lost a friend...now what

I know I've talked on this subject for about 3 months already here but I just got to get this out in the open.

Edmond(the "crush") I had for a while and I just parted ways for being friends but it was an amicable parting. It's a complicated mess to explain but I'll explain it carefully here:

So last week on Tuesday night, Edmond and I went out to a bar. We had stayed from midnight to last call(2am is last call for alcohol where we are from). We had a few drinks. Given our recent run in with the law, we had planned to "play it safe" by getting an Uber back to his place. So we left his car at the parking lot of the strip complex where the bar is at.

So we take an Uber ride back to his place. We chill a bit, we have a few beers. Then, we take an Uber to go back to my appartment to pick some stuff up. And then we go back to his appartment to chill a bit. We had left the apprtment again to stay at my place.

I let him crash at my place because we had gotten pretty trashed. So I let him stay at my place, he's a bit more drunk than me given the fact he took a lot of liquor shots/liquor than I did. So anyway, I let him stay at my place.

I didn't know that his place was broken into when we left his apartment. I didn't know that his parents checked on his place and noticed that, and they assumed "the worst."

Shit really hit the fan and I didn't know throughout the next day Wednesday, 13th. So I'm in my room just hungover, Edmond's halfawake. I get these missed calls from two different numbers. One person asked me "Is Edmond okay?". I had replied back, "Yes's he's okay." I got a reply back, "Where's the car." I didn't know who was texting and it was freeking me out.

And then I try to wake him up, to ask who are these people texting me. He's half awake to respond and is sleepy still. So I tell him I'm going to class and I'll be back by the afternoon.

So I go to class and somehow I get this random call from Edmond's mom(how she got my number, is beyond me) and asks if Edmond is okay. I said he is and she said they are looking for him. I told he's okay.

And then after the first half of class I just had a weird vibe that shit wasn't right, so I told my professor I had took take care of something and left. I went back to my place on campus and told Edmond that his mom called me. And I think they are looking for him. And then randomly about an hour and half later, my dad calls me up on my phone.

My dad was pissed off that, Edmond's parents went up to my house and asked where was Edmond. They assumed we were at my house due to the following reasons: 1. I was the last person seen with him(somehow they obtained a Snapchat of us at the bar-how they did that is beyond me), they saw empty liquor bottles at his place. His dog was running around the apartment complex. And the car was missing.

So shit just turned into some James Patterson kidnapping/mystery novel: rich White kid goes missing.

Now my dad wasn't too fond of upper class White folks coming around to the house and assuming that he was some "trouble." He wasn't fond of them going through his background like he was a criminal. They told him that Edmond and I were in jail last month and all that crap, that pissed my dad of course. So he called me up and asked me where Edmond was at. I told him he was with me. So he got ticked at me over all that.

I mean, I told Edmond to tell his parents that he's okay and to drop the police search. He talks on the phone to his mom: they found out about us drinking and he told where the car was parked at. I guess he was in the "dog house" with his parents because after he was done talking with them, he just told me that they wanted him to go to a 45 day rehab stint.

He did a 2 week rehab stint in February but still drank and did whatever.

So I felt like shit just hit the fan from this incident. I let Edmond chill at my place for a bit. He goes back to his place. He did text an appology to my dad for the whole incident, yet my dad was still pissed off and he didn't have nothing to nice to really say to Edmond. I don't blame my dad really given the whole situation, so I had told Edmond that my dad was going to be pissed somewhat if he texted. I only told Edmond to text my dad, so at least my dad knew that Edmond was a man and took responsibility for what he did.

So the next day, Thursday, shit feel surreal.

I was puzzled about shit depressed. Edmond and I just text each out somewhat during the day. Just applogizing to each other. We came to the realization: that everything is getting crazy, we need a break. Which I agreed with. Later, he told me that his parents don't want us talking and they blocked my number. He did wish me well on terms of wanting to get sober which I feel like I should do now because I just last the last branch of someone I drank with.

The whole "blocking" thing I felt was just some bullshit. Why? I'm not the big bad wolff Mexican they assume I am or whatever. Edmond was way more into alcoholism that me because he always boasted about his drunken ventures at the bars that were in the same posh complex as his apartment. And from the period after we left jaill till last week, Edmond more or less was drinking every week. I know he told me he blacked out a few times, he had a drunken 4 way with 3 different girls. And he appeared conflicted at times of wanting to quit. He seemed to bitch at times that he was spending "way too much money" in regards to his bar tabs.

So if they think I was encouraging Edmond or they were clueless that he was drinking even after we were arrested, they can check his bank statements, I'm sure they will find all the bars he went too.

I felt a sour taste for his parents ever since Edmond and I left jail: I got the cold shoulder when I left jail with Edmond, I had to get a fucking Greyhound bus from where I was back to my hometown. It sucked. I know Edmond said they were going back to the ranch till their vacation at Hawaii. I mean, I could see they were going to the ranch, but I felt they could've dropped me off back to my appartment. It's not like they couldn't, they have the money.

I just felt that his parents have some slight class bias towards myself. I don't think Edmond had any bias towards me but his parents do. Maybe the class bias with some racial aspects because I know my dad may agree with.

I don't want to spin around this thing about the race card here but I just feel it have just became more of a race/class issue now than just an issue about two 20-something friends.

So I lost my friend, I lost "my crush." I've been depressed. :tears: Because he saw me as an equal. I did the same with him. I have a lot of feelings towards him still, I wished we didn't have this problem. Maybe it could've been different if we communicated things better.

Now I'm sober(8 days sober) and I'm trying to sort my life out again.

I feel somewhat vulnerable that I lost my "close crush" and I'm unsure of myself. I'm back on the waggon in the recovery program at my college but I'm just taking it one day at a time.

