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Fatherly dick move at graduation.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by MtnFr3sh, May 28, 2016.

  1. MtnFr3sh

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    Little background:
    My father is the typical deadbeat. Dodges child support payments, spousal support, healthcare expenses (agreed on in the divorce order) He has done everything possible to make my mothers life a living hell. By doing so, he screwed up mine and made it difficult for me.

    He's been in and out of my life more times than I can count. Last time I saw him was at my grandmother's funeral in Minnesota. Even then I didn't speak to him and my aunt (his sister in law) defended me and said I didn't want to talk.

    He's dodged so much that he owes us we can barely afford groceries right now. I can't understand it. Last time he came to anything was when I became a boyscout after cubscouts (that lasted a few months) I haven't actually been around him log enough tot alk in I don't know how many years, I can't remember.

    He's remarries several times amd is currently married to somebody witth two step-daughters

    Fast forward:

    Last night was my highschool graduation. I'm all emotional because my aunts on my mom's side are there, my friends are valedictorian and salutatorian, my other friend spoke about turning our tassels.

    We throw our caps after our alma-matter (school song) and We turn to leave out the back of the Colosseum the school rents from a University a couple towns over that's always packed. I'm walking out with a couple friends hugging on them.

    The exit goes straight outside, and guess what I see.

    I see my father. Standing there. Recording with his phone. He goes "Hey, (my name)! and waves at me. I notice him, and every bit of joy from the night drains away in that moment and I pause for a moment and walk off. Not saying a word to him, right past him, within 3 feet of him avoiding eye contact. He calls after me but I keep walking. I find another one of my friends and she's emotional for regular reasons. I say to her "Anna, my dad showed up..." She kinda gasps because all of my friends know our shitty relationship and tells me to relax, that I'm just walking a lady to the women's room. In a moment, I split off and step away from the crowd gathering outside and lean against the wall and just start sobbing. like What gives him the right to show up. What gives him the right to be there after the hell he's but us through for 18 years. How can he just stand there smiling away and expect me to even speak to him?! I see one of my favorite teachers in the crowd and I scramble to get to her because I have no idea what else to do. My mom's still inside stuck in the crowd. My father definitely knew this would happen, he didn't want to run into her so he camped out by the exit. I run to me teacher and hug her with tears in my eyes, she doesn't know what's wrong.I tell her, at first she's happy thinking it's a good thing, then I shake my head and she tells me to cheer up because we're supposed to be happy right now... It's difficult.

    I stand there in the sea of people, feeling so lost and alone when I see my mom coming down the steps. I run to her and hug her, she doesn't know yet so I tell her, she's reacting, she's worried, mad. "Where?!" She says. I point to where we came out but he's long gone by now. I'm sobbing and she's apologizing saying she wishes she was there because she knows how hard that is. She said if she was there she would've gotten violent and I thank her for that. Because before graduation, the thought of him showing up occurred to both of us, and I said if I saw him I'd probably kick him in the balls. But in that moment, I was more shocked than anything and the only thought in my mind was "Get away from him... now..."

    We go to the car, take a couple pictures with friends along the way and I'm fighting the urge to cry. I'm trying to stop but it's difficult.

    My mom drives us home the end.

    I don't know what to do because I still feel depressed and betrayed because it's like what kind of piece of :***: had the nerve to show up and act like he's responsible for raising me and has the right to film me walking out with my National Honor Society stole and all my graduation cords like so he can show his friends and be like 'yeah that's MY son'

    If I hadn't been in such shock I would have said two words. :***: you and walked off.

    I don't know how to cope with this shit right now along with the end of my highschool career, there's so many people I'll never see again, and then this shit happens.

    Help me please.
     
  2. faustian1

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    I'd be curious to know if your father is a drunk or a drug user--the actions you describe fit that kind of personality.

    You've made the decision to not be subjected to his drama. That is something you should be proud of. Your reaction was anger, not something worse like feeling it was your fault. Surely some of your friends understand, because at least one of them is the child of a divorce, and possibly one that didn't go that well.

    You graduated. No one can take that recognition of your hard work away from you, certainly not someone doing a drive-by using a camera.

    You're going to outlive your father, so it is best you are moving beyond his manipulations. It seems extremely unlikely that he could ever do anything to reverse your feeling of betrayal. I am acquainted with some former drug users, whose children feel about the same as you do. There is nothing they can do about the damage they have done to their relationship with their children, and no matter how reformed they may be or how long it has been since they changed their behavior, they have no rational reason to expect that their children ever will trust them again.

    This is the choice your father has made, each day for a long time. it's not your choice. It's his. You can fire him, just the same as you could fire anyone who lost your trust.
     
