I've been with my current girlfriend for 3 years (we're 17/18). Though she's 'out' to our friends and claims to have no issues with internalised homophobia, her actions seem to say otherwise. After 3 years, she still won't so much as stand close to me when we're around friends, on dates she will literally hide if we see anyone we know, or make me leave wherever we are (one time she hid behind a bucket of popcorn and made me leave the cinema several minutes after her, carrying the flowers I'd given her). And most crucially, she still won't tell her siblings, who she lives with (they're 11 and 14 and totally cool with LGBT+ stuff) that she's gay or with me - she says 'it's not important' to tell them. Consequently, although she's been totally accepted into my family circle, I'm left distant from hers, often with dates being cancelled and our time together being cut to ensure her siblings aren't 'suspicious' of us. She's even talked about being single with her little sister whilst I was sitting next to her. Our close friends are pretty much all queer, our environment is safe and accepting, her family are progressive... but there's still this roadblock. I know in part it's a reaction to people being 'weirded out' by our relationship early on and disliking it, our queer friends included, but that was over two years ago now are well... yeah. I don't want to push her out faster than she's comfortable, and I feel awful for her that she feels so nervous still, but after so long I'm a bit sad about still being a dirty secret. And I can't help feeling like maybe it's me - for all she's affectionate in private, I'm fairly andro, maybe she's ashamed, o she doesn't like me etc etc all that silly stuff. Whenever I try to bring this stuff up she diverts the topic, refusing to enter into it. Any ideas for how to talk to her about it without pressing her to do things she isnt comfortable with? (sorry, I guess that was kind of just a rant, huh? xp)
When you open the subject, have you tried talking about how all of this makes you feel? Her fear means she may not be able to see where you're coming from, so frame the conversation based on your feelings instead of hers. Tell her that you feel like a dirty secret, that you're left out, that you're not comfortable with her talking about being single in front of you (?!). How serious is your relationship? Is she prepared to think about the long-term like moving in together or marriage, or is that another topic that she avoids? Does she ever plan on coming out? You said her family is progressive, but is there anything there that says they might not be accepting? Some families can have a “It's okay...but not for you” mindset. Or are accepting only to a point. My brother is the “I have gay friends, but gay marriage is wrong” brand of tolerant, for instance. If her siblings are accepting, could she be afraid that they'd be bullied? It's important for her to be able to come out at her own pace, but it's not fair for you to be forced to sneak around when it's not necessary. You could start slow—go out to a place where you're not going to run into people that she's not out to. Maybe bring a “in the know” friend or two along. Let her practice being out. Hiding can become a habit that's hard to break.
