I never had a relationship. But I have other concerns.

Okay. So I am twenty six years old and never had a relationship and never dated. Also, I have never been with anyone sexually. I know for a fact I can please myself a lot better than a one night stand could. (A good sex toy for one. Besides, you are safer with yourself rather than with someone you don't know.) It satisfies me enough to keep myself sane with my sexual urges. I'm self sufficient that way so it works. So I have no interest is hooking up with anyone in the slightest as I would not like someone I don't know touching me in any sexual manner.

Anyway, I had recently come out to family and friends when I was twenty four. Now, the truth is I never had a relationship because I had other things on my mind. But I still wonder about it. I was bullied and ridiculed by students in elementary and high school. So after that, I retreated into myself at eighteen. I was shutdown from all the ridicule from the ones who bullied me. I couldn't trust people. So I had no friends. I focused on myself and I spent most of my time working being creative in computer tech, writing and drawing as I was never one to party, get drunk or do anything crazy. I think I have to thank my family for this. As my entire childhood was surrounded with people who drank and got violent. (My dad. But he will never admit to it because he's never wrong.) Ultimately, I just saw it all as rather unintelligent and never got into it. So I am an introverted person. Very much so.

I have seen my fair share of relationships. My mom's and my dad's. My sister's and that useless man who got her pregnant twice, did drugs and cheated. He was an absolute mess. And now there is my niece who is with a man who got her pregnant and was into doing drugs and cheated on her. But they were both doing it to each other I heard. In either case, I feel I have a lot of wisdom when it comes to relationships and what to avoid in a potential partner from just witnessing it all. I knew for a fact that I would not want to meet anyone at a bar or a club as that is just not for me. Basically, I looked at it this way, what you associate with is what you end up with in terms of interests that is. Ultimately, this is what made me shy away from considering a relationship. When I was young, I thought all relationships where like this.

So, that is my back story. I am going to LGBT meetings and socializing with other students at the university now and trying to make more friends for the past year. Also, I am trying to find hobbies that are not expensive. I have acquaintances who I talk to but that is about it. I have become better at opening up to other people. But I am by no means desperately looking for a relationship. I would like to one day, but I am not just going to get into a relationship just for the sake of being in one. It would be pointless. In fact, I have been so used to being by myself. If I happen to go crazy, I just go out to the gym sometimes just to get out of the house.

Now here are my concerns with regards to future relationships. I had been trying dating sites (OKC and Plenty of Fish. Also, I went on ####### and others just for amusement nothing more.) just out of curiosity for the past year and have come to realize it does not work. In fact, it's a waste of time. I can honestly say I don't think I'll meet anyone on them. Not even friends. So I deleted all of my accounts except one. Most of them don't even suit my standards where sex is concerned either. Plus, a lot of them are not even that good looking. But I am not looking for a cardboard cutout either. A good looking face will do.

Truthfully, I could never be involved with someone who had slept around or had casual sex like that. There would be no chance for someone who has had a history of that to be with me because their views would be different. It wouldn't matter if they were perfect in other ways. So, why date someone who is not compatible in that sense? It would just cause problems later down the road I find. That sort of compatibility is important to me. Feelings of inadequacy and whether you could trust that person or not is never nice. Also, I'd wonder if he would be bored with me sexually after having all that variety. Not that everyone who has a colorful sexual past is a liar, but that is how I would feel. Besides, a guy who had few sexual partners could easily cheat.

Also, let's not forget STD's or STI's. People will disagree with me and that's fine. But my belief is this: The more people you sleep with, the more risk you have of contracting something. It doesn't matter if you use protection. It doesn't prevent herpes which is something condoms don't protect against all the time. And plus, condoms do break. Those are a couple of reasons why I deem people who have one night stands and random sex partners they don't know as sort of moronic and also that's why there are more outbreaks of STD's and STI's. But hey, people have their own views. If they like it that's fine. It's like some guys saying they would never date a guy who had never sex. Same thing. Also, I find the term "virgin" not relevant to the timeline. That's another reason why I could never date someone who had a history of that. In actuality, If I were to be having sex with a guy with such a history, it would be like I was having sex with everyone the that guy ever had sex with indirectly and having sex with him would just feel cheap to me. So I just don't need the stress. I don't consider myself losing something. But I want the guy I date to have similar views to me.

