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In A Long-Term Relationship But In Lust With Straight, Married Friend

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by GotLoveBug28, May 20, 2016.

  1. GotLoveBug28

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    Hello everyone,

    I'm a 40-something year man that has been in a relationship with a wonderful man for the past 9 years. The problems are we haven't had sex in over 3 years and he has gained a tremendous amount of weight. For a long time, I kept bringing up the sex issue with him and kept hearing the same thing: "If you want to just let me know". Since he has gained so much weight, I have lost all my physical attraction for him and have no desire to be intimate with him.

    I have explained to my partner that I have concerns about the weight issues. I, too, am overweight; but not like him. I, recently, have begun to exercise and eat an healthier diet. I've tried to encourage him to do this with me but he has no interest.

    The problem I am having is I have a straight buddy (who is married) and I want him soooooooooo bad. This man drives me crazy. He's so hot and sexual and I masturbate to him QUITE frequently. This man just makes me shake when I am near him. He's physically active and has a great body. I've told my buddy how I felt. We have "played around" lightly a few times but he insists he is straight. The last time we played around he let me suck his toes and fingers and even let me touch his beautiful penis. Afterwards, he insisted he was straight. I'm not one to force anyone to do anything so I backed off and continued our friendship as it was before we "got crazy".

    I realize my buddy and I could never be. He is married and I'm in a relationship. I love my partner but the passion is gone. I see him more as my best-friend. He's so supportive and loving; but I can't get the attraction back that I had for him.

    I think if I stopped lusting over my buddy, maybe I could get my relationship back on track. I think about my buddy everyday. When we hangout or go exercise together, I just want to do things to him that I would never do to another man. He knows how I feel because I have been very honest about it.

    How do I get over these feelings for my friend? Also, how do I get the passion back for my partner? I think we are headed for breaksville because I have already started looking at other places to live. I do love him. Not sure if that will be enough.
     
  2. Gravity

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    Short version of the story - you need to deal with your own relationship first, and respect your friend's relationship (even if he isn't respecting it).

    Longer version of the story:

    It sounds like the root of the issue for you is what's happening in your relationship. There are always other people around, sometimes attractive, sometimes friends of ours even. But we wouldn't be looking elsewhere if we were finding what we need with what we've got. It also sounds like you and your partner are at a bit of a crossroads, and feeling very differently about yourselves and where you are in life - his comment on "let me know if you want to have sex" is very telling. Why wouldn't he do the same? What about his own feelings/desires? My guess is that he is not very happy where he is right now.

    As for your friend, assuming that what the two of you are doing isn't something your partners would want to have happen, it sounds like you two have already crossed an important line. This may be understandable given your situation (and you don't say anything about his marriage), but I think it's important for you to stop and take stock of what's going on and why.

    I would try to distance yourself from your friend - or at least make sure you aren't hanging out alone with him - and in the meantime, come clean to your partner, have an honest conversation about what this is all going to mean for you in the relationship, and - if I'm right about him being in a particularly rough place right now - perhaps gently suggest that he seek out some counseling.

    Nine years is a long time, and you guys didn't get here for no reason. It sounds like you're willing to put some effort into yourself and changing (hence working out). If he is too, great - there's likely a lot to salvage here (again, nine years' worth). Make sure you've explored every option first - and if it doesn't work out, then you need to decide if this is a relationship that needs to make it to ten years or not.
     
  3. CameOutSwinging

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    I agree. I don't think the problem is your straight buddy. If it wasn't him, it would be somebody else grabbing your attention. The problem is in your relationship. Given how long you've been together and the love you seem to still have, it's worth really talking to your partner and telling him how unhappy you are. If he's not willing to do any work, be it counseling or starting to exercise and make himself more desirable (somebody not taking care of themself is not desirable), then perhaps you need to consider ending things.
     
  4. GotLoveBug28

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    Thanks to the both of you for the advice. I agree with you. I need to stay away from my buddy. The attraction is too strong. I really want that man. I really do; but my heart is at home. Always have been. Just can't seem to get the passion back. We've traveled to various countries for vacations and nothing happened. Nothing. I don't even try anymore. I feel like an old couple that just live together for the companionship. That's not what I wanted. In the beginning things were great. When we moved in together things got stale very fast.

    Anyway, thanks for taking the time to respond. I'm not sure if I'm ready to give up. Some days I feel like I want to work things out and others I am ready to leave. One thing for sure, I need to stop this lusting for my friend. That will get me hurt and nothing more.
     
  5. CameOutSwinging

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    Only distancing yourself from your friend is only taking Advil for the pain in your broken arm. You need to go see the doctor and have the arm fixed. You have to tackle your relationship problems from within, with your partner. Otherwise it won't be long before married straight friend is replaced by another married straight friend, or single gay friend, or any number of guys who you just feel drawn to because it's easy to feel that way when you're unsatisfied at home.
     
  6. GotLoveBug28

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    I've been working on my relationship and am doing my best to make things better on my end. But I have a serious problem. I can't stop thinking about my friend. I force myself not to contact him. I, still, fantasize about him. I think about him all day long. I've been initiating things with my partner. Being more affectionate. Kissing more. Everything I can to try and bring back the passion we once had. But in my soul, I want my friend. This is not good. Any suggestions on how to get the passion back? The truth to the matter is he's never been a very sexual person. I knew this going in, but in the beginning we were like rabbits like most couples. Now it's been over 3 years since we have been intimate. As good friend suggested that I face the fact that maybe we are better off as friends. We were the best of friends before we became lovers. I thought being friends first make the best relationships.
     
  7. resu

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    You should really consider counseling, either with or without your partner. It sounds like whatever you two are doing right now is not working, and the 3 years of no intimacy is like a chronic symptom of the problem than may head toward "irreconcilable differences".

    It could be you two moved in together too soon that you became like close roommates. Why did your partner get so quickly overweight? That sounds unhealthy for him, besides the fact he became less physically attractive to you. Conversely, [how] did you avoid gaining weight yourself? It could be that with a little more effort from you and your partner, you could reignite that passion, which would in turn diminish feelings of temptation.