Alright... This is going to be a bit of a long story (sorry!), so I'll start from the beginning. The first two paragraphs are really a background summary, you can skip them if you like. About 18 months ago, I was hanging out in an online RP room with some friends when a girl joins - I'm going to call her Emma. Because of the character that I had, she got kind of attached to me in that casual way that you do get attached to strangers online (because we had very similar likes and dislikes in terms of pop culture and all, as we found when we casually discussed it). As I've always been the "second best" of practically every friend in real life, I'll admit that I was pretty flattered by the attention. Our personalities are practically opposite, but in such a way that we can still relate to and sympathise with one another, so it seemed like a pretty good match for a friendship. The friends that I mentioned earlier all had a group chat on Skype, so I invited Emma to join, and pretty soon we were talking privately as well as with the others. **I'm just going to interrupt here to say that yes, we are online friends (we live in different countries and so have never met in real life) but I know for a fact that she isn't a serial killer. We have video-chatted a few times before, we're friends on Facebook etc... We're a very similar age, too - I'm only 6 months older than her.** We started to hang out a LOT, we'd talk literally every day, and I'd often stay awake until the early hours to talk to her. There was a lot of casual flirting (on her part, because I had a girlfriend at this point) and I wasn't bothered by said flirting, although if it was anybody else it probably would have made me uncomfortable. We also spoke about actual problems in our lives (the "deep stuff", if you will) and I realised that I "liked" her. We almost started to behave like a couple, with our daily conversations and she actually got possessive of me, and let me just say that if it was anyone else I'd have been a lot more annoyed than I was, although I did talk to her about it and she laid off. This is where it gets messy: not long after I realised that I liked her, I worked up the nerve to confess (let me just state: I NEVER cheated on my girlfriend, unless you count having feelings for somebody else as cheating) and Emma told me that she "liked" me, too. However, she also liked some other guy (I'll call him James) who she'd known for much longer, and she said that she'd never liked a girl before me and wasn't sure what to do. Because we hadn't met in real life, neither of us suggested any sort of relationship, although I did break up with my girlfriend (it was mostly unrelated, actually) and things continued as normal for a while - we were watching TV shows together through screen-sharing apps and we still talked a lot, although never about "it". And then she got together with James. She told me that she was really sorry, that he'd finally asked her out after apparently not being interested in her like that, and I told her it was okay although obviously I was pretty upset. So I distanced myself from her, not talking to her as often (I'd left the RP chat-room by this time because I'd kind of lost interest, but I kept in contact with everyone from it) as a way to avoid further upset, I guess, and she didn't really chase after me or anything. After a while we resumed our contact, and started hanging out together again although neither of us spoke about James or any of it, it was just like being casual friends. We slipped in and out of contact, and I have no idea where we stand now. Now, we are talking to each other occasionally and casually: we don't avoid each other, but we don't really hang out together and when we do talk it's friendly, but nothing more than friendly affection. I have no idea if she's still with James and I can't really bring it up in casual conversation due to our history. I'm a little worried that she's moved on from me... I don't even know what I want out of this whole thing. I mean, I like her, but I don't want to be in an online relationship. I don't know if she's still interested in me, or really in girls at all. As I said, our conversations have become less frequent and more casual, so we hardly ever talk about serious things. Thank you to anybody who actually read this whole thing! I suppose my questions are as follows: 1) What do you think I should do? 2) How do I find out if she and James are still together without sounding desperate? Another friend suggested casually asking but I can't seem to find an opening. 3) Literally anything. Please help.