I would not have problems if a guy has had a few relationships before me. But I will question his past relationships briefly and ask him to get tested if he had not. I would like to know who I am getting involved with. How could you have an honest relationship if there is no communication? And yes, his sexual past and how he views it is my business as I would be the one having sex with him and investing my emotions into that relationship. The past is not the past all the time and sometimes reflects one's future. But not all the time.


In a nutshell, I want stability in a relationship when that time comes and not with someone with a huge amount of baggage. I feel I am entitled to that. It is my preference. It is my right.

What do you think?

 

Well like I said, why be with someone who you is not compatible with you? That's like saying you should be able to date someone you aren't remotely attracted to. It just doesn't work. There are other people who think alike. Not everyone is into the same thing. That is what I'm getting at. I can probably accept it if someone has had a few one night stands, who had not been with a bunch of random guys indiscriminately and it was a few years ago. Fine. It if was recently, I wouldn't bother because it would show me a guy is more interested in sex than a relationship. But the reason why I bring this up mostly is due to the fact because of the online dating. I am thinking is this it? Is this what is out there? I have friends who are not like that at all. Also they don't agree with hookup culture either. But yeah, I can accept people who hookup if that is what they like. I just won't get involved with anyone like that. I look at it this way; it is my body and it is my choice. Point is, if I don't feel comfortable with what a guy does in his spare time, I shouldn't be obligated to show interest in him despite he shows interest in me.

I can see you are also older and you have done things differently. But there are people who desire the same things I do as do other guys my age. But it gets disheartening when all I have seen in gay culture is a lot of guys being focused on hookup culture. It's like that is all they represent. Nothing more.

Ultimately, I know for fact I will never conform to something like that.

---------- Post added 15th May 2016 at 06:17 PM ----------

The only one thing I don't understand is why people think someone is better than them when that person has different preferences? I'm not better than everyone else. Far from it in fact. I admit I have my own issues. But finally after leaving home, I could finally breath. I didn't have to look after people and I started to make friends with similar interests.

 

I am not looking for perfection. It doesn't exist. I'm just would like to meet a guy who I could relate to.

---------- Post added 15th May 2016 at 06:24 PM ----------

The majority of them are women. So, there aren't many guys there. The guys I do know are in a relationship.

 

And that's exactly what I'm looking for. I tried ******, but there isn't a lot in terms of events for lgbt members. I have also talked to support networks in Vancouver via email to see if a group would be willing to host events once in a while in where I live. The main center of attraction is Vancouver. I'd have to move or travel. I mean I would, but I don't have the money for that right now. For the most part, I tried online dating sites like ******. And the reason why I became disheartened is because yes, a lot of them are looking for a quick fix. I've had to deal with quite a few messages from guys asking to hookup even when I stated specifically in my profile otherwise. Not to sound judgemental, but the majority of those guys were losers.

I could probably accept a guy who had one night stands if I truly feel something is there. But if he's been with more people than he can count (Somewhere in double or triple digits.) or a guy has done that recently while getting to know me, especially if a guy did it out of the need for validation, then forget it. I've had enough insecurities in my life. I don't need anymore as I've had my fill and moved on from prior insecurities. So, I would be turned off instantly. :dry:

And you know what I have learned from observing people's relationships? That you can't expect to change them. They have to change themselves. My mother and sister both had the hero complex, so I know what I'm talking about. If a guy had been running around, and is used to it, I wouldn't be able to change someone like that who has different views. I've seen many people voice this exact same concern in other forums about their significant others has a past of that, and people who are like that will just say you are not mature and grow up. But it's not about maturity. It's about being compatible and sharing the same views. I already said I'm not looking for perfection, but meeting with someone who is more or less on the same page.

But yes, those are good ideas. Except the chances of that were I live is few. All I can do is enjoy the hobbies I'm in and live my life for now. :icon_wink

 

I meant similar, not the exact same. But I'll be honest. No, I haven't ever been attracted or been in love. So, I don't understand on an emotional level. I never felt the need to at the time and I still don't. And you're right. I do date myself. I've been fine being single. But can you blame me for taking such an analytical approach after reading my back story? The truth is, I want to avoid people who are just that out there as it never did anything for me. My entire childhood revolved around alcoholism, drugs, violence and strained relationships because of it. I never saw the point as to why some people stayed together. Especially when they were mentally and physically abusive with one another. It was negative. So I just won't have it. I've already been through it. If I don't feel comfortable dating someone with such a colourful sexual history and if they were doing that recently while getting to know me, then I'm just not going to date them. I already said it's off putting and I stand by my decision. It won't work for me. When the opportunity comes around, I'll be vulnerable to the right person as I get to know them. Truth is, I don't want anything short term or something very unstable.

