Confused and Feeling to sick to eat (rejection?)

I have a bad situation and mostly I want to just talk about it and stop feeling like this. I feel so so so shitty. And its because of my best friend.

I know what you guys are thinking, someone in love with their best friend again. And yes I am, but this guy has to top all confusing stories.

1. we touch each others dicks all the time, just lightly. But we are very touchy
2. we cuddle sometimes
3. he has stereotypically straight traights like playing and watching sports. But also he acts like a girl sometimes, he has lots of close girlfriends, and has a very dysfunctional relationship with his girlfriend, he likes girly drinks and music, and tv shows and is very focused on how he looks.
4. We kiss everytime we get drunk
5. One time when drunk he argued that he could have me in a second if he wanted.
6. We constantly joke about being in a relationship and fucking or whatnot

All these things aside we were never like lovers. We dont text that much and are not like thinking about eachother 24/7. But i still really wanted to get with him.

So the other night we get totally wasted just the two of us. he was talking about how he just trimmed his pubes a bit and i asked him to see and just went for it. I started unziping his pants slowly and he didnt stop me so i pulled his dick out. He put it back but I could see he was semi-hard. This is so embarrassing to say but I was so drunk and horny so i just went for it. I took it out and started rubbing it a bit and he was becoming hard, but he was pushing me away and telling me to stop while uncontrollably laughing. I shouldve stopped I dont know why I couldnt. I asked him what he was afraid of and he just said hes not gay. I got upset and went to my room. He came up after me and was like we need to talk. He was extremely patronizing like hey dude its ok, nothings changed you are the same person to me, we are still bestfriends. Was totally not taken aback by what just happened, I was like dude you are so gay but told him to leave me alone. He still trying to talk to me but I feel so shitty and sick to my stomach.

I would be okay if he seemed straight but he just is so gay to me I dont know. I can take rejection, I have before. But this just feels like he took the high road above me. And feels like he is better and its so frustrating that he knows this about me but still denies it being true about him.

What do I do/What do i say to him. I feel so sick I just wish it never happened. Pls help
(PS nobody knows im bi or whatever I am, I dont even really know. Just that I feel terrible):icon_sad:

 

Thanks for your response. I know I should've stopped and I wish I did. He has just been leading me on for so long. I would sit down and talk with him but as I said I'm uncomfortable with him having the upper hand. I wish he would admit he has feelings for me and just isn't ready. I talked to him today and asked him to forget about it, and he said "yea man, it's no big deal". I think I wouldn't have trouble moving on but I hate that he would have this on me, especially because were in the same group of guy friends. I want to stay best friends but I don't want to spend my life desiring him while he will never want me. But at the same time I would love to have a relationship with him, and I don't want to miss out on that possibility. I know it sounds bad but I don't want to be gay unless he is.

 

Does any one else have any advice? Or opinions? I still feel sick to my stomach thinking about it. A little update: we are barely talking right now but that's not strange because we get pretty distant sometimes. But I kind of miss him this time