Feeling disheartened by gay hookup culture

I think the most important thing is why you use them. I'm very shy and I have 2 of those apps. I only have them because at least it takes guesswork out of someone's orientation and gives me a chance to maybe meet some guys. I don't like the idea of casual sex either, so I make sure to express too that I'm not looking for hookups.

 

Yeah, I would find it bothersome as well.

 

There are actually hook up apps?

 

You have every right to be angry if you all are dating. If you haven't been, it sounds like you are upset that either he isn't interested in being in a relationship with you, or isn't the type of person who you envisioned him being before getting to know him better. Either way it seems like someone who you wouldn't be happy dating.

Not to say that my values are correct for everyone, but here is my opinion on "hookup site whores": I hate to think this way(and admit it)....But the prevalence of people looking for hookups in the LGBT community has made me quite skeptical and distrusting of people when looking for dates. It seems like a significant percentage of non-straight males act like monkeys following only primal instincts/desires as if they are a less-evolved species. :tantrum:

 

I don't like meeting guys for casual sex either, but as long as you are clear about what you want, I'm sure you'll find someone whether it be through the app(s) or not.

 

I think I knew this about gay guys, a long time before "social media" was conceived (I'm an older guy). By the time I was halfway through college, I realized that there was something that was terribly wrong. And as you wrote, it also kept me in the closet.

There has been a craving I've had forever for a closeness with another man. It is the sex, and the friendship. I realized that forsaking straight relationships for this world would never work, because after decades I only know perhaps two gay couples who had been together for a long time. The rest broke up. Same sex marriage is going to be a bonanza for lawyers.

The reason for this seems to be that men are programmed to avoid emotional intimacy. Everything we do seems designed to isolate us from one another. In San Francisco, I knew a lot of guys who were as lonely as they could be, but when they got horny casual sex was a stroll away.


I never could master the gay pickup culture, but when social media came along, I learned to get casual sex from various places on the internet. You can arrange a sexual encounter with a guy, meet, and if you find him the least bit interesting, it is virtually impossible to make any kind of lasting connection. In one minute, you are on the most basic intimate terms with that person, and minutes later it's time to become strangers again. Whenever I have thought I had a chance to break through this hard-wired rule, it has led to immense heartache. In two cases, that heartache lasted as long as years, and caused me to withdraw even further into myself.

Women do not have as many of these problems. There are hundreds of thousands of committed, lesbian couples that you can find almost anywhere. Of course, women are not quite as well programmed for casual, instantly gratifying sex, either. Perhaps they would complain that men, when horny, are a quick Craigslist hookup away from relief. As with all generalizations, there can be accuracy problems. Those men here who like men generally will have to admit that anonymous sex with another man is fairly simple to arrange, and can be quite good sometimes, while it lasts. Arranging a friendship of any kind, on the other hand, is immensely more difficult. A man could get married to women fifty times, before he could find a suitable man to marry, in a marriage that would last.

Straight men do not simply hook up with women. In general, it involves a complex series of negotiations, that may require numerous social interactions, before any sex takes place. A gay guy can get on Craigslist and, in some cases, be having sex with another guy within an hour or two. Somebody in a 3D pickup spot or with one of these new phone apps might get that down to minutes. Do you see women using these apps? Not on your life.

The problem is, what is a gay man supposed to do for a "relationship?" A lot of threads around here center on the coming out to the wife, so that one can start down the road toward a glorious, open, and honest life in a gay "relationship." The problem is, the accessibility of that life may consist mainly of an illusion. It may be virtually impossible for most men to develop stable, committed, close intimate relationships with other men.

Of course, a lot of gay men could tell those formerly straight married men to not be so hasty, because after using hookups for sexual satisfaction for maybe 20 years, they decide they want a real (lasting) relationship. Unfortunately, they have no skills, because they were able to get off without any emotional attachment, and now they don't have a clue what to do.

This is a problem, not only for gays, but for straight men as well who may crave closer friendships with men, without any sex. Louise Bernikow, who wrote a book entitled "Alone in America," describes wonderfully how most married men have virtually no close friendships, outside of their heterosexual marriages. Furthermore, the suicide statistics reveal that this fact takes a terrible toll on men, day after day.

Say what you will about obliterating "sex roles," but men and women have different ways of processing emotional insecurities. This is why most of us who are married sometimes find our wives are not the best shoulder to cry on when we are worried about something.

 

I feel you man...I've become very disillusioned with "gay culture" (not really a thing, but for convenience's sake). Some guys I know are perfectly OK with "hooking up" on the weekends despite relationships, and some partners even "tolerate" it, even though they don't have an open relationship.
Not only that, it makes me TERRIFIED of contracting a disease. I want to start PrEP purely out of paranoia because I don't know if I can trust any guy not to be hooking up or cheating on me, despite not being in a relationship right now or the foreseeable future, but it's just the paranoia :<

 

That is the modern conundrum. Chip, where on earth do you meet the gay guys that do not advertise they are gay yet are sweet nice gentlemen? Sigh.

 

I get the issue here but I never met anyone via a hook-up app because they didn't even exist when I was out meeting guys and I still found some good ones.

The dating scene has changed and I suppose it depends how progressive it is wherever each person lives but there are gay social groups or activities/ sports clubs etc. So that could be an option. I was surprised how much there is near me.

I don't think that hook-up apps result in more relationships or more promiscuous sex. I think it's just happening in a different way.
It's easy to judge people for just meeting for sex but there is often a reason behind it, which is why it's unfair to dismiss someone for having a promiscuous past.

 

I completely understand your sentiments. A "hookup culture" can be daunting and anyone with reasonable character would be compelled to shy from it. You want to do what's "right" by yourself and your spirit man (ok, I won't turn your post into a religious one), so I'll avoid tapping into human spirituality and its ties to sex. But I understand--you don't want to be the sleaze down the street hooking up with a guy every night. However, this is a common stigma that accompanies living life as a gay man. I would just find new, less risqué guys to hang out with. They're gonna be harder to find, but they are out there.