Relationship issues due to closeted situation or is it more than that? Advice needed

Hi,

I'm new here, nice to meet you all!

I'm looking for some other gay people's perspectives, apologies for the essay in advance.

I'm an immigrant to Canada from Europe and don't have many close gay friends or many gay friends for that matter, or any family / a support network here. I'm not really into the gay scene and also, would feel like I was betraying my girlfriend to talk about these personal things about her and our relationship with people she doesn't know but may meet in the future, so I'll post it here anonymously instead!

I'm 34 and have been out to my parents since I was 18, I'm now out to friends and am selectively out to others - once I get to know someone, I'll make a call whether / when to tell them, and some people know at work but I don't make a point of broadcasting it. Part of the reason I moved to Vancouver, BC was to feel more comfortable in myself and be able to be myself in a more forward thinking, progressive and accepting place than the very religious, traditional and sexist country I'm originally from.

Anyway, I've lived here a number of years and likely will settle here. I've been with my Canadian girlfriend for just over 6 months now. She's 29, so there's a 5.5 year age gap. That doesn't bother me but I do wonder about the differences in our stages of life more so than the age gap (which isn't much anyway). And more importantly, I wonder how some of these things may be affecting the relationship negatively now and/or will in the future. I think to myself if we didn't have these obstacles that 'normal' straight couples don't have to go through, would we still have as many ups and downs, and tension. I know fights are healthy and normal and how you resolve them is what's important - communication, compromise, a desire to get back to a good place quickly and not intentionally hurt eachother or prolong pain unnecessarily. But some issues seem to come up again and again, and may not have a mutually satisfactory resolution.

Here's the situation:

- I'm mainly out, as above. She's only out to 3 close friends and 1 gay friend/acquaintence. Her family does not know or even if they may suspect something, it hasn't come up and she does not plan to tell them yet.
- I've lived away from home for years and live by myself/ support myself independently. I love my family very much and keep in regular contact, we have a good and close relationship but I live in a different country and am financially independent. She still lives with her parents in the family home and is somewhat dependent on them. She doesn't seem to have a close emotional relationship with them, I definitely discuss things going on in my life a lot more with my family than she does. Whereas she seems to mainly talk about work/career and things like finances/investment advice with her parents. For some additional context, she has 1 older brother about my age that is straight and married, and she is the youngest and only girl in the family. Her parents are both immigrants to Canada, here about 30 years and she was born here. They are religious and she said that while she doesn't believe they're homophobic, they have 'their beliefs'
- We're quite similar and very compatible. Without sounding like a silly in love teenager, I can honestly say I've never had a connection like this with someone ever before, and she says the same thing. We have the same values, morals, we have an intellectual, emotional and physical connection, we're both looking for the same things in a long term relationship and partner, we're professional, hold ourselves to high standards etc.

