1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Need Advice With Helping A Partner With Depression

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Mojan, May 20, 2016.

  1. Mojan

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2015
    Messages:
    44
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    London (UK)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    All but family
    Hey guys, I've been in a relationship with my partner for close to 5 months now. They have depression and its hard for both of us to cope at times when their down. Right now its worse than it ever has been during our relationship. I've decided to give them a bit of space but don know what else to do. They have self-harmed in the past but they say they won't do it again and they refuse to see any professional. Any advice?
     
  2. jmkfour

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 18, 2016
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sacramento
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    This is a though situation to be in. If the persons symptoms keep getting worse, there's only so much you an do to aid that person (unless your job is being a therapist).

    There's a lot of factors to consider. Based on what's been provided. I would suggest your partner seeing a therapist and getting help based on you telling me they've self harmed. This is coming from someone who went to the hospital recently because of suicide and was held against my will and was monitored (it saved my life). It seems so hopeless and it seems like no one can help. But the first thing that the person with depression can do get help sorting out what's going on with them. if the self harm is a form of relief, then they need to find out how to find alternatives and why they resort to it. If the self harm is with intent to die, then definitely they need professional help. im not sure why your partner refuses to see a professional. unless your partner has a will of iron, toughing out depression might not be the best thing.

    If the symptoms are getting worse, there's a good chance it will keep getting worse. It is incredibly difficult to be in a position where a friend or loved one is suffering from depression because there's only so much we can do to help. reassuring them things can get better, that its ok to ask for help is a start. But from what i've read, you might not be in a place to help support someone with a condition like this. im sorry if this wasn't very uplifting. I am speaking from my personal experience, leaving depression to resolve itself or pass is not likely to happen. It may subside, but it will crop up again if left untreated.
     
  3. sil

    sil
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 2, 2016
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Female
    Hello, Mojan. First of all, I’m sorry to hear that your partner is going through this, and hope they get better. I’ll try to help you from what I know.

    Thinking about it, I guess there are two things you can do for your partner: being there for them and try to convince them (in a very subtle way) to go to a therapist.
    I don’t know how much you know about depression… I’ll explain a little bit first so you can have an idea of what they are going through:

    People who are depressed can feel many things: loneliness, a disconnection from the rest of the world, sudden anger, sadness, despair, fear, anxiety, guilt, etc. There are times that they feel numb too; it’s like they feel a strong nothingness that takes over their body. When one person self-harms (but with no intention to kill themselves), I think there are two reasons for that: one is when they feel that painful nothingness, so they hurt themselves to feel something at least, something that can take them back to reality/life/feeling alive; the other one is when the bad feelings are so overwhelming that they can’t cope with that (so they try to reduce/release/take a break from emotional pain by feeling physical pain). On the other hand, a depressed person thinks of suicide as a way to stop the emotional pain and to stop whatever situation they are in (that they think that cannot be changed or that it will last forever).

    Back to the things you can do for them, one is to be there for them, which means: you are there by their side. They will want to hide in their room and not see anybody, but you go there anyway. You smile when you see them. You hug them when you can. You try to make them feel that they are not alone. When they are irritable or too sensitive, they can say to you things they don’t mean and that can hurt you but, usually, that’s the depression speaking. So, if that happens, try not to get mad and remember that they don’t mean what they said. I’m sure they’ll feel guilty about that later. It can be frustrating for you, but they need you to be patient. The same goes when they don’t want to do things or go out, or when it feels like they don’t want you around… Don’t let that make you think that you don’t matter to them or that they don’t want you or love you. And one last thing… People who are depressed usually feel that those around them don’t understand them, and they don’t usually talk about the way they feel because of some reasons like: they think they’ll be a bother to others (who wants to listen to sad stuff?); when they have talked about it with other people they have felt that the others don’t understand their problems and that makes them feel worse and frustrated, so they don’t see the point of telling other people; they think that, if they talk about it, the other people won’t want to be around them anymore; they think their feelings don’t matter to others or they feel ashamed, so they don’t want to let other people know; etc.

    If your partner talks to you about their feelings, be understanding and patient. You can think that their thoughts and feelings about some situations or the things that make them anxious are too exaggerated, but it’s not the same for them; they feel that their problems are high mountains that surround them and that they can’t get out of where they are. A depressed person can’t function like people who are not depressed, so people around them can’t expect them to face situations the same way a person without depression does.

    About going to a therapist… The reasons they refuse to go could be:
    - Uncertainty: they’ve never gone to a therapist before, so they don’t know how it’s going to be like, what the therapist is going to ask, if it’ll be too uncomfortable for them to open up and talk about their feelings and thoughts.
    - They convince themselves they can get over it by themselves, that the way they feel is not that extreme.
    - They feel anxious about the diagnosis. What if the therapist tells them they are “x” (introduce mental illness)? Or the other way around… They are feeling really bad, they can’t focus on their studies, they feel useless, and they think they have depression and that all this that is happening to them is because of this illness… But what if they go to a therapist and the therapist tells them they don’t have depression? Then, what is left? “That I’m really useless, lazy, antisocial, too dramatic” or whatever they think about themselves.
    - It could be economical reasons too… Thoughts like: “my parents can’t afford to send me to a therapist”, or “I don’t want them to pay”.
    - Etc.

    What can you do? Mmm, maybe try to talk to them (very calmly and patiently) about their reasons for not wanting to go, their fears. Tell them you can go with them and make them company in the waiting room before they go in. Tell them that they can go once and try, see what it is like to talk to a therapist, and that there is no pressure to keep going if they don’t like it... Depression is like any other illness. You go to a doctor when you have some physical pain, and this is just the same. Try to talk to them about that, that it’s alright to go to a therapist and that they are there for that. But, whatever you tell them, be calm and relaxed, do it in a casual way… Don’t make them feel pressured (if they feel anxious about the idea of going to a therapist). Talk about going to a therapist like a possibility that is there, something that it’s no big deal, that it could be helpful, so why not give it a try…

    Well, I hope this helps somehow. I spoke in general terms because you haven’t told us that much about their particular case, so I don’t know if this kind of answer is what you were expecting. But, as jmkfour says, it’s hard to be in your position. All I can say is: be patient, don’t pressure them, show your love for them every time you can, be there, and –this is very important for your relationship- remember that the way they behave is mostly controlled by their depression, so it’s not you, not them, it’s the illness. I’m telling you this in case you’ve ever felt as if they were pushing you away somehow...

    I hope everything gets better :icon_wink
     
  4. taken

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2015
    Messages:
    241
    Likes Received:
    17
    Location:
    Alabama
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I recently had to go thorough a suicide prevention class and actually learned a few things. (and I too have struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts) Since your partner is refusing to see a professional, try to be their accountability partner. Let them talk, cry, sit in silence, what ever they need. One thing they suggested was to kinda form a pact with them. Basically you tell them that you're there for them and you won't force them to do anything they don't want to do but in return they have to promise you that if they feel like they want to self harm, commit suicide, etc. they are to come to you instead and that you will be there 100% any time they need you. These are just words and actions so it doesn't mean they can't break that promise, but a lot of times if they have an accountability partner, they will seek your help and you can do what you see fit to save their life if needed.