    #2 faustian1, May 28, 2016
    Last edited: May 28, 2016
  3. MtnFr3sh

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    He's not a drunk or a drug user Well heck I wouldn't know, I haven't actually seen him. All I know he does is smokes tobacco, not weed.

    He's deliberatley tried to make my mother miserable, thus making me miserable. He's told her that he will do everything possible to screw her over.
     
  4. YeahpIdk

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    Hey there. First, congrats on graduating - so awesome! Second, I can't completely relate, but maybe a little. I grew up with an absent father and struggling mom, too. Growing up, my father was never in my life, ever. The only thing I knew about him were the crappy things people told me, and what he looked like from my mom's wedding photos. And then one million years later (yes, literally one million), he wants to talk to me and start a relationship. When I'm a grown ass adult. Now we email every once in awhile, and for me, it's pretty forced, and extremely distant. He is a stranger to me, and that's something I told him when I wrote how I felt about the psuedo-reunion of us speaking to each other. And guess what, he can't even email regularly! Even when he want to talk to me so badly, he can hardly make an effort. It's like they say, some things never change; can't teach an old dog new tricks -- whatever.

    That's something I truly mean, though. The stranger part, but for you, I think it's probably different because he was there in someway. Yet, he wasn't and made you and your mom's life harder than it needed to be. You have every right to be angry with him, and every right to treat him like he treated you guys: like nothing or non-existant. But do not let him steal your happiness. He may have helped with your conception, but he did not raise you, and he doesn't deserve to be anymore selfish than he already has been. Because that's what it is, selfishness. Just like my father, who thinks that because the time and moment suit him, he has a right to pop up into my life and have a place because now he feels like it.

    Do what you feel is right in your relationship with him, but try not to do it out of anger. Not for him, but only for yourself. You don't need the extra stress. You don't need to deplete yourself emotionally. Just live your life. Live it in honor of the way your mother raised you, and don't even think about all of the things he didn't do, and the ways he tries to push himself onto you at moments that are opportunistic just for him. Take him with a grain of sand, and be happy. Seriously. Do not let toxic people steal your happiness from you, even for just a day.

    Think about writing him a letter if you're angry. Maybe you have some things you'd like to say to him. Maybe sit on it for a few days if it's something you decide to do, though. When it comes to him, and I don't know if this will work for you because of your circumstance, so I will just use me as an example - but try to come from a place of love when dealing with it. I feel bad for my father because he didn't get to raise me or take part in anything in my life, and that's gotta be a really big loss for him in some sense. He didn't get to have authentic Father's Days, or I love yous from me. He has a daughter, but he doesn't really have one at all. I feel sorry for him in that sense, and I think it's the same for your father. He tries to capture these happy moments and milestones, but it's just the surface of you - he can't buck up and just be there. Does he really know who you are as a person? Does he get authentic I love yous and memories of you? It's pitiful in a way - so treat him like that. Even in all of your anger, know that he's the one with the greatest loss, because he doesn't truly have you.

    Jeez, that was kind of dramatic, lol. You don't need to take any of that seriously if it doesn't apply. I just felt like I could relate a little. Feel better, Mtn. Sending some hugs to you.
     
  5. DaLemonSqueezer

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    Your story reminds a little bit of my own.

    My mom's new (now ex) male-friendish some kind of boy friend did some stuff that no one really liked and he still lurks around our house. Supposedly "getting his things" that do not even exist and some times sabotages our lives.

    So we're in kind of same situation: a person in our lives who just shows up some times and we hate when that happens. Personally I've given it a bit thought (like every complicated thing in my life).

    Personally my attitude is very very inhuman. I go by the words in the law and the rights given to us. So basically I don't get mad about something that some one has full right to do. Personally I can't understand how one can get mad for something that is allowed to be done (e.g. some one coming up to you and trying to talk to you (e.g. your father to you)).

    Now on the other hand I totally get that you hate seeing him, and you said he has dodged all payments etc. he is forced to pay? by law. Would you mind clearing this bit up a little? Why hasn't he paid them and why hasn't your mother/any authority taken any action?

    Also, I said I go by what's written in the law. If you meet him e.g. at your home or some private area, you can call the cops and tell that he is there without permission and won't leave when asked to. That's what pretty much happens when the lurker in my life shows up at our house.

    So in a nutshell, fight fire with fire: he has rights (and you have no rights denying them) but remember your own rights and what's written in law. I've learned in my own 18 years that some times you need to be purely rational and just figure out how to achieve a goal you want to reach.

    But congrats on graduation (I graduate too) and hugs ;3 updates ;P