most people in helping them gain a better understanding of the impact our self-worth has on how we relate to others.

    Second, I'd suggest you do get into therapy. The issue is a pretty deep seated one that is going to take some time to unpack, so finding a really good therapist who will "go there" with you and help you work through the shame issues that are interfering with your relationships will be important.

    And finally, talking about what's going on with you here at EC can be really helpful.
     
    #2 Chip, Apr 3, 2016
  3. VampireGrin

    VampireGrin
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    I'm sorry to hear about the situation you're in. Your boyfriend has every right to not trust you and you have to respect that and him. If flirting and talking dirty with other men is something he is not ok with, you should not be doing it period. Unfortunately this happens in a lot of relationships. I have friends in long term relationships who admit to using hook up apps. Not to actually hook up but to get validation or just out of boredom. I'm guilty myself. My boyfriend caught me. It felt awful. I never did it again. Risking his trust and the guilty dirty feeling of it all was not worth it. I caught him still talking to his ex regularly. He knew I was not comfortable with it and thankfully cut off ties with him (he had no reason to talk with him, their relationship was terrible from what he told me). Everyone makes mistakes. Boundaries need to be set based on what both partners agree on. Sounds like it is going to be hard to regain your boyfriend's trust and make things right. You have to prove to him that you will change. And more importantly, you have to want to change. Best of luck to you. I hope you two can work things out.
     
    #3 VampireGrin, Apr 3, 2016
  4. Sek

    Sek
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    Just want to add something to what Chip said -

    Has this happened before? It could be that this specific relationship was not as fulfilling as you needed it to be and this manifested itself in you going behind your partner's back. You are the best judge of that, so give some thought to whether the relationship was everything you needed it to be.

    Also consider whether you have unhealthy ideas about relationships, look to the relationships you've seen as you've grown up and think about whether they could have given you unhealthy ideas, e.g. seeing parents cheat or being in bad past relationships.

    That being said, it is never a bad idea to speak to a therapist and share what you think/feel. A professional can help guide you through your thoughts to its root so you can understand why you do what you do and how you can move forward.

    All the best.
    SEK :thumbsup:
     
    #4 Sek, Apr 3, 2016
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