So, I am not the only person that makes novels! :icon_wink I would think, that yes, you need to find out the info about James. For closure on many levels. Your closure... Closure with her... Closure with the friendship before and after, and closure for the now friendship she has with you. You may not be as close or even talk about things like you used to, but still it's too hard to maintain a friendship without some knowledge of their current life. It wouldn't be sounding desperate, honestly. You could've asked out of morbid curiosity or maybe he's treating her badly and you just happened to notice she seemed down. But, if you don't at least ask her it will keep bugging you. It could get to the point that all you can think about when you are conversing with her is James. Now with that said... I guess I'm not really suggesting that you flat out ask. I mean, almost like your other friend, casually bring it up. For instance you have a friend at school that is having issues with her boyfriend because he's becoming really controlling "Hey, I have a friend in school her boyfriend has become very controlling lately. Been real bad, it got me thinking. What about you, how are things with James?" After watching a movie or tv show "Aww~I really like how their relationship is and they are really cute together too. Hey, you know... Come to think of it, I don't think you've said anything. And for the life of me, I have no idea why, but I've not asked you about it. But, how are you and James?" See, neither scenario makes you sound desperate. It really just is casually bringing it up almost as though you've given it no thought till the moment you bring it up. You still show that you care about the friendship, but not so much that you are hung up on her or the conversation of liking her. You've stated in some ways you've drifted so I'm sure that she wouldn't think that you were. As for, Emma, well... Because she know's about your sexuality it could have been a confusion moment on her part. I don't mean to sound as though I am trying to sway you from her. But, that has happened to me. Where we just clicked so well together and that they knew I was gay it caused them to wonder if their liking me was more than just friends. Especially, when it got personal. Do, you know what I mean. It wasn't that either one of us tried or meant to lead the other on, it just happened. I remember telling him at one point that I wished I could find a guy like him and he said that I didn't have to look. Implying that he liked me. Later, when we talked about it again. He told me that he was 90% straight and only 10% gay, so he couldn't even say he was bi, and that he wanted to make sure I knew nothing could happen... That we were just friends... We might be very close friends and knew things about one another that made it comfortable for us not to feel weird or talk about the deep stuff but either way, we could only be friends. I'm still friends with him! I haven't talked to him in a long time recently, but he kinda vanished. His father went through a transplant for both lungs and it didn't take had to go for another set of lungs to be transplanted, that was the last time I talked to him. I sometimes wonder if it was due to his father. Maybe he didn't make it. Anyways... So, back to Emma. That could be like her. I mean, it could be that she also is just dealing on her own as well, with her own sexuality. You've already stated it's an online friendship, so I would assume that there is some distance there. So, it could be the same for her. Maybe she doesn't want an online relationship either. I know it's kinda like :bang: and doesn't really give you an answer. But, you know what it's like trying to find yourself and your sexuality. So, maybe if in person that might change, for both of you, but for the moment it's online. You have clarity in one way. She told you she liked you and she still talks to you. So ask yourself this, is it enough? Is just being friends with her online enough?
Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to reply! I do accidently write a lot, trying to get all of the details in. Those are actually really good ideas, thank you! I'm not exactly skilled socially, so I always put off asking because I'm worried of how it will come across. But if I just mentioned it like I'd given it no thought it would be a lot easier to do, I think. I'm also just slightly worried about asking in case they've broken up and it's a sore subject, but again, just a casual mention should make it less awkward. My other friend also reckoned that I wouldn't come across as desparate, and you're right, I do need the closure even if I have no intention of being in an online relationship. We live an ocean apart so the only way we stand a chance of meeting in real life is by doing some serious travelling with a lot of money. I know exactly what you mean about Emma, I have also wondered that myself. I mean, sometimes she'll call other girls hot but I don't know what she means by that, so it's kind of confusing. When she first started dating James I was annoyed at her, because I felt like I'd been led on, but in hindsight it wasn't really her fault. I don't even know if she identifies as straight or bisexual or what, I'm too worried to ask in case she thinks I have an ulterior motive, you know? Oh, I'm really sorry to hear that. I hope you two manage to get in contact soon, because that sounds like a really nice friendship. It looks like we're sort of in a similar situation. I hope his Dad is okay! Yeah, exactly. Even if we lived in the same country, it's not something I'd want. I mean, sure, it works out for plenty of people, but it's just not something I would do (although I think she would). I guess it has to be enough, really, I mean, there isn't much else we can do, all things considered. Thank you very much for your answer, it's certainly given me things to think about!
