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Should I date two people at once? Opinions?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by beowoolf, Apr 11, 2016.

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  1. beowoolf

    beowoolf
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    Hi fam! I'm in a bit of a crossroads here so please hear me out and lend me any dating advice if you have some. I'm completely new to dating, especially queer dating. (I'm 22F and identify as queer/pansexual.)

    Ok, so I'm kinda stuck between dating two people:

    Person A: is witty, intelligent, quirky, fun, with impeccable style and similar tastes in hobbies and "subculture." We're in the same faculty and study similar things. They're the social justice type and seem to have some deeply-held values. We met sort-of online and sort-of at school—as in I recognized them from a school thing while dating online. We've hung out a few times as friends and they seem to like me as a person and even shared some very personal things with me very quickly. However, they're either very minimalist in their communication style or they're really not interested in me, because they typically take days to reply and our text conversations end quickly and lack any meat. I was interested in them romantically soon after our initial meet-up and my plan has always been to ask them out the next time we hang out, which I've been trying to make happen for weeks but it hasn't worked out.

    Person B: She's the kind of person I didn't expect to like—at least at first. We're from faculties that notoriously don't get along and she obviously hangs out in a social culture completely different from mine. However, we do have some things in common and we met doing extracurricular/leadershippy type stuff. Although she's from out-of-town we come from similar immigrant family background/cultures. Anyway, somehow we ended up talking and, well, couldn't stop. We have some sort of connection for sure and can text for hours about the most mundane things. I feel very comfortable around her, like I don't have to worry about being socially awkward and just be myself. Our conversations flow very easily and sometimes we say the same exact things. She makes me feel good about myself and compliments me and I like to think I do the same to her. I'm getting a very strong vibe that she's interested in me and I've been dropping hints that I'm interested in her; in fact, our conversations get downright flirty at times.

    I honestly don't know that much about Person A, other than they're from the kind of social culture I typically aspire to, ie. they're in a band, read books and write poetry etc. etc. But again, I have no idea if they're even remotely interested in me.

    Person B is not my "type" but I cannot ignore our chemistry and how much we enjoy talking. HOWEVER, B is going through some pretty nasty drama that honestly isn't through any fault of her own (read: extremely homophobic parents that are borderline psycho, from what I hear). Frankly, I'm not sure I can handle that if we started dating. However again, I really don't want to judge someone based on things they cannot control.

    So. There you go. Maybe if I do end up meeting Person A I can ask them out and get it off my chest at least. At the end of the day I don't want to hurt anyone. Thanks in advance for your thoughts!
     
    #1 beowoolf, Apr 11, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 11, 2016
  2. Aspen

    Aspen
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    To answer your first question, dating both of them at once is an option, but they both have to be on board for it. It's entirely possible that one (or both) of them won't be interested in a non-exclusive relationship. If things go well, you would absolutely have to choose in the future.

    Personally, it sounds to me like you're hitting it off better with B. With A, you only really mention that she's into the same culture that you'd like to be. I don't think her texting habits are really a problem—some people are just terrible at texting back. That doesn't mean they don't prefer phone calls or talking in-person. However, it sounds like you would rather text often and that would be where your priorities don't match.

    Whether you can or can not handle dating someone with homophobic parents (especially if there's any possibility of danger) is an important personal decision. It's not judgment, it's about safety. When my girlfriend and I talked before we started dating, I was very upfront about the fact that my family is homophobic. She told me that it wasn't something she'd ever wanted to deal with but for me she would. If she decided that it wasn't something she could do, I would've understood. It's also important to note that we were in college and therefore it was significantly easier for me to hide our relationship than it would be if I was around my family all of the time.

    Whether you end up dating both of them, one of them, or neither of them, good luck. :slight_smile: It's entirely up to you. And you can always ask them to hang out as friends if what you want is to get to know them both better.
     
    #2 Aspen, Apr 12, 2016
  3. A Mindful Wolf

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    Sounds like you and "B" have a connection...and she's single as far as you've indicated...I don't think that comes around a lot. I know some people can't handle their partner remaining closeted, and that's legitimate I suppose, but I think if you love someone, it shouldn't be such an issue, especially at the start of the relationship.
     
    #3 A Mindful Wolf, Apr 12, 2016
  4. Pret Allez

    Pret Allez
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    Yes
     
    #4 Pret Allez, Apr 12, 2016
  5. Aerin

    Aerin
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    Like others, I get the vibe that you have a stronger connection with person B. I dated someone who I had a lot in common with lifestyle wise, plus we shared all of the same opinions and had the same values. But at the end of the day we just didn't have the connection. I think that connection is the most important thing to consider in dating. Plus, having different lifestyles kind of makes things more interesting. It gives you something to talk about and you learn about stuff you normally wouldn't have.

    I think it would be okay to ask both of them out and make it clear that you just want to date very casually, and non exclusively, and then see where things go. Being upfront from the start is important, otherwise people could get hurt.
     
    #5 Aerin, Apr 12, 2016
  6. beowoolf

    beowoolf
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    Thanks everyone! You guys all bring up some really good points.

    I think the key would be to keep things slow and keep things casual. Which I believe works for both people (although, like everyone says, I'm leaning towards B). We're all busy university students with our own share of drama in our lives so I doubt anyone wants more trouble, haha.

    That's an excellent point, Aspen. I'm not too too worried because the folks in question are across the planet, but I think it's worth an open conversation at least.
     
    #6 beowoolf, Apr 13, 2016
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