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The I've been "Faking it" talk

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Huckleberry24, Jun 2, 2016.

  1. Huckleberry24

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Not sure if this is where I should post this, but it didn't seem to make sense in any other forum so here goes I guess.

    So, I've been with my girlfriend for just over a month now (short time span I know), and things have been great in every aspect of our relationship, except the sex.

    Sorry, I guess I should give a little back story, to help make more sense of this. I'm still rather new to being a lesbian, I only just started to realize that I was gay about 3 years ago. It took time, but I finally came to the full realization, and have actually only started pursuing women for the past year or so. I have never been with a guy, so when I got together with my girlfriend, I was a virgin.

    Now back to my dilemma. So, we've been sexually active for the majority of our relationship, (its all happened rather quick, but I've never felt pressured) and ultimately the sex is good. It's been great for her, I've been able to do things for her that no other partner has, and she absolutely loves my skills (or so she says, and she seems rather convincing) My problem is that I have yet to actually have an orgasm when she pleasures me. Whether its oral, penetrative - with her fingers or toys, I just can't get there. I get close, and I want to soo badly, but I can't get out of my head enough to just let it happen.

    So... I fake my orgasms so that it doesn't continue on forever and have her feel inadequate. I know it's bad, and I feel really terrible for doing it, but I just panicked in the moment and didn't really know what else to do the first time, and have kept it up since.

    And like I said, this is my first sexual experience, and I don't really know what I'm doing. And neither of us actually have our own place, and we live with family members, so it can make things awkward because we don't want to make too much noise.

    Sadly, this issue has made it so I don't really want to have sex anymore. I make up excuses like I'm too tired or I pleasure her but don't allow her to do the same so she can rest. At times it feels like having sex is a chore, and I'd rather just ignore that aspect of our relationship. It makes me really sad too, because especially in the beginning of relationships, you're supposed to want to be all over each other. But I never want to take our kissing too far because it could lead to sex.

    Now, I know I need to speak with her about this. It can only get better if we talk and I make her aware of whats going on with me, and then I can stop feeling like I need to fake. I'm just super worried about how this will go. I don't want to hurt her feelings, or make her feel like this is her fault, because it absolutely isn't, but I'm afraid she'll think it is anyways.

    I guess my question for you all is, how do I go about doing this? Is there a certain way I need to say it so she doesn't get hurt? Has anyone had similar experiences, from either end? I'm at a loss here, and I need some help, because I really like her, and I want to get over this hump so our relationship can blossom and turn into something potentially. But it's a big issue and needs to be addressed, and as delicately as possible I would say.

    - Sorry for the novel, but I look forward to anyone's response who may have advice for me, and I greatly appreciate it :slight_smile:
     
  2. jmkfour

    Regular Member

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    This is not a comfortable subject to bring up with a partner, but an important one. i had a similar issue with my first time having sex where i did not experience orgasm. my partner knew this and was becoming self conscious (it was not his fault either, but did feel it was). what you've shared is honestly a good start to talk about. if your partner is willing to listen, all you've shared should be enough to start the conversation.

    It's your first experience with sexual encounters and that honestly means you still don't know how your body handles that kind of intimacy. it will take time to be comfortable with having an orgasm during sex or in front of someone. Always stress that its in no way their fault and that the concerns you have are based on what your experiencing.

    Id like to ask. Have you experienced orgasm(dumb question, but feel its important)?cause if you know what achieves your orgasm, maybe you can share this information with your partner. try and explore what you enjoy and don't enjoy. and if you don't achieve orgasm with these attempts, that's ok. your just trying to find what works. I know it sounds sterile how im framing this possible solution, but open communication where both parties can speak comfortably is key for better sex. also don't become too self conscious if something happens that makes your partner or you laugh, thats better than feeling frustration or anger.

    personally i had issues having an orgasm with a partner for a good month straight ( that was with sex pretty frequently in that time, like 2-3 times a day sometimes). what we were doing wasn't working and my partner was becoming disheartened. I was a virgin at the time and was new to physical intimacy, but knew how i achieved orgasm by my own. I shared this with my partner and i had my first orgasm in front of my partner( he was a participant and not just an observer). it was a relief for both of us and it only got better from there.

    i don't know if that will happen for you, but i hope you and your girlfriend are able to work this out. i know its easy for people in a relationship to internalize any problems that occur and become defensive, so avoid using words that direct towards your partner ( like you,your). let them know that you are concerned and want it to get better so you can be more intimate without stress or anxiety. good luck :slight_smile: