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Going through some rough stuff...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by HunterRaven, Jun 2, 2016.

  1. HunterRaven

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    Hey all, I just need to get stuff my chest right now... I've been feeling with a tough situation involving an ex of mine who is in a really bad place at the moment. He's been opening up to me about his feelings of depression and worthlessness, and how it affects his relationships and outlook on the world. He pretty much considers himself unworthy of love. He's just begun dating someone new, and it's basically been down to me to prop him up so he doesn't panic and give into his negative feelings and his hurt and hatred of himself.

    The problem is...I don't really want to.

    Don't get me wrong, I want to see him happy, I want to see him joyful and content, but it does feel a bit insensitive that I'm the one who is serving as his emotional crutch, especially while he explains to me that out relationship only ended because he didn't feel worthy enough, while I then have to steer him through his anxieties about another dude. The thing is I know he needs my help, and that he needs as much positive reinforcement as he can get (he's really been through the mill with his home life, and his failed relationships have only served to aggravate this) and I'm the one he's chosen to confide in. I don't have anyone else I can have him open up to besides me either, and this is further complicated by the fact that I'm currently in a relationship with a mutual friend of ours.

    This friend is aware that we used to date, and he's also aware that remained on good terms with each other afterwards, but I feel that the feelings I'm feeling toward my ex are dangerously close to jealousy, I don't want to abandon him while he's such a vulnerable mental state, but I'm afraid of the damage it coulddo to my own self esteem and possibly to my relationship.

    I want to do the right thing by them both but I really feel sucky about myself and don't know how to handle this better...
     
    #1 HunterRaven, Jun 2, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2016
  2. Gravity

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    I think your gut instinct is right - it's not your job to be your ex's sole emotional support as he attempts to build further relationships. You also mention that there are bits of jealousy at play, which is valid, and is probably a sign that you need to de-invest yourself in the situation and focus on your current relationship, rather than on supporting your ex and his relationship.

    If this is an ongoing trend with him, then my suspicion would be that you effectively became responsible for supporting his emotional well-being, in part or in full, while you two were a couple as well. If this is the case, then it's going to be hard to get used to interacting with him in a new way, but it's probably best for both of you that you begin doing so.

    You're probably right that he needs help - and gently steering him toward some sort of counseling or therapy might be a good start for him. But there's also no reason that this help *has* to come from you. It's not your job to keep him happy, and the truth is, it never was.