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I'm Afraid of Sex

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by thepandaboss, Jun 2, 2016.

  1. thepandaboss

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    I thought about making this anonymous but some of the details are stuff I've posted about before...

    But anyway... I've been on T for a week. Otherwise feeling great. Except for one thing- my libido. The fact that I have one isn't wrong but now that I'm single, I don't really have a safe, non-dysphoric outlet for me to take care of it.

    But the real issue is now that I'm single, the dating process itself is kind of anxiety-inducing. And it's not because of me being trans or anything. But before I got with my last ex, two years ago, I was sexually assaulted on a date.

    And I think that's a lot of the reason behind why I got with my ex and why I stuck with him for so long. I didn't want to be alone and I wanted to feel normal. So even when I was anxious about doing things, I would force myself to have sex. There'd be times he'd guilt me into it too, even when I tried to get out of it.

    And now that I'm free after two years of that, I guess I'm kind of lost. I've been asked out by people, I've hit it off. But I always flake last minute so I don't have to broach the sex topic. Even the idea of getting intimate with someone's really freaking me out right now. I have panic attacks over the idea. I'll be honest. I'd probably be thrilled if my next partner was asexual so I wouldn't be forced into sex.

    What do I do?
     
  2. A Seraphim Moon

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    Hun~First off never let or allow someone to guilt you. Not to mention that if your ex, if he was aware he should have never guilted you in the first place!!! Sorry, that just bothers me. I understand that it is hard to maintain a relationship when intimacy can be difficult, but intimacy shouldn't be everything.

    I honestly don't know what people are thinking when they do that or how they could even think it's ok or live with themselves!:***: :bang: Ok, I'm better! :icon_bigg I wasn't assaulted, not like that. I've posted that I had been molested, so maybe it was assault, a form of it and that was over 15 years ago. But, it didn't happen like that with me and not on a date. But, that does something to a person... just in general.

    But, in general speaking terms. If someone isn't in the mood, well that is just that. They are not in the mood, same with when partners have been raped by their significant others. I wish people would just get it. Sometimes, I can't even stand to be touched. I have my good days and my bad days. I'm sure in some ways that is very similar to you. But, even if he wasn't aware... That doesn't make it better, it's not an excuse. It's like the ones that say "I was drunk", that's not an excuse. In some ways, with him making you feel guilty he brought the assault back for you to play over again in your mind. That doesn't help you recover from it at all!

    Now, that I've gotten lost after my rant there... Hmm~where was I going with this. Well, I'd say find someone that you can be honest with about the assault. I know that seems easier said than done. Because it's not something one just randomly brings up in conversation, but I've found that it helps. Especially, if they are understanding and aren't I guess you'd say someone with a high sex drive. It was difficult with one of my ex's because of that. It wasn't that he tried to guilt me so much as it made it difficult for him he was always frustrated and needless to say he couldn't remain faithful. It ended with us both agreeing that it just didn't work for us to be together.

    So, I guess I am not sure really what to say to you on the 'what to do' or even on 'what not to do'. I just, I know that I have a libido and it might not be much of one, lol. But, I do have one. :icon_wink So, it may not be 'exactly' like yours. But, maybe you are on the right track. You don't want someone to make you feel guilty about it, or force you into being intimate, nor should you in essence assault yourself by forcing yourself into it.

    I'm not sure about asexual. But, someone as I stated earlier. Someone that doesn't have a high sex drive. Sometimes when people say that they're not very sexual they really mean it. There is more to a relationship than being intimate. Companionship for starters. Maybe you could find someone like that. Someone maybe looking more for companionship. Lust will find its way there for both of you when you're both ready.

    I'm sorry if I didn't help much. But, I just didn't like that your ex had made you feel guilty. It bothered me. I am glad that in overall you have been taking 'T' well and are enjoying how it's been going so far. You seem like you are happy with it. :slight_smile:
     
    #2 A Seraphim Moon, Jun 2, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2016
  3. thepandaboss

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    Hey, thanks for writing by the way. I really appreciate it even though it probably wasn't easy considering everything that happened to you...

