I haven't posted here in a while, and am mostly posting because I feel I need to say what I'm feeling somewhere, and hopefully can hear from people who understand, relate, and maybe offer some advice in dealing with things. This will likely be a bit of a novel, but I'd deeply appreciate you read it all and reply. I'm 21, female, and was in a relationship with a man for 4 years. I had only dated men previously as well, though there were very obvious signs I was attracted to women that I was in denial about. I eventually accepted I may be bisexual, but as my 4 year relationship went on and I became more aware of my sexual desires and what did and didn't turn me on (I was always a bit of a late bloomer) I realized I wasn't sexually attracted to men, but I very much was to women. I couldn't manage to feel any interest sexually in any man I met, saw in movies or magazines or anything, but I felt it for women regularly. So, I ended my relationship (after fully coming to terms with it and debating it for about a year- it was a very difficult decision). The thing is though, I'm sure I was in love with him. It just wasn't comparable to anything I've felt in even the closest friend, it was a whole new and amazing thing. And I don't know how me loving him worked with my sexuality, really, but I had decided that I couldn't give him what he would eventually want sexually, and I needed to experience what it would be like being with a girl. So after our break up, we spent time not talking or interacting, and it's now been 8 months and we are friends (though purely through text, as we don't currently live close, and meeting in person one-on-one would still have some definite weirdness.) Today he let me know he was in a relationship of sorts. He and a girl are clearly interested in each other, but it's not official currently as she lives very far. But she will be going to university near him come fall, and they plan to start truly dating then. I am genuinely happy for him, but I am also so completely heartbroken and emotionally distraught, I am having trouble handling it. I even called off work today because I didn't feel I could handle it. I don't know why it is so hard for me; I knew it would happen eventually, a good amount of time has passed, and I AM happy for him. But I hate the idea of him and another girl. I know I'm not quite over him. I know I'll probably compare how I connect with other girls to how I connected with him, and I just don't know how to deal, honestly. I often get into states of mind where I worry about if it was truly the right decision to leave him. Though I'd never suggest anything to him, as I want him to be able to be moved on and happy for himself, I can't help but question it constantly. I questioned it when I downloaded online dating apps to find girls, and realized just how picky I was. And how I don't want to settle for anyone I am not absolutely physically attracted to, even though it makes me feel shallow, because that would suggest I can be happy with someone with their physical appearance out of the equation, which makes breaking up with him pointless. I question it when I think about my future, and my doubts of finding someone. I was so truly happy with him, and we wanted the same things for our future and had the same morals and plans and got along so well. I wasn't repulsed by fooling around with him or anything, if I worked myself up enough I could definitely enjoy it, there was just no initial attraction and it took more than I think it would with girls. We could have made it work,in reality. He was always patient and wonderful with me, even when my sexual desires were complicated. I just felt like we probably both deserved more, that there is more, but sometimes I don't know. I question it when I hear all the different labels people have for their sexuality now. Some seem out there and over the top and silly even occasionally, but I know some people don't even believe homosexuality is natural and legitimate, so I would never decide what someone else feels isn't. What if I fall under one of those labels, and just don't realize it yet? Maybe I can fall in love with guys, and eventually enjoy things with them. Maybe it's more complicated. I've never loved or even really crushed on a girl based on anything except how she looks. I'm extremely attracted to females sexually, but so far I haven't had anything beyond that. I just don't get where I stand, and I wish it was more simple. Sometimes I really miss him. Sometimes I hope I'll get with a girl and realize it's not particularly better, and me and him can be together again. As if I just wanted a confirmation that I can be happy with him forever and nothing more or different does it for me. I wouldn't really try to be with him again at this point, because he's doing well it seems and I'm happy for him, and all signs still say I'm a lesbian, so I just want some support in dealing with trying to move on from someone and the best ways to do so, and advice on if you think my sexuality may be more complicated than I initially thought? Any replies appreciated.
I know EXACTLY how you feel but I'm a guy. I'm literally going through the same EXACT situation. After her and I split I did exactly what you did with the online dating apps. I was so picky too and felt out of place talking to guys, like it just didn't feel right at all. I found the sex between two guys very arousing, but when the chances presented themselves I was just like Mehhh. Although I genuinely enjoyed the sex her and I had. Throughout the whole time apart I missed her so much and she became all I could think about. She has recently come back into my life and we are trying to find a way to make it work. Please direct message me if you need someone to talk to about how you feel, I could use someone too. Good luck.
You're finding out life is really complicated. I think you did the right thing. You're still very young and you need to take the time to figure out what you really need and are looking for. Often times people hook up when they are really young and don't really know themselves. Next thing you know you're married with a couple of kids and you're pushing 40. Then all these things come crashing in on you. But now you're feeling like you're living a lie but your entire life is so intertwined with this guy and your kids you feel trapped. So my advice to you Is take your time and figure out what you really want. That way you don't have a lifetime of regrets.
Thanks for the replies, I really appreciate it. Me and him never had sex, but we did nearly everything else. Overall it was good, I just felt like it took some time to really turn me on. Like, seeing him nude did nothing for me really, and it took a lot of fooling around before I was really into it. Once I was, though, it was enjoyable! So far, I haven't been able to do anything but makeout with girls, which is definitely pleasant, but it's not enough to compare or help me figure out where I stand. I know I'm really into girls, but I can't help but wonder if it will be a big enough difference for it to have been worth it to lose someone I was so interested in emotionally, and so connected too. I know we could have had a great future, been great parents, etc. I guess I'd just like to believe when I get with a girl sexually, it'll be like fireworks and just make sense, but that's not really realistic and I just don't know how to feel about things anymore. I wish you luck in trying to make it work! Me and him broke up once for a short period, and went on a "break" once, but we always decided to try and still make it work, because we loved each other. For me it didn't, and we finally ended it for real. But after these 8 months I just wish I felt better about it. I hope all goes really well for you! That's exactly what ultimately made me end up breaking up with him. I knew we would have gotten married if I didn't end it on the grounds of my sexuality first, so I did, because I just felt my feelings towards girls wouldn't just go away, and I'd always wonder and it would bother me. I wouldn't want to hurt him and mess up his life and family, so I ended it. So it's good to hear you believe it was the right decision. Thank you. I just hope I can feel more sure of it myself eventually. I just can't help but wonder how I could have fallen so in love with someone of the opposite sex if I'm gay? Or if there was some way we could have made it work? I just find myself desperately hoping everything is spectacular when I get with a women, because if it's not, I'm afraid I'll regret everything.
