Hi I need some advice regarding a relationship. I just got done with freshman year of college and recently came out to myself as well as my family and some of my friends as gay about two months ago. I have cerebral palsy which directly effects my muscular movements and speech. Because of this, I don't feel like I could attract too many guys. There is one guy who is even more disabled than I am and we have been really good friends for four years. When I came out to him, he responded by saying that he was gay himself. I don't find him as attractive as I do to other guys but I find that I can get turned on by any guy (I am not turned on by girls in any way shape or form). We both are nerdy and like detective television shows. I am conflicted because I would like to be in a healthy relationship with another guy who I am physically attracted to at some point but at the same time I feel like this will be the only opportunity I have because of my limitations. I also feel empathy because my partner is even more disabled than I am and he does not have a great social circle. What should I do?
I feel like this is a sticky situation... Do you like being around him? Enjoy his personality, at least? This guy may like you a whole lot more than you like him, which is fine. But, you shouldn't ever go into relationships where you pity the person or just purely for the physical satisfaction. I mean you could, but don't hurt another person's feelings. I say, you two go on a date and see how it works out!
I don't think you should do anything. It is very obvious from your post that you do not have any romantic feelings for your friend and that he is not your type so I can't see how starting a relationship with him would be a good idea ? I can understand that due to your condition you may think you won't have much shot at love and therefore feel like it might be your only chance but let me tell you it's not. You don't love him and therefore won't gain anything out of that relationship and neither will he apart maybe a broken heart and a broken friendship. As your friend, don't you think he deserves better than being treated as second choice and being used as your security blanket in case you do not find better ? Don't you think you deserve better than treating yourself as someone worth of lesser than the rest of us ? You deserve to be with someone that you genuinely like and your friend deserve to be with someone that genuinely like him for who he is. It's true that disability+homosexuality is a tough combo and that your journey through love/relationship will most likely be harder than the one of the average straight (and non-disabled) guy BUT it doesn't mean it is impossible, you'll simply have to work harder. You need to start loving yourself more though and stop letting your disability define you and get in the way of your dreams. Having a disability is no excuse to play with people and use them though and definitely doesn't make it okay. I would suggest you forget the idea of starting a relationship with your friend and focus on meeting people that you could actually imagine being with. As you said your friend doesn't have a great social circle so I am sure he appreciates your friendship and would be happy remaining your friend.
Hi thank you guys for the feedback. It's not that I feel pity for him, I just have been to meetings and social gatherings for LGBTQ people and I just get the impression that part of the queer culture is having the "perfect" body. I apologize in advance if that offended anyone but that is just the general vibe I get. My other best friend is also gay but even though he was interested in me, I fell that he was unattractive physically but also did not have the type of personality that I am looking for whereas the guy that I am looking at right now has a great personality that I like. I also feel more emotionally invested in him than anybody I have met before. I was hoping that I could develop physical attraction after getting to know him better. I know it's never ok to play games and that is not my intention. I go to a liberal arts college and I met a lesbian professor who has cerebral palsy as well and she is in her forties and the only relationship she ever had with another woman was with her best friend that already had a partner but they all agreed to do a threesome. However, when her parents found out, they had to break the relationship off. Granted this is just one person and she never tried joining any dating sites or put herself out there but that kind of discouraged me. It's not that I don't feel worthy of love, I just feel like I can't be too picky because then I won't have any options. I also am really afraid of dying alone and not having this opportunity again.
Never settle. Evening you feel like you can't be too picky, it's just not true. You can be as picky as you want to be! There's literally billions of people on the planet. Even if only one I a million is what you're looking for, that's still a pretty large pool of potential. That said, there's nothing wrong with trying to date your friend if you actually like him. Physical attraction isn't always everything and I know a lot of couples, straight and gay, who were great friends first with seemingly no physical attraction to each other who ended up together. It happens. If you're interested in dating him because you really like him, that's totally okay. But if you're interested in dating him out of pity for him or fear of being alone for you, that is not the right reason.
I'd also suggest that if you guys do plan on dating, have an honest conversation about what will happen if things don't work out--are you both on the same page in terms of staying friends even if being romantically involved doesn't work out? I don't mean to make it sound fatalistic but it's good to communicate as openly as you can before you (possibly) decide to give things a shot.
So even though our relationship started out uneasy, I feel like we have gotten more emotionally involved and I feel more confident that this will last. I think it was the initial uncertainty of exploring my sexuality.