My concerns are this...
- She's just about to finish a very intense study and exam period, so she's been working up to this since the start of our relationship and even left her job to focus 100% on that more recently. As such, she hasn't had much free time so we've only spent 1 day a week together - Saturday's or sometimes once every 2 weeks. I've tried my best to be supportive and patient during this time but she is very, very stressed now as she was unsuccessful in this exam last year and really can't progress in her career (and as a result, in life) until she gets this designation. I haven't seen her in 3 weeks now and while she usually contacts me more - regular text messages and almost daily calls, I feel very lonely and isolated at the moment. I don't know how I can even 'be there' for her when we don't see eachother and she wants to limit contact during this period. My understanding / own opinion is that you would want/need to talk to your partner, even briefly, while going through things like this but she says she wants to be left completely alone and even has banned her parents from asking about the study/exams.
- I would want/need to see my partner every week, ideally a number of times a week. Say at the weekend, sometimes both days, sometimes one day, and maybe 1-2 times during the week. So let's average it out at 2-3 times a week. I understand she's almost done exams and has had a busy and intense period but I worry that she doesn't seem to want/need to see me as much. We talked about seeing eachother more and I am optimistic that this will happen soon, after her exams. Time will tell. However, she does have a demanding occupation (so do I but not as fiercely competitive or as many long hours/crazy busy seasons). I just hope that it won't be another excuse next, i.e. When exams are over.
- We didn't rush into things, we took time to get to know eachother at a good pace. She said she loved me a few months ago and I said it back because it's true and I had been thinking it/ about to burst also at that time. However, she's only spent the night with me once, on New Year's Eve. Given that we've been together 6 months and intimate with eachother every time we see eachother since about 5 weeks in, this does hurt me. I think staying the night/ falling asleep together and waking up together, having morning sex, or even just cuddles, getting breakfast or brunch together and enjoying the next day with eachother is bliss, one of the best parts. This has caused tension because who likes to have sex and then have the other person leave shortly after (in a serious/long term relationship.) I try to be patient as she tells me the reason is her parents and she has to go home, doesn't want to cause suspicion but I can't fully understand this. She's 29 and surely can have her own life, say she is staying with a friend etc.?
- We've never been away together, even for a long weekend. I was offered the use of a family beach house in South California and invited her along, initially she was glad/excited I asked her but when it came to planning it, she asked if I could change the date to after her exams so I did but then when she realized that it would be 5 days after her exams, she said it was too close to the finish and she didn't want to go as she would be thinking about it and it would distract her from the exams. This hurt me because as far as I was concerned she just had to pack a suitcase. I offered to pay for flights, and a rental car, the accommodation is free and she could come as long or as short as she wanted - the full week or say 2-3 nights. I said I'd pick her up from the airport but she said she didn't want to fly alone and wanted more time to prep for the trip after her exams as it was our first trip away together as a couple and she'd want to prep some girly things... Anyway, long story short, I couldn't change the dates again so I'm going by myself as honestly I need the vacation, haven't had one in 2 years. When she heard I was still going and would be away for her birthday she got mad at me. I explained that she could still come, even for part of the trip, and we could celebrate her birthday during it, or else if she couldn't / wouldn't come we could celebrate it before or after the trip. But she still seemed unhappy. I think part of the reason is her parents again but sometimes I don't know if the being in the closet thing is a legitimate excuse for these issues we have, or just a way to deflect things and maybe I'm a fool and she's just not into me as much as I am into her / invested as much in the relationship.
- I have only been introduced to one of her friends (the gay one) so far and none of the others... And I'm not sure I want to meet her parents under a false pretense (though I'm not sure if/when she would introduce us either). I've introduced her to my close friends, and a cousin that was visiting. I'd introduce her to my parents and sister if they lived here but I talk about her to them often... They know of her existence and know she's important to me.
- We're both out of 8 year long relationships since last year (both with women, we're both gay and have never slept with men) but again, hers was a secret and mine was open. I moved to Canada with my ex and we lived together, shared household expenses, bank accounts, rent and responsibilities, and were listed on each other's life insurance, health benefits etc. She and her ex both lived at home and were/are both in the closet. She would stay over at her ex's for a brief period when the ex moved out of home, but not every weekend. They would go away for weekends away sometimes but their first long vacation together (2 weeks) was toward the end of the relationship. I.e. After almost 8 years. I want to be able to go on vacations and weekends away freely with my partner without stress, worries or lies. I also worry about her not wanting to list me on her work health benefits etc., or list us as a couple on things for fear of being outed in the future. She's very cautious about her career and does not want anyone in her job/industry to know she's gay.
- She's also quite private so doesn't even like me telling people she's studying for exams right now. I try to respect her wishes and privacy but then I find it hard as I need to communicate my thoughts and feelings and want to explain to friends why I haven't seen my girlfriend in weeks
- I have picked her up from her house once so in case anyone thinks she's living a double life and is married, that's not the case (though trust me I had these thoughts / worries at the start).
- I worry about the future... What about moving in together at some point, involving eachother in every aspect of our lives, family events, loss/traumas, marriage etc.
- If she's that in the closet and can't / won't come out, I worry she'll just decided it would be easier to marry a man someday

I'm trying to be very empathetic and understanding about her still being in the closet and the last thing I would want her to feel is pressure from me to come out, as that's a very personal decision. However, I am struggling with the above areas and the fact that I feel boxed into one area of her life, not really involved in others. So it can feel like she has me / sees me when she wants, and I feel like I'm risking a lot more / opening up more and am more vulnerable. I hate lying or being involved in lies and I don't like feeling like a secret relationship/ affair. I want to grow our relationship, feel like we're moving forward and evolving, and involve her in every aspect of my life - my friends, meet my family, etc. We're both strong people, and are introverts so need our alone time and we both want healthy, non co-dependent relationships but sometimes I feel like I'm having a long distance relationship with someone that lives in the same city as me.

She has said that she wants to be successful in her exams, then get a new job/ more senior position, then move out and THEN tell her parents. I understand that she wants to be out of the house and independent before telling them but I worry that she may decide not to move out for a while and even then may just not tell them. She says she wants to in the future as she feels like all the lies are toxic and its not a healthy way to live but I don't know if this will take a year, two years or many years. And perhaps of her parents do react very negatively it could be very hard for her and us if she doesn't have a relationship with them then or they cut her off.

I love her and want to be with her, and therefore, should be patient, understanding and accept her / her life and situation as how it is but I still want the opportunity to grow and develop a relationship like everyone else and I fear all these obstacles may destroy it.

Please help :/