Just wondering if anyone else is in a similar boat: I'm 22 and I still live with my parents. Reason being I'm a student and it saves money and I'm in a really good school for what I want to study. So I can't move out until graduation, which is 1-2 years from now depending on my course schedules. Living with my parents is, on the whole, not bad. My folks are supportive people who have always respected my privacy and identity. However, they get very paranoid when I go out and have to come home alone late. Their idea of late is like 11pm-12am. I don't have a "curfew" per se but if I'm not home by this time they start panicking and will refuse to go to bed until they hear me come back inside. It's guilt-trippy because they work and have to get up early in the morning even on weekends. They're also really paranoid about people my age driving, and get antsy when I drive to places or go in a friend's car to go camping or skiing or whatever. I know this isn't a big deal and probably sounds very first-world-problems-ish, but at this stage in my life I want to be out of the house more and socializing and meeting people and doing things like go to shows, stay out late, go on road trips. I'm not a reckless teenager who doesn't understand the dangers of the night. In fact I daresay I'm more cautious than most people by age. Thing is, my parents don't care how mature I am, they're convinced that the world is out to rape and murder young females and it's not worth taking the risk AT ALL. Dating is also awkward. I'd like to invite people home...but my parents are NEVER out and it's just plain awkward having a partner over with them under the same roof. Sorry if this post was long and whiny. I know I should just be patient and grateful of my roof until I can move out. I'm just wondering if anyone else is in the same boat and would like to share any suggestions on how to cope.
I'm 26 and I still live with my parents and paternal grandmother. Over here in India, like most of Asia, it is a cultural thing to live with parents and isn't really something bad. However my parents have no problem with me moving out and want me to do so inorder to broaden my horizons. We have a mutual unspoken deal that once I settled, married and living in one place, they will come to where I am or we'll find a mutual ground somewhere since I'm insistent they live with me 10 years or 15 years down the line. I also agreed that I need to move out to learn independence, live my life and explore. I don't date, never have and most probably won't while living with my parents, so that's not something I can help you with. I'm grateful for my parents too. I'm currently financially dependent on them and that sucks. I'm an introvert so I don't have too many friends and barely go out much, so I don't need a lot of cash for it, but it does eat at my ego to have to ask money for little things. Hopefully that won't be the case for too long. On the contrary my parents wanted me to have girlfriends and bring them around for years now. No way in hell is that going to happen ever lol.
I'm sorry, but your parents need to seriously back off and chill the fuck out. If you were in your teens this paragraph would totally understandable, but at 22 you are way past the point in which they should have started loosening their paternal grip on you. Most helicopter parents' logic is that as long as they pay the bills they set the rules, which is right, but I assume the reason they are putting all these restrictions is because they care about you, and if so it should be in their best interest that you start becoming more independent. I don't wanna sound morbid when I say this, but they are not always going to be around to protect you, and if you don't start developing some sense of self-reliance now then what? Learn the hard way? I highly doubt that's what your parents want for you, but it's a very real possibility if they keep stumping your growth like this. Sit them down and help them understand that it's important for your formation as an adult to start taking steady steps into independence. Yes, that means there will be risks, but that is inevitable, sooner or later you are going to face unfamiliar situations and you are not going to learn how deal with them by twiddling your thumbs at home. Do try to help them realize this, and when you do it, don't do this: Do not undermine nor make light of your own predicament. They need to understand this is important to you and it's not just you acting out. Do make a point of remarking how thankful you are for everything they do for you, but be firm in your stance and hammer home the fact that this is a necessary step in your growth as a person. I guess that's all you can do at the moment. It's either that or doing your thing behind their backs.
I'm almost 23 and living with my mom. I'd love to move out but I'm nowhere near able to financially. I can definitely relate to the paranoid parents. My mom's job involves a lot of driving so she sees some truly horrible driving every single day, from people of every age. She trusts me to be safe but she doesn't trust anyone else. I went to see a movie by myself on Thursday night and my mom kept freaking out. She gave me a lecture about being careful driving and parking close to the theater so I wouldn't have to walk very far in the dark alone and promised to buy me mace. The main thing to remember is that it's your life. Their worries are their own responsibility to manage, not yours. If they choose not to go to sleep despite having to get up for work in the morning, that's their problem.
