Is this worth holding out hope for?

Hi guys,

So I've been taking a lot of me-time to think about the past few months of my life recently, and I think I just need somewhere to vent or possibly to ask for an opinion. So here goes.

Long story short(er), I confessed that I had feelings for one of my best friends, whom I've had a crush on for nearly three years. I prepared myself for the inevitable "I'm flattered, but straight" response, and although at first he didn't say anything the next day we had a pretty risque conversation which led to him confessing his feelings for me the day after, which he had had at that point for several months. He told me he wasn't ready for a serious relationship, especially given I was the first guy he'd thought about in that way, but we mutually agreed that there was a fair share of sexual tension between us that needed to be relieved.

So over the course of the next two months, we hooked up twice, and it was honestly nothing short of incredible. We didn't go beyond making out or feeling each other up, but he had made it clear that even though he identified as straight, the whole being with a guy thing wasn't uncomfortable for him. In my mind, he's honestly the most incredible person I've met and probably ever will meet, and in a lot of ways he's perfect if not very close to it. He was my first in a lot of ways; needless to say, even though we promised we wouldn't get too attached and just try and keep it physical, that inevitably started to happen.

About two months in, our interactions started to change, to the point that I was really the only one talking or texting about relationship-y stuff. He texted me later in the week and told me that he thought it would be better if we went back to the way we had been before we started hooking up. Somewhere along the line, he realized that he had been letting himself get too close to me and was worried that somewhere along the line one of our feelings would fade, or something bad would happen, and we would end up hurting each other. For him, keeping our relationship strictly to friendship was the best way to keep me in his life for as long as he possibly could. And as much as it hurt me, we ended it.

Flash forward about a month and we're still friends, definitely even closer than we had been before and with the same degree of physical closeness that we'd always shown. I've shed a lot of tears and spent a lot of time thinking about it, and the simple truth of the matter is that I'm still not over him. I mean I've managed, but I can't deny that I'm still hurting.

Although I'm pretty sure his feelings just faded, and him telling me he didn't want to hurt me was his way of letting me down easy, that romantic side of our relationship was left pretty open-ended in the sense that neither of us explicitly said we wouldn't get back together. It's obvious we both still care incredibly about each other; honestly, I think that I'm partially to blame as I was moving too fast and got in over my head and let myself fall in love with him. But I really do still love him, whether as a friend or otherwise, and while part of me wants to put the romantic side behind me and totally invest myself in being his best friend, the rest (and most) of me still finds leaving it behind impossible.

I know that I want to keep him in my life forever. He's told me that whether or not we're together, he's never letting go of me. But is holding out hope for picking up where we left off something that I should let myself do; or is it just another mistake?

I'm really sorry for burdening you guys with my problems. But for any of you who stuck around to read the whole thing, thank you. It really is much appreciated.

 

Thank you Mindful Wolf for your response. For now I think I'll be alright waiting, but somewhere down the line that might change. I obviously don't want to deny myself happiness, but it's kind of hard to think in terms of that right now considering how happy he made me, if that makes any sense. Because right now, I feel like I would wait forever for him. But I'll reflect and evaluate the situation from that perspective... I guess we'll see how it goes. Thank you again.

 

I don't know if I'm completely understanding what you're saying, but I know he's very adamant about being my friend; we were incredibly close before we started hooking up, and nothing has really changed in that respect. When the possibility of taking our relationship to the next level arose, though, it was him that didn't want to start "dating" but rather just keep it physical. He was completely okay with holding my hand and kissing me in public, but just didn't want to put the label to it for fear of getting too attached, I guess.

In terms of genuine attraction to guys, it's ambiguous - he could've just been scared as I was his first, or it could've been a one-time thing. It may be selfish of me, but I'm still holding out hope it's the former. And yes, we are the same age - both 16. Our friendship is still the top priority for me, because I want to keep him in my life forever, but I still can't help thinking about him in that way - hard as I'm trying to keep those feelings under control.