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How to talk to my friends about their attitudes

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by 243Kenzie, Apr 28, 2016.

  1. 243Kenzie

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    Hi, I am a college student and I semi recently came out to my friends as queer, about four months ago. At first everyone was great about it but lately they have been acting weird about stuff. I am a girl and I know I like girls but idk if i like guys, and i say I am queer but they all still call me gay or a lesbian.

    Also we used to talk about people we like/though were hot, and now they talk but exclude me and say your gay you can't tell if a guy is hot anyway.

    Also I went shopping with one friend and she said she needed a bra, so I said cool cause I like seeing and picking out all the fun colors and patterns at Victoria Secret. But she said thats weird cause your a lesbian, as if she thought would follow her into the changing room and jump her. So I had to sit outside the store and read while she was shopping, which never
    happened before.

    There are a few other things like this that are really starting to bug, like one friend telling her conservative parents I'm gay so she could see them freak out and say I'm corrupting their daughter. Even though I will probably never meet them I can now never go and visit her.

    So my question is how do I talk to my friend about their behavior without losing them as friends? Is this all in my head and a normal reaction to finding out your friend is not straight? Am I overreacting to small things in my head?
    Thanks
     
  2. Lance

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    Being of the college age, I would not say these are "normal" reactions, maybe for younger teens/adolescents. I don't think their actions/the way they talk is very mature and definitely shows a lack of understanding on the LGBT subject. I also don't think you are overreacting since what they are saying/doing is not nice by any means. The only thing you can really do is tell them that the way they are acting is very hurtful. I would also tell them that you are still the same person you were before, but now they just know you a little better. You also may or may not want to mention that you aren't attracted to every girl you see and have no interest in them in that way(it seems they might think that). I know my best friend asked me that when we talked about me being gay, lol.
     
  3. Euler

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    This sounds like high school stuff really. Your friends are behaving in rather immature way.

    First, you could explain your friends what queer means (tbh I don't know what that means either). I take it from your story that queer is not the same as gay or lesbian.

    On the issue of them thinking that you couldn't say who guy is hot and who is not, you could explain them that just the same way as they know which woman is hot without being attracted to them you can tell who guy is hot without feeling attraction to him.

    On the question of bra shopping. It's a bit trickier because the problem is really in your friend's head. The same way she is not attracted to every man she encounters neither are you attracted to every girl you see. And even if you were that doesn't mean that you couldn't control your behavior. So next time ask her why does she think it's awkward to do shopping with you.
     
  4. cakepiecookie

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    I agree, they are being super immature. It sounds like they're generally pretty ignorant.

    I'd talk to them calmly and in a non-attacking way, like "When you do X, I feel like Z". Explain to them what "queer" means to you. If they're straight then it's not surprising that they're not clear on the lingo. Tell them that their assumption that you're attracted to them or would act inappropriately is both arrogant and offensive. Being into women doesn't mean you're into *all* women or that you'd ever take advantage of them. Give them a chance to ask you questions and talk about things - it sounds like they're still a bit awkward about it and need to clear the air.

    Hopefully they'll see where you're coming from and realise that they've been pretty silly about it. I think it's worth giving friends some time and patience - we all come from different backgrounds, and people often come around once they get to know an LGBT person and learn more.

    Don't be infinitely patient though. If they continue acting this way, it's probably time to move on and find better friends.
     
    #4 cakepiecookie, Apr 29, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 29, 2016
  5. Robert

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    Bisexuality gets a lot more hate than homosexuality. They're trying to stuff you in the homosexual box because they probably dont believe that bisexuals even really exist. The only real way to fight against this attitude is to keep reminding them that you might be bisexual and you're currently questioning your sexuality altogether.... they probably still wont take you seriously because they're probably biphobic and they sound really immature.

    Sorry you had to get landed with such a shitty friendship group. Maybe try and make some LGBT friends? I know that you live in a small village so thats probably going to be quite difficult for you but the internet is your friend - use it.
     
  6. Calf

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    The girls you mentioned don't sound like friends to me. Clearly this group has a hierarchal structure and they all just sent you to the bottom of it. I know it isn't the easiest step but maybe you could try and meet some new people that treat you as an equal.
     
  7. owlcat

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    It's a difficult one, especially if you want to remain friends with them. They sound like they're generalising and basing their knowledge off stereotypes, so maybe it would help to find some discussions that have taken place dissecting these kinds of ideas and present them to your friends. Often people pick up on stereotypes and, because they're unchallenging ways of thinking about things, they develop their perception of others off very two-dimensional images. Maybe compare it to you treating them like a different stereotype (the closest one you can find to them) and then ask if they feel treating them like that is fair - if they say no, say it's exactly the same thing they're doing to you. Sometimes people need encouragement to see how their actions are coming across to and affecting others.