First EC post here so hi everyone (*hug*) I'm looking for some advice on my current situation with this guy. Basically, we've now been dating for about 4 weeks. Everyone has been asking if we are 'official' (including him, he definitely wants to) and although part of me wants to say yes, I'm really not sure on my feelings towards him. We first met at a mutual friends party and we hit things off pretty strongly. We got on really well, and I ended up spending the night at his (nothing more than cuddling/,kissing happened, don't worry). The first week or so he seemed perfect, and on the surface he still does. I was really attracted to him, his appearance and personality. He obviously cares about me a lot, he is always messaging me making sure I'm okay and always reassures me that he's there if I ever need to talk. My friends have told me that he's had good things to say about me and he's respectful of boundaries too. However, from around 2-3 weeks in to now, I have been having doubts. For a number reasons - he is smaller than me (I never usually go for anyone smaller than me, I prefer taller guys), he seems really outgoing around friends but then shy and cautious around me, when he's nice it often seems like he's forcing it to please me and I wish he'd be more assertive. And because he's integrated into the same friend circle as I am, he often seems like more of a friend than a partner. I feel really confused. I should be completely going for it - finally having a guy who actually cares about me and really likes me, yet I'm pushing him away and not feeling the attraction as much as I should. I had a talk with him a couple of days ago, and basically told him I'm unsure if I want a relationship or just friends (yet made sure to tell him I'm in no way am I dismissing the idea of a relationship with him). I said I will need more time, and he was really nice about it and said he'll give me as much time as I need and go with whatever. Although it was a short-term relief, having that conversation hasn't helped much in giving any clarity. It's worth mentioning that, before I met him, I was speaking to another guy (let's call him Joe) for about a week before. We hadn't met yet, and I was so happy about this guy I'm dating now that I dismissed Joe. However, he messaged me around a week ago and we've had a few conversations since then. He wants to meet me and I would like to, in order to see if I should go for Joe or stick with the guy I'm dating now. I'd maybe end up feeling guilty though, hmm. Any thoughts/opinions or even reassurance would be greatly appreciated! What if I decide to be friends and then regret it? Or decide to continue as a couple and feel the same and end up feeling even more confused and guilty? Should I meet the other guy to see how I feel or? Thanks for any advice ☺
It sounds like you are finding reasons to create distance, but some of them sound insignificant (like height). Maybe you like the idea of being pursued than a "best-friend-turned-partner", and maybe you felt disappointed when he was his regular positive self when you said you were unsure. Overall, it could be just your own sense of identity (e.g. like wanting an assertive partner) and [dis]comfort. I do think that the situation with Joe is coloring your viewpoint. You have to be honest with yourself: did you get into a relationship with the current guy as kind of a "second choice" to the potential one with Joe? Could it be that you are comparing him and Joe, perhaps unfairly (i.e. you may not know Joe well)? Ultimately, you should just be treat the guy you are dating now with common decency. If you don't want an exclusive relationship at this time (the chance to go on a date with Joe), then say so. In an ideal world, you could tell the current guy about your interest in someone else and he would be an adult and know maybe you will choose Joe. Only you know how he will handle the real truth, and you may have to just give another reason if you want to end this. Don't think how many weeks you have been dating. Ask yourself if you feel this relationship is working for you right now (i.e. is it worthwhile to maintain it in the future) and what would be the "opportunity cost" of not going out with Joe (maybe even one date with him would help you decide if he was worth pursuing).
