I have, for about two years, known that I am asexual. It's a fact that I've grown to accept about myself, and honestly, I am proud of who I am. Most of the time, this has little to no effect on my overall life, I don't really ever find myself where being ace is less than helpful, until now. At a school near me (as in, a five minute walk away near) there is a guy who I've been romantically attracted to for a little while. Just recently, I learned that he likes me back. That's all fun and great, and is the prime opportunity for a relationship, but of course it has to get complicated. There is one large problem that I can't figure out: I am very, very much asexual, and he very, very much is not. If there as ever a definition for allosexual it would probably be him, and if there was ever a definition of asexual it would probably be me. He has told me that he has had multiple sex partners, and that a lot of his relationships have been based around sexual acts. Now, being asexual, that's not something I want to do all the time, or any of the time really. He says that being with someone where sex isn't the first thing might be good for him, but I worry that it isn't something he'll like, or he'll start to feel frustrated with me. I don't know if a relationship between us will work because of this. I really want things to work, but I don't know if it can. Would it be able to work? Can an allo/ace relationship actually work? How can I proceed from here? :help: //allosexual is an umbrella term for anyone not on the asexual spectrum
In short, yes an allowed/ace romance can technically work. But. If your mate is very - shall we say - sexually needy, this will definitely cause issue later on. It would be best to discuss this with him now as opposed to then. Explain that you feel sex is not a priority for you and that if you two entered into a serious relationship, ask him if he could handle it always being this way? If not, you might need to let him go. Imagine how exhausting for you and him it would be to have to deal with the other extreme when it comes to sex. I'm not saying it cannot work, but based on what you described it seems unlikely. For this relationship to work, you both would need to come to a kind of compromise. He has sexual needs which must be filled, so there a few ways to address that (masturbation, occasional sex with you, an open relationship, etc). If it isn't addressed, he might become frustrated and be tempted to cheat on you. You on the other hand could be burned out and exhausted by filing more than you quota of sex, which could also put strain. My advice is to talk to your partner. Ask him what he thinks and both of you can decide if or how to compromise. A romantic relationship is certainly possible, and many couples have great relationships with low emphasis on sex. So just be open and explore your options. Cheers.
Update: He and I talked a while and some new things came to light. He told me that the reason he had been hesitant in being in a relationship with me was because of the fact that I am ace. He had come up with all of these excuses as to why we couldn't be together, and it turns out that he's hesitant because I'm asexual. In the two and some years that I have known that I am ace, I haven't been ashamed of who I am or actually want to not be ace. Being asexual has never been a draw back for me and I love my identity, but this has made me wish that I was allo. Romantic attraction is rare enough for me, much less having the person like me back, and the only reason this isn't working is because I was given a bad deal of cards in the world of sexual attraction. I don't know what to do now, and I feel a little hurt that he made up all of these excuses with the real reason being that I'm asexual. I'm even more confused than I was before, and add hurt/ashamed on top of that. Please help, any advice is appreciated.
You don't need to be ashamed of being yourself. There is nothing wrong in being asexual. That is how you identify yourself and that is what you are. You don't have to wish that you are a sexual person or anyone else just for some person. That isn't how it should be. Having said that, you said that person is very very sexual and that his expectations are different. Despite the fact that he said it'll do him good to be a person like you, given how he reacted when you spoke to him, I think it's best you try to find someone else who respects you for who you are and is willing to make the relationship work. That way neither you nor him will need to compromise. Being happy is the first important thing. You should be happy doing something. Don't feel ashamed. I understand you're hurt, but don't feel ashamed. You have no reason to feel so. Your expectations and needs are different from his and that's that. Nothing wrong in that. It's just that you and him were not meant to be in a relationship I think. That's all. That doesn't mean you can't find a more understanding person.. I'm sure you will. (*hug*)