    But yeah, just a lot of things I've been thinking about lately.

    Ex did know about everything- after we'd been together for a while I told him. And I think that's why it was so hard to leave him and say no because to me, he was my way out. For the most part, he was sometimes understanding but like I said, also a lot of times he'd beg me and guilt me into giving him sex. Most of the time, it wasn't even enjoyable. I would just wish he'd hurry up and finish so I could sleep.

    And that's what I want, like you said. Someone who that when we're both ready for it, we can. And someone who's willing to go slow. Where do you find that though?

    I mean, I'm not gonna lie. I actually had a panic attack just thinking about sex last night. Lord, am I glad I have a therapist right now.
     
  4. A Seraphim Moon

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    Oh, no need for thanks! (*hug*) You are very welcome! :newcolor: I've thought about what I said last night... Quite a few times... I still can't figure out for the life of me what it was that I wanted to say or rather where I was going with it. :confused2: I've felt bad about it, thought I came off rather harsh or very direct. I'm not even really sure... So, I am sorry if you felt I was calling you out or yelling at you over it. I guess that's what I was worried about that I had been very... pushy!?! :shrug: Meh~still can't find the words, lol.

    Also, :slight_smile: 'Thank You'... This is supposed to be about you, your thread remember? :wink: The concern isn't needed, but appreciated! (*hug*) So, again thank you for the concern. I suppose it was a little difficult. Though, it gets better every time I talk about it... It becomes a little easier. Kinda like dealing with death/loss over the years you learn to deal, so in essence every time I mention it makes it that much more simple to deal with.

    Same with the ex's I've had that were not the best choice for a partner. I've learned the hard way to be more selective and pay more attention to the subtle details, those gut feelings, and the red flags! Learned to be more honest and open... As well, as having a voice. Knowing when to speak up and voice my concerns, disagreements, and also questions. Questions about the things that just don't seem right or add up!

    Honestly... The difficulty that I had and still have is... Well, I know there is a difference with what you experience with your libido and what I experience. But, I don't want to come off as biased or unbiased. I don't want my thoughts to be clouded based on what others have said to me or how I have been told I am supposed to perceive transgender people. I have no qualms or judgments! I don't feel that it is wrong or something that shouldn't be... None of that, I just don't. I disagree with the the whole bible way of looking at it.

    I just can't wrap my brain around how I would describe to you the way it's made me feel listening to some of my friends say that they don't have a problem with my being gay but if I were to say to them I was trans, they disagree for various reasons and none of those reasons seem valid to me! It just all seems so negative and prejudicial... Just closed minded! When my friend 'Zach' came out that he was trans (ftm) it just seemed to 'right'. We used to joke (before as she) that she was a gay man trapped in a woman's body. So, it made sense to me... It was that very scenario. For whatever reason I felt that it was just and right. That it just was. I didn't question it for a moment. Not a single cell in my body thought anything was wrong with it.

    I'm getting off topic and starting let my typing get away from me... Getting lost, haha! What I am trying to say is... I wasn't sure if I would come off as ignorant? Not sure if that is the right word. I didn't want you to think that I judged you or didn't understand you... More so that I couldn't relate! I may have been born in the correct body for me with right parts and all. But, to me... It's not trans... I don't see that word. To me, when I saw your sexuality and gender... I literally saw, in my mind, that it read 'gay male'. To me there isn't a difference, do you understand?

    I know there is a difference in reality. But, in my mind and the way I feel about it... There isn't a difference. So, that was why I had difficulty more so... I was afraid I wouldn't be able to convey what I wanted to say without seeming stupid or offending you. If I ever say anything wrong, I don't get offended easily, and I would rather be called out and take the criticism so I don't make a mistake again.