 

Yeah Edmond is adopted. He was born in '90 in the USSR it's now Tashkent, Uzbekistan. But he was adopted by an Anglo couple around 93 I believe. This couple yeah they are rich but he's an "adopted Anglo American" guy.

Yeah Edmond has a drinking problem. He goes out to bars basically every week and he lives in an upscale apartment that's located in an upscale shopping center near my university.

Without really giving too much personal details about myself, I do live in South Central Texas but racism isn't really widespread in my area. My city is segregated by neighbors to a degree but it's race/class divisions more.


I felt that them forcing us to cut ties and getting paranoid and having the balls to show at my parents' house really said some things. I mean it pissed my dad off, that his parents showed up and basically thought we were their(my dad told me that, and he's still pissed off slightly)

 

In terms of how I'm feeling at the moment: I feel somewhat slightly better at times but still somewhat depressed over this whole shit.

I lost a friend whom I bonded a degree with, I mean I felt like we "clicked" regardless of what was right/wrong.

Maybe the substance or whatever made things worse, I don't know.

I just been dealing with the fallout at times from my parents because of the following:
How my parents indirectly found that Edmond and I got arrested last month; a past arrest I had before this year. I mean the past arrests are in the past, I can accept that but I just didn't like how his parents just came up and assumed I'm the big bad wolf drunk you know.

That has left the sour taste in my mouth plus the other bullshit I'm dealing with my parents over this whole experience. My dad assumes that I had slept around with Edmond. The fact of the matter, I didn't "sleep" with Edmond. I never had sex with Edmond. Yeah, there was some sexual feeling towards him but I never made any proposition for him and I to have sex.

Granted, I can see where my dad's point is coming from: He assumed that Edmond's this upper class White guy and I may just wanted him just for his money. I wasn't after Edmond's money. I have my own money, I earn with own part time job. Whatever "money" that Edmond "earns" is his. I mean, that's a big difference.

Going back to my feelings over Edmond, yeah I liked him because I just saw him as this guy of my dreams somewhat. If everyone has followed my posts, you'd understand my point. It seemed like what we clicked at times. Yes there was some bad but we worked things out at times, with the most capacity as we could.

Maybe our parents may have disagreed or assume the friendship was bullshit, but I strongly felt like we were close friends.

But it was weird how Edmond threw in some vague sexual innuendos at times, that we "hooked up" at his place one time but we didn't. Or he said vaguely how long I want to hang out with him, that's I'm in love. I mean, it was funny because it was the same time, that I felt like i had some mixture of feelings platonic/romantic/sexual feelings for him. But it wasn't all like I wanted for his money.

What I liked about him was just he see me as an equal first and foremost, I like maybe he treated me well and had that. Maybe it seemed like a borderline date that he invited me around and pays for my drinks, maybe. Maybe or maybe not, I just liked the high class lifestyle I was trying to lean towards. Like some taste of "whiteness" because I romantize that shit, like I was tasting "whiteness". I would have the occasional dream that he and I could've had something like we could've had a place in some ritzy ass place in Southern California or traveled around.

But I'm unsure if I liked the person or I liked the lifestyle. It seemed like a mixture of I was liking the person, I was liking the lifestyle, and maybe it was some desire of claiming Whiteness. Maybe I just wanted to detach myself form the low caste "Mexican" identity or whatever, but just yearn fro the so-called "Whiteness" I somewhat been chasing for a while.

 

I feel somewhat a bit better slightly.

It does suck that I "lost" Edmond as a friend. I mean we went through a lot together, I can't take away the good we had despite "the bad." I mean, I just can't let go of the good I have with people despite some negativity I hold with people.

 

It is difficult at times to get back this shit. I mean, I don't blame myself 100% for what had happened. There is some parts of responsibility I do hold, there is some responsibility he holds.

I mean Edmond didn't say the last time we communicated like, "[my name], you fucking dumbass. You were drunk as a skunk. You parents and my parents are pissed off. I wasn't doing the same thing to him.

We just agreed that there was just some bad communication from our part, maybe if he had texted his parents that he was "okay" during the morning, maybe a lot of shit could've been avoided.

I didn't know that his parents were going to make it into some missing person's case and make it seem like some James Patterson mystery/thriller novel crap.

I mean, the gall of them to go to my parents' house and "assuming" that we were drinking and doing drugs left a sour taste on my mouth and my parents' as well. I mean, I didn't appreciate them just waltzing in to my parents' place thinking we were there and making general assumptions that just because I was the last person seen with Edmond, I did something to him.

I didn't. Yeah we partied but I didn't hurt him. I let him sober up at my place, thinking I was doing "the right thing" because we partied quite a bit and was looking out for him.

I know Edmond didn't put me under the bus by his parents because he appeared to defend me to my dad when he apologized to my dad on a text message the next day. I know my dad was still pissed off but I just told Edmond to at least send a text to my dad and at least apologize like a man.

That really didn't do anything.

I know his parents seem to have some negative view of me which I do call bullshit on. I have this belief they think I encouraged him to drink which I don't. When I was in Bryan-College Station for a history conference earlier in the month, Edmond was texting me up that he blacked out a night prior and "was taking a break." Yet, whenever he tells me "takes a break" he goes right back out. And he boasted to me in texts the spends quite a bit of money at bars and has random hooks up with women. I'm not questioning his spending or sex habbits, that's his life but I just feel that his parents portray me as this low caste alcoholic Mexican or whatever. I just felt like that given how things have been.

I know Edmond isn't this snotty guy, he may come off as it but he's not. He thanked me for letting him sober at my place and all that.