Depressed and trapped in my mind...

I hear you. What you've expressed, I could relate with so much. I have very similar experiences when I was in college. I feel that I can't offer you a golden solution that would surely make your life better, but I can assure you that you're not alone in this. I think it might help if you imagine all these feelings being shared with those you imagine "partying, drinking, etc." I feel that might help you realise you share a lot with them and not feel so alone. You can also try venturing out a little bit from what you're comfortable with. Just a little. It could be exciting to imagine what would happen, say, if you spoke to a new person or took interest in a club. When I was in college, I was a complete loner. I took interest in joining the on-campus radio station and through it I made so many dear friends. Really, it felt like family to me--and before you say you can't do this because of your issues, I was struggling with the peak of my depression and social anxiety at this time. So it's something to casually consider

 

It's great that you have been able to create a thread here about your feelings. For many people with depression it is easier to write about it than talk about it and if you find it helpful to use online spaces like EC to release some of that pain and anxiety, so be it. Tell me, would you consider counselling/therapy if it was purely online? I know you said you could never trust a random stranger, but isn't that what you did in posting this thread? I don't mean that to sound challenging, just trying to understand what might work for you and what options might be available to you.

I think Inky offered some good advice and I am not going to repeat it all again, but may I ask you about this comment:

How does that love/hate relationship with loneliness work? It sounds a little bit contradictory, but maybe you can explain it.

Depression is a terrible illness, made worse when you try to cope alone, so you are doing the right thing by reaching out. Can I urge you to be careful with your language though, because when you think of yourself as "a mess" (or other catastrophic terms like that) there is a real danger in sinking into those feelings and further depressing your mood. A little bit of self care and love goes a long way in these battles.

 

I feel for you. I think a lot of people go through something similar. I remover college as being this place where I socialized some, spent most of my time alone doing things I enjoyed and going out with the one person I felt close to there... But I didn't share too much with him just spent time together when I wanted. I ended up not staying there too long because it just made me feel too much like I preferred things my way but it isolated me because of the nature of it. It's hard to think that the way you feel is normal when you're not too happy and when you feel like you can't talk to people. I wish things were different so you felt comfortable talking to certain people but I know how that is. You will find someone you can talk to. People come into your life they really do. When I saw shrinks I never talked much and I think now older with more perspective I would know what to say but 5-10 years ago I would just have sat there. It can help to talk to someone who will just listen though. It's good to be sure not to take teachers thoughts too seriously, if they don't like your work that's one thing, if they're actually being mean to be mean that's a pain. There are subjects I'm better in than others and I get upset when people don't agree with me, I think way too much. It's hard to be in a position where you don't feel like you have the things you'd like. But reaching out is what helped me. Part time work with access to the community can open up your world to forced interaction with others and you might meet some people you really like that get you. I found my people very unexpectedly I bet you will too. But if you decide to talk to a therapist remember you're paying them to listen and they can't tell people. It can be nice to have the ability to talk out loud some of the things in your head. Good luck.

---------- Post added 9th Apr 2016 at 04:31 PM ----------

I want to be clear I understand depression and it can be crippling. There have been times when I just couldn't even get out of bed let alone keep a job or even make it to a class... Crying in the shower because then people don't know and so on... I felt better when I was able to really relax and talk... And life got good. You are so so so not alone. I just wanted to be clear what I meant by I know how you feel ~ hugs

---------- Post added 9th Apr 2016 at 04:38 PM ----------

Oh and I know what you mean not being like people, I always fit in better with the boys, the girls were often into things I wasn't and the boys often get the wrong idea or I'm just too dense to see things. My interests were never partying, it's all video games, books, 'nerdy' tv shows and movies and nature... People are coming around to the need side but if you like that kind of stuff too :-D conventions and stuff can be very freeing, dress up and find out who else is going, it can be awesome to pretend to be whatever you want and go somewhere where a lot of people are getting out and sharing their interests