Broke up with partner, can't give up hope // Sorry for the essay

TL;DR: broke up with my long-term partner (who is a recently out a trans guy) because life got in the way, wondering if we could possibly get back together, not now, but someday.

Hi there. A little over a month ago I was still in a 3-year relationship with my partner (I'll call him Watson). Sorry for the length! I've been thinking a lot these past few weeks.

For the vast majority of our time together, it was a very sweet and nurturing relationship. We almost never fought, and if we did we almost always resolved things really respectfully. Things would blow over pretty quick and end in lots of hugs and kisses. No serious long-term build ups of resentment, although sometimes we had to address elephants in the room, but we did so healthily.

During the course of our relationship, Watson also came out as a trans guy, first to me during the first year or so of our relationship (I was the first person he ever told), and publicly about 9 months ago. It was clear his gender dysphoria was causing a lot of pain and confusion, but he was terrified to come out even though I thought it would help in the long run (and warmly told him I thought as much, not in a pushy way). I did my best to be supportive and encouraging, and he eventually managed to do it! I was so happy for him, and being allowed to walk through that whole process with him was one of the most meaningful and powerful experiences of my life. I'm so touched that of all the people in the world, he chose me to be at his side through it all. (*hug*)

Anyway, long story short: we had been planning to move in together for a few months, but when pressed to make a sudden decision about it, we kind of imploded. The particular details of who said what and who initiated it are convoluted and I think not that relevant. We each had things out of balance in our own lives (identity, figuring out careers/lifepaths, needing to be alone to focus on our selves, my chronic depression and ambivalent on/off relationship to meds, etc.). I think we both felt like our previously high-compatibility and respectful/loving relationship had started holding us back.

There are definitely good reasons for us to have separated. I think we both feel like we need time to figure out ourselves so that we can have better relationships in the future. He has never been a single trans person, and I always kind of knew he would need that and wanted for him to experience it. I think we both plan on seeing other people for awhile, but I don't think either of us wants anything nearly as serious for now (either way, we had an intense three-year relationship that consumed us, it took a long time to get as serious as we did, and I don't see him rushing into anything serious like that again).

I had my own issues that I needed to figure out, because there were some problems in our relationship arising from them. I've reflected on this a lot though, and I'm confident they weren't irreparable problems, and I think if I were in a relationship like that again right now, I would never let myself recreate those problems. I'm also getting treatment for depression again and it makes a huge difference (I stopped treatment early in our relationship, mistake).

To the extent that I can control the little problems we had, I think I have already figured out what I need to do differently and change about myself to be healthier and less emotionally dependent on relationships for happiness. Part of that involves being single for awhile. I've let go of our relationship, and know we can't go back to it. I haven't let go of him though.

We haven't been speaking, although I sent a couple of letters reflecting on what I'd learned, showing that I was taking care of myself, and generally wishing him well in a bittersweet way. They weren't asking for a response, and made that clear. I just wanted him to know I will and have already changed and keep becoming a better, healthier, happier person, because I know we want that for each other. I feel good about where I left things, and if I send anything else in the future it will be less intense and more cute/fun. That said, I have no way of knowing if he read the letters. But I think he hasn't written back because he's afraid of hurting me, because he knows I was heartbroken and hurting a lot the first couple of weeks. And he has good reason to be wary of hurting me, because I already got pretty seriously triggered a couple times right after we broke up.

Regardless, I love and respect him enough to not try to fight to get him back. I want him to be free if that's what he wants/needs. Still, I would be surprised if I don't hear back from him at some point in the coming few months, and if I don't we have our whole lives ahead of us, and we both said things right up until the end about we hope we're always in each other's lives in some capacity at some point, maybe even sooner than later. But I'm OK thinking in time spans of years, maybe even decades here.

I really care about him as a unique individual a lot, and I'm not worried about losing the comfort and security of the relationship, because those things are replaceable. I'm pining after him alone and the fact that nobody ever felt as right to me, or as lovable to me. I also had never been with anyone who I felt fully loved me as a non-binary queer person before, so I miss that a lot, but I also feel like I am forever stronger and more secure in myself for it. I won't commit to anything serious with anyone ever again if they can't offer me that basic respect.

I think we had a really good relationship and care deeply about each other, but needed to be on our own (we are young, he a little younger, and both going through lots of changes after all). But I've known some couples who've split up for a year or two and by some twist of fate gotten back together, the stronger for it, and who have now been together a very long time. And I do think it is possible that we could become one of those couples if it's meant to be. Watson and I nurtured a really strong connection that will be part of us forever, whether we communicate or not. And if we don't come back together as a couple, that's OK too, because I have grown so much through all of our time together and apart. I know we will at some point connect somehow, maybe not as partners or lovers, but somehow.

So, I dunno. Do people think there is hope for us getting back together at any point at all? What should I consider when it comes to communicating?

 

Aw, thank you. It's nice to hear that people can take positive things from my story. And your encouragement and affirmation of the connection my partner and I had is really helpful.

 

(sorry for double post)

That all said, today I am missing him a lot. I went into the grocery store and got so afraid of bumping into him with somebody else I just walked out without buying anything.

 

You sound over wise for a 17 year old hah. Yeah, I'm sure that we'll be in touch over the long term in some way or another. It's nice to hear an outside perspective agree.

Thanks for sharing your own story. Stories about bonds enduring through separation have been making me feel better about the future. I hope yours continues to be inspiring.

Sorry for my slow response. I've been on a reading/writing retreat and haven't had much internet access. It's very therapeutic though. The peace and solitude has been good for working through lot of feelings and helping hold on to my dignity and strength. I still get these sudden pangs of longing and jealousy when I think about him moving on, but it's easier to take care or myself up here without distractions, where I can just indulge myself. I'm alternating between writing and reading moRe directly connected to love/loss as well as some pure escapism in the form of a song of ice and fire.

If anything, I've really gotten a sense of empowerment for treating myself well, and for following my own north star, out of all of this, more so than I had before.