Hi, Folk of EmptyClosets, I could do with some relationship advice. I am a young bi /gay (not sure) guy (lets call me Mike) and for the last 2 years I have been in a relationship with another gay guy (lets call him Dan). He is my first relationship with a guy and its going really well, he clearly loves me deeply and I love him too. I am so grateful for him, he is caring and thoughtful and kind and we have a good time when were together. BUT.... and I guess thats the thing. But... I feel like something is missing. I cant put a name on it. Its insanely frustrating. It sneaks in at random times. I am happy in this relationship and i don't want to break up with him. I know relationships aren't perfect, we have had a conversation about our sex life and that, in certain ways, it is lacking for me and we are working on that but I don't think that is the "but". I guess I'm really naieve in relationships, and I bet there is a million people who will be telling me I should be happy. I just want to know if this is normal, if anyone else has had a similar experience and what happened. I hate that I feel this way and I want to stop that niggling little feeling but I'm not sure how to do that, or if I'm even articulating it in an understandable fashion on here. I would appreciate any and all advice. Love, Mike x
Relationships are not without their challenges and you will be hard pressed to find anybody who is exactly the same as you; somebody with whom you will never disagree or experience any sort of issue or conflict with. Sometimes we shy away from these challenges and difficulties, but they can serve us well if we face them in a mature way. Providing you have open and honest communication with Dan you should be able to face these challenges together and build upon the existing foundations that make a good relationship. Do you feel as though you can talk to Dan in a mature way, without fear of rocking the boat? This is important, otherwise you may get into a pattern of settling for things (because it's okay really) and your love for each other becomes something that is safe, cosy and nice, rather than a love that excites and enlivens you. Maybe that's what you are feeling now? I'm assuming you felt a real spark with Dan at the beginning, including physical/sexual attraction and a good personal vibe? The fact that you are still together after two years would suggest that all of that good stuff remains, so it might be worth looking beyond the relationship for clues. Have either of you been under stress or strain recently? Have either of you felt more tired, or even depressed? All of these things can affect a relationship and desire for sex. Are there any other issues, outside of the relationship that might be having an impact on the relationship? Really think about it to see if you can come up with answers. Don't be afraid to seek outside help and support if you are both struggling to move things on. Many people are too proud to seek sex or relationship counselling and leave things to fester. As you are in the UK, do look at the services offered by Relate and organisations like them. You may not be at that point yet, but don't cast it out of mind entirely.
I experienced this with a guy I dated for a year. I couldn't stand the thought of losing him. But at the same time, it just didn't feel quite right. Eventually we broke up because we both knew it wasn't meant to be. We're friends now and we sometimes talk about what was so wrong between us. We had major personality differences, that was the main reason. But another reason was the lack of communication. I always felt a wall there between us. We weren't ourselves together. We could sense it in ourselves and each other. I loved him but I was never in love with him. I realized that when I truly fell in love (he was scum and didn't deserve it, but now I know what love feels like). I'm not saying you guys aren't meant for each other. That was my situation, but not necessarily yours. Is there a lack of communication or a lack of deep connection? Are you not opening up to each other enough? It's incredibly important to be able to be completely yourself around your significant other. That is the only way a relationship can be truly fulfilling, in my opinion.
are you also good friends? I dated a guy for a while and I was missing something too. the problem for us was that we were just dating and we didnt have a friendship going on before that and that way I felt like we barely knew eachother or feel comfortable around him. I eventually broke up with him. maybe this is what youre missing?
