I think my friend might be gay, and I might be too.

First, some background on me. I grew up in a relatively conservative town in a relatively conservative middle-class family who sent me to a catholic private school. While both my parents have made anti-LBGT comments in the past, I’m confident they would ultimately accept me if I way gay or bi.

I’ve only dated women in the past. One thing I’ve noticed and accepted about myself is that I am not sexually attracted to anyone right off the bat. For me, romantic attraction comes first and then sexual attraction naturally follows. I’ve loved every heterosexual relationship I’ve been in, and have no doubt that those feelings and sexual attraction were 100% genuine.

Last year I moved down south for work. I recognize that when I moved away from home, I left behind a lot of pressures or expectations to be straight. Despite this, I can honestly say I had never had romantic or sexual feelings for another man ever - until a few months ago when a friend of mine came to visit.

Now, some background on him. He grew up in a relatively conservative town a few hours from me, in a relatively conservative middle-class family who also sent him to catholic private school. We met on the internet through mutual friends and instantly hit it off because we share many common interests. We would talk on Facebook a few times a month, and planned a few road trips each year to hang out.

Because we only hung out during these road trips, mutual friends always tagged along. Because of this, we were never really alone. We had a pretty obvious “bromance” that our friends would constantly joke about, and we embraced it without shame. Neither of us are homophobic.

A few months ago he finally made it down south to visit me. We took a road trip together and it was like nothing had ever changed. The only difference on this trip is that we had, for the first time, time alone together - and even when there were no friends to laugh along with us, we continued perpetuating our “bromance”.

Our plan was to meet some friends of mine in a city 5 hours away. While I told him he was free to bring his own friends with him, he opted to come alone. We managed to fill the silence on both the drive there and back with non-stop conversation, I don’t think I even turned the radio on.

Looking back, the contents of our conversations threw up some pretty obvious rainbow colored flags. He talked about how he suspected that two of his friends were in a closeted gay relationship, and how he would be supportive if they came out. I talked about how one of my best friends recently chose to come out to me first, and how glad I was that he could trust me. We were both athletic in high school, so we talked about locker room shenanigans. We talked about our families, and how I thought my parents would ultimately accept me if I was gay, and how he thought his father would have a tough time accepting it.

One thing he has never talked about is his past relationships. In fact, I have never seen any evidence to show him ever having a girlfriend. Our mutual friends have never mentioned an ex, but I have never explicitly asked. We are both very focused on our careers, and working long hours at our jobs does not leave much time for either of us to date. It was a small miracle that we even found time to take this trip at all.

We shared a hotel room together. Neither him or I had any reservations about nudity. When it came time to change into or out of our swim trunks, or to get dressed after a shower, we just stripped down in front of each other. It wasn’t discussed, we just knew the other person was comfortable with it. One night while changing into our suits we even joked about ditching the trunks and going skinny dipping instead.

Throughout the trip, we found plenty of time for the two of us to venture off from the rest of my friends and do things by ourselves. My friends and I had been to this city before, so I wanted to focus on doing things he was interested in. We took turns paying for each others meals, show tickets, etc. The last night of the trip he just wanted to get back to the hotel early to relax. We both got comfortable on the couch together and just talked, it was like we could never run out of things to talk about.

I could tell he was sad to see the trip come to an end when we woke up the next morning. In fact, he didn’t say much at all until we got in the car to drive back to where I live. Those five hours on the road felt like they went by in an instant, and the next thing I knew we were at the airport. I hugged him and told him I’d let him know when I made it back north to visit. I promised him we’d make plans to see each other soon.

The truth is, I missed him as soon as he disappeared into the terminal. For a few days I thought my feelings were just a combination of homesickness and “bromance,” but after a while I admitted to myself that my heart ached for him. Since that last road trip we’ve texted nearly every day, and I can’t imagine him not being a part of my life.

A big part of me feels like I’m being dishonest with him by not telling him how I feel. But I also don’t want to burden him with my feelings if he is straight, or is gay but isn’t ready to come out.

We have another road trip planned for later this summer, and I will be sharing a room with him again. We plan on doing quite a bit of drinking, and I'm not sure what either of us may say or do when our inhibitions are lowered. I'm not sure what my mindset should be going forward. Is this something I should pursue, or let go completely?

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

I'll be sure to post an update. Work has gotten busy again for both of us, which has kinda allowed me to step back from the situation and take a few much needed breaths. We still talk nearly every day, but I'm too exhausted from work to over think things like I have been.

Our next road trip is in a couple months, and it looks like it is just going to be the two of us again. My gut tells me that, one way or another, I'll get my answer on that trip.

Thanks everyone for the kind words and new perspectives. I feel so much better now that I have shared this with somebody, even anonymously.

 

So, as promised, here is an update.

As far as a vacation goes, this last road trip with him was hands down one of the best times of my life. At the end of the day we both had a lot of fun together and, even if nothing ever becomes of us, I will look back on this trip fondly.

It was a short trip, just an overnight stay in one of our favorite towns in the mountains. Again, I told him he was free to bring friends of his own but he opted to come alone. We talked the entire drive there, and at times I was so captivated that I couldn’t help but stare at him. I think he caught me a few times, but I didn’t care - he didn’t seem to care either.

We spent the day visitng our favorite places. In the quiet moments of the day I would catch myself staring into his eyes. I know he caught me a few times, but when he did he didn’t seem to waiver - just smile for a few seconds and then look away.

We teased and complemented each other. We laughed and smiled and just enjoyed each others company. We acted like a couple - and I think one particular waitress may have mistaken us for one.

He brought a handle of whisky along, and in the evening we started drinking pretty heavily. He dared me to go skinny dipping during a midnight stroll when no-one was around. I was hesitant, but I followed his lead and stripped off my clothes. We joked about how cold the water was, and he mentioned how he noticed I “man-scaped.”

When we got back to the cabin he started taking the cushions off the pull-out couch. I stopped him and told him that the king-size bed was big enough for both of us. He agreed and said we should share the bed. We ended up getting to third base that night.

I woke up before he did. I stared at the ceiling scared of what this meant. Was it just the alcohol - and if it was - what would this mean for our friendship? When he woke up I told him that I, “might be bi,” and he said that, “we didn’t need to put a label on it.” We ended up fooling around some more before taking a shower together - so I guess it wasn’t just the alcohol.

We put on our clothes and hit the road. There was no awkwardness between us during the drive home. We talked and laughed - he caught me staring again and smiled. Things were so great that I was afraid of messing everything up by bringing my feelings into it.

I’ll see him again in a couple months. I know that when I do, I’ll need to tell him how I feel about him. I’m afraid of what his reaction might be - because even if he feels the same way about me he has so many reasons not to come out - both personal and professional. Until then we will continue to talk; to trust each other with our frustrations, dreams, and secrets; and hopefully grow closer together.