Hey guys, this place helped me through stuff years ago back in high school so I figured I'd try again. Well, for the first time, I have a really good friend that I really like. Like personality, and definitely looks. It's gotten to the point where I like him so much that stuff has been really bothering me. Like he is always trying to bang girls, and he has potential, because he is really good looking. On Thursday, he is going on a date with a ****** girl. She seems infatuated. When he tells me about this, I just get this weird anger/jealousy. He's also been banging his ex lately, and that pisses me off equally. And I take it out on him passively, and it's mean because he has no idea why. I am bi, and would love to have his looks to be able to bang girls/guys. But this is so difficult because I am jealous he has so much potential to get with girls (my attraction to girls), but also that he is really hot (my attraction to guys). I am moving in with him in a month for the next year, and lately this has been driving me crazy so I am now regretting the lease. Does anyone have experience with this? In the past I've just distanced myself, but that is a problem now since I'm moving in with him.
I feel for you man, I have a similar situation with my straight roommate at the moment, and it sucks. Have you considered coming out to him?
I have because he has a lot of gay friends, but I really can't because it would ruin everything. He would know exactly what's in my head and get creeped out.
But it could explain your odd behaviour. Maybe explain that you know he's straight and you would never make a move on him that wasn't wanted. Express your frustration. Perhaps ask him for pointers? Maybe he's no better looking than you and just had a way to act that makes him hot? He's got gay friends, so he likely won't reject you. What makes you think it will ruin everything?
Well we talk about sex all the time. He is very horny, like weirdly horny. If these conversations didn't stop altogether, then he'd feel weird still having them. because he'd know I really get off to them, and not like he does. Thanks for the advice guys. I've thought about telling him, but anyone I've told I no longer talk to (have just drifted apart). So it makes me hesitant. But mostly because I'm moving in with him. Such a mistake and I haven't even moved in yet. Also, we've slept in the same bed before, like close to each other. He might get weird about that. I guess mostly the problem is that I don't see how that would improve my feelings at all. I would still be frustrated, and it will probably just be more uncomfortable for both of us.
I think you should tell him before you move in together. This might explode in your face if you don't, and sharing an apartment is not an easy thing to undo if you two have a falling out. Straight guys are more understanding than you think, though I admit, it really depends on their culture/upbringing... besides, it also sounds like you need a friend that knows and that you can have conversations with. You can keep talking about girls, and he might set you up with a girl he knows, or maybe one of his gay friends.
But the lease is already signed. If there is a bad reaction, yeah, I'm fucked. Luckily there is one more so it's not just us two.
Hi, I've been lurking for quite a while on here, but I saw your post and knew I needed to make an account to give you advice, because I've been through something exactly like this somewhat recently and might be able to save you from some awful pain. I also had a good friend I finally liked being around and with whom I had things in common, and he and I decided to get an apartment together for school. I had a small crush on him, but I didn't want it and hoped it would diminish as time went on; but then I realized what I'd gotten myself into signing the lease when I saw how girl-crazy and unhelpfully oblivious he was. I was already beginning to be angered by him against my will, and I knew things would probably get worse. Well, they did. Once we moved in, the proximity didn't allow me any time to detach myself in order to keep the friendship stable and my undesired feelings at the lowest possible level. I was going to be attracted to him no matter the situation, but I never found the way to stabilize myself in myself and in relation to him. I wanted to be good friends with him too much, so I didn't do some of the things I knew I could've done to help myself. He began to get closer to one of our mutual friends, a lovely girl, whom he also began to date, but I deteriorated more and more until I had a nervous breakdown and entirely abandoned the friendship for my own good. I told him about how I had been feeling at the end, a last resort, but it didn't work, so I left and recovered over the course of a few months. Now, you've signed the lease, so you're in; but I'll give you the advice I can from my own experience: -Don't tell him if you don't have to. Stability will be key here, and telling will likely only have a negative effect, even if only in your own mind. -I don't know how much time you spend with him, but do other things with other people if possible, and do things away from him often. If you can maintain yourself in independence you'll have a better time. If you have other friends, spend time with them; if you don't have other friends, try to find some. People are your best bet in this situation. Maintain good relations with your presumptive roommate, though, assuming you want to keep up the friendship. A reasonable time apart will grant you clarity and help diminish negative emotions, especially if it becomes habit. If things change some with your friend through this, it's at least happened naturally without unnecessary suddenness. -This next bit can only work with the preceding piece: Force yourself to begin seeing the attraction as futile, an invincible dead end. -When you feel angry or jealous, think about why. It will likely center in your own attachment, so you'll have to remind yourself that he doesn't know what is in your mind and doesn't intend to cause the harmful emotions. It will be hard, especially in the early stages, but restrain any outward reaction. Brood not too long over it; find something else to do or think about if you can. Redirect your attention. Pain is inevitable, but this doesn't have to be entirely bad. If you can make a habit of distracting yourself from that situation through other people and activities things won't deteriorate, and you can keep your friendship; otherwise it's downhill exclusively. I hope I don't seem to speak out of place or to assume too much. I'm drawing conclusions from my own experience that might not be analogous to yours; but I hope you can use it for what it's worth. Adapt what I've said as needed. Also, might I ask how long the lease is?
Wow, a lot of what you said is spot on especially in regards to the frustration that isn't even logical. Great advice. What was his reaction when you told him? Yeah, I decided that although telling him might seem like a good idea, it's not because of the lease. Too much risk of it all going downhill and not being able to get away. The good news is that I'm starting my full time job in two weeks, and will be working 9-5s while he's in grad school. I won't see him as much as I do now....which is a lot as we have been watching tv shows together. I do have other friends, but it's a balance because I'm paying a lot for rent, and I would love to just hang out at the apartment all the time. He basically controls me. I wait for him to text me to hang out, which he almost always does, and I really love spending time with him way too much. It doesn't help that he is borderline flirty. Tonight he told me his dick is an average 5.5. He tells me his sexual fantasies. Tomorrow night he has a first date with a really hot Bumble girl who moved in like right next to us almost. He tells me tonight he would love to just go over and bang every day. I shuttered and got annoyed again. One of the other things I am going to try to do is get a girlfriend. I think that'll help. I hate this situation...and basically makes it impossible for me to distance myself, which seems like the only answer.
He was fine with it and had even suspected it. He understood I did it as the last effort to stabilize the situation for myself, too. Telling him didn't cause him to modify his own behavior in the least, though; he remained as he was before. I shouldn't have expected anything else. What you've described in the third and fourth paragraphs is very near what I experienced as well. I always wanted to spend time with him, and most of the time I had fun if I wasn't too frustrated. The texting was always distressing. I never texted much before I met him, but I always wanted to get texts from him from that point. I put the perceived flirtiness down to comfortabity and trust. The little crush on your end tries so hard to see what it desires in him. If you say borderline, I say assume a lack of intention on his end. The conclusion you ought to draw from the confiding and sexual banter is also comfortability and trust. To go further is dangerous. The job will help, and so would finding a girlfriend. Physical space will always be hard to come by; mental space will be your salvation here. If you find something else to which your heart may cling, you have much hope. You will have to discover on your own what happens beyond that point; I never got that far. Fear not to find or intensify healthy hobbies of body or mind. Every little bit helps. I do understand the desire to be able to peacefully remain at your own apartment, though. I hope you at least have your own bedroom. I had to share mine with my friend for lack of space, and he was loud and aggravating at night.