As far as the first issue: Assuming you have a cell phone, you could easily call your parents to let them know you are on your way home, or going to be out later, or just to check in. If you are doing something that has a definite end time, you can let them know that time and that you are coming home after. You might treat this as a negotiating point with your parents - you agree to call/text/check in in exchange for them not panicking. Re the second issue (driving): In order for you to become a capable driver such as your parents presumably feel they are you have to actually have gain driving experience. This is not something that just magically happens because you hit a certain number of birthdays. This is something that your parents should understand and again something you can perhaps point out to them as part of negotiating somewhat more open boundaries with your parents. Hope this helps, Todd
Thanks everyone. A couple of points to clarify: @Phoenix77: I also come from an Asian background where living with one's parents isn't a point of shame but completely culturally natural. Most people in my culture don't move out until they get married, and the city I'm living in has astronomical housing prices anyway, so lots of young adults, including westerners, don't move out til much later. @RawringSnake: I agree they need to chill out, and I have tried talking to them, but it's kind of useless. Thing is, they know I can take care of myself no problem. I've studied abroad, planned and done travelling in foreign countries alone, gone on camping expeditions, and am probably better at cooking than they are. It's not to do with me or my independence or maturity; they don't care how mature I am, because no matter how capable I am the world is still a dangerous place in their eyes. So it's kinda tough to change their stance on that. @AKTodd: Thanks for the advice. The cell phone thing I already do, though I must admit sometimes I neglect to be quick at replying if I'm preoccupied and they get worried. And they don't rest easy until I get home. I agree with the driving. I'm trying to do more of that to practice.
It's pretty standard in my home country to live with your parents until late 20s. The economy just isn't what it used to be.
I'm also 22 and come from an Asian background, I think I can offer some advice. I've lived away from home, in another state, since moving away for college at 18. For a physical health reason, I had to spend half a year at home as a 20-21 year old. Having been used to my independence, there was definitely an adjustment period. However, I've found that being assertive of your independence and communicating with them is very important. I knew they wanted me back home before midnight, and would stay up until I came back. I knew they didn't want me to go to bars because they feared I wouldn't have a DD. The list goes on, really. For my curfew, I told them.. I understand why you don't want me staying out all night. But you don't have to worry. If you want me to message you once every hour (or however often), I can do that if it lessens your worrying.. but I am not going to be home tonight. I will be home for breakfast (you better show up for breakfast). For the drinking at bars, I told them.. my best friend is driving our friends. She doesn't drink. They personally know this person, and trust that we are both telling the truth. They also worried about my own drinking.. so I took my dad out to the bars. My dad and I were equally drunk, and I took the initiatives to get food and water, as well as a safe ride home.. while keeping in touch with my mom. The next weekend, I took my mom out to some wineries. After three glasses, my mom was drunk as fuck (lol). I told her, we don't need a cab.. two glasses of wine for me is under the legal limit, and I know I can drive us back safely. So I only drank two glasses of wine, sipped on juice at the third winery, and got my drunk af mom back home safely. I have also openly told them about planning to spend nights at friends' places because I know I'm going to be drinking a large amount. When I told them I've been dating, they said all that HIV/AIDs crap. I told them I know how to get tested and practice safety, etc. The driving thing is interesting, and could be a lot of things not related to you. You might be a bad driver (idk) and they fear for your safety. You might be a great driver, and they fear other drivers (more likely). Do they pay for your insurance? They might be concerned about their liability. My parents never had issues with my driving, but after being involved in two accidents where the other party was at fault.. they've gotten more antsy. You need to work for your independence, since unlike me you have yet to claim it. Just remember you are an adult, and can make adult decisions. However, you have to prove to your parents that you are an adult before they'll let go of you. TBH, the last step of adulthood is accepting that you have successfully raised an adult.. and it's time to let them go. The first step of adulthood is convincing your parents that you're a capable adult. That starts with communication.