But tell me, what is a relationship without people who somewhat share similar ideologies or personality traits that are found attractive? What is the point of a relationship like that? That's like saying people should just get involved with someone for just the sake of a relationship. From my understanding, there are more positive relationships that tend to last longer when people have things in common that are positive just as there are negative ones.

---------- Post added 16th May 2016 at 05:58 PM ----------

I can't simply change that logical side of myself because it's all I ever had. My logistics tell me that if someone sleeps around, they are possibly more prone to disease and not the type to seek monogamy. Not everyone is like that, but it's how I perceive it. That is what would turn me off from that person. I just don't agree with it on a personal level in terms of how any future potential partners go.

 

Then I would accept it and move on. I mean in your case, say if your husband slept with lots of women, wouldn't that be off putting? Or do you not care about that? I feel I have learnt a lot and I'm not just going to settle and say "Well... My boyfriend slept around. But it's okay we're in love. I'll just deal with it. " There are people who have these concerns when they are in a relationship with someone who has a history of that. People say the past is the past. But I don't buy it. What I'm saying is that I'm not into dating a guys who have screwed with a bunch of various men. Even you stated your own standards.

---------- Post added 17th May 2016 at 04:56 PM ----------

I'm not trying to make an actual checklist. Yes, I will make mistakes. I'm not perfect. I'm not asking for perfection as I said in previous posts. That's not my point. I'm saying I'm just not into guys who have sordid past of sleeping around and if they are doing it recently. There are guys who think alike and prefer if their partner wasn't the type to do that. You have to think about that.

---------- Post added 17th May 2016 at 05:01 PM ----------

I'm fine with myself as I am and the standards I do have.

 

Thanks. I'm fine with myself. I believe I'll meet more decent guys in real life than I ever could online. It never did it for me. And I think this is where it comes from. As soon as I read that guys do threesomes, have lots of one night stands, I count them out.

 

I think my main point as to why I don't like guys who have slept around, or are currently sleeping around is because it's an unattractive trait in general and they just don't seem like relationship material to me. This is even after they have gone through that phase and got bored of it and are looking for a serious relationship. It just shows me they are not looking for a relationship. People are free to have different views as I mentioned. That's reality as everyone thinks differently. Not everyone may agree with me, and then there are some that do. It's all a matter of one's perspective and this is my own perspective on that subject.

Anyway, it's true I may not be convinced until I experience being involved with a guy who may have a past of that for myself. If I do. But I seriously hope not. Maybe I might change my perspective. But the truth is for a first relationship, I don't want to feel sexually inferior or deal with a guy who is so jaded when it comes to sex because he's had such an abundance of it. How would that make me feel good?

Thanks AKTodd, for the advice. I am trying to get a social group in my city set up via (meetup). Apparently, fifty or more people are interested in the possibility of setting up a Gay and Lesbian friends meetup. So, I'm going to see what I can do to push that along. To be honest, I think I'll be able meet better people than I ever could online.

 

It's not about experience, but views. Some view sex as casual, others don't and prefer it a relationship only. Some people who are relationship orientated only may be open minded and fine with it. Others not so much. Which obviously, you're not understanding. There are people much older than me that think that way. I've had conversations with friends about this, and they think the same way I do. I'm not the only one. So, it's not a matter of growing up. If there are people who are not into other people who have screwed around lots, then that's how it will be. It is their right to make that decision if they don't feel comfortable with someone who has a history of that. It's like you're saying I'll have just accept someone who slept around if I happen to meet someone like that. Well, maybe I just don't want to.

And sure the people on dating sites are people. But I'll be blunt, after using it for almost two years, the majority of them were all a waste of time. I'd have better chances offline.

Yes, I can be open minded and vulnerable to an extent. But I'm not going to be naive either. I wonder if you are beginning to take this personally?