    So, even though I am not entirely sure what it feels like to have that lack of testosterone and then *poof* be part of who you are and an everyday experience feeling different in all ways in general... I am still male and have a libido that causes me strife sometimes. I battle with that part of me constantly. Some days I'm fine and it doesn't. Other days I don't like it... Then there are days when I am afraid of sex or days that my libido gets to me or gets the best of me and I feel awful about it and guilty for letting it get to me.

    That is why I couldn't just sit here after reading what you wrote without saying anything. Because I can relate to you, another male! :wink: Someone who shares in the issues of having a libido that you want, yet at the same time loathe for how it makes you feel when you don't want to feel that way sometimes. Then on top of that being assaulted and also having an ex that played with your emotions, pulled the guilt card just to get off. When he could have easily done that with porn.

    Everyone can pleasure themselves... We don't need someone to do that for us, we can do it ourselves. haha It's different when you are with someone and it's supposed to be something for love or something that helps build and strengthen that bond and love. So, when you mentioned even the panic attacks. I've been there myself. I read too many similarities... Too many things that correlated with me and my own feelings/stress to not say anything. I wouldn't have been able to get it out of head if didn't respond. As it is, I was already letting it spin around in my head because I felt I couldn't convey everything I wanted. I felt I might have offended, haha. But, as it turns out... I guess I didn't and fretted over nothing! :slight_smile:

    As for the attacks... I've had my share of panic attacks~Ugh! They really take a toll on you sometimes! Not to mention it can be disconcerting if someone is around you when it happens and isn't aware you have them... Or the other, they don't know why you have them or what is the cause. If I am not 100% comfortable with them or haven't known them for very long, well I'd rather not have that conversation with them until I am ready, you know?

    This is very long reply. Which, as it seems I can't stop and apologize to everyone for doing. I guess I need to just accept it as something I can't change and just go with it. No one has complained to me or tried to compel me to stop. It's my own insecurities playing with my mind. Still, though... It would help if I could convey what I wanted to say in a shorter way! Something I've been thinking about and trying to figure out.

    Now with all of this... Everything I've said... I need to go back a little to the ex. Knowing now that he told you. I still say that you don't need that. Learn from that experience and embrace it. Use it as a means to grow and strengthen yourself in the sense. If in the future that would present itself again, you know what will ultimately happen. A culmination of all your past experiences with ex's, it'll be a break through in and of itself. Because you'll see the red flags and stop it in its tracks. If they love you for you, well they wouldn't want to pressure you anyway. But, if they do and you put your foot down with them making you feel guilty. Well, if they care about you they will refrain from doing it again.

    As for finding someone. I'm not really sure. Been trying to answer that question myself for awhile. It's been about 2 years for myself. I took myself off the market on purpose, for alot of reasons... Part of it was that I wasn't ready to fully commit to a partner and know that it's not singular, that is was "us". But, also because of my baggage. Things I needed to deal with or push through to be able to give my all and be a part of the relationship both good and bad 100%. I have my own flaws, you know? Things I need and things I needed to work on within my mind and emotions.

    I also needed to figure out what it was that I really wanted from a relationship, what I was looking for in a partner. All of that and more, so very hard to describe. Needless to say that there things I did or things I hadn't dealt with that were the direct result in the failure of the relationship. We all have baggage, I just let mine consume me in some ways. Not to mention my trust issues... Or what my ex's had done that I wouldn't let go of so the next person I dated kinda suffered for it. But, there were also the reasons of what some of ex's did or how they treated me that also played a part in the failure of the relationship.

    I needed to learn to deal with those things as well and push through that and my indifference toward it and how it made me feel. I just wasn't ready to go through it all again... Invest in something that was doomed to failure from the beginning. My mindset has changed. I want to go back on the market and want to start dating again... But, slow and steady. I don't want to go through the heartache again, so in some ways I'm not 100% ready or I guess willing to take myself off the market. But, I feel it's time. Loneliness does have a way of getting to you too! haha

    But for now... Till I meet someone, the right someone for me. I am content with being single. At this point it's more of a clarity thing with me, that it is by choice! So, if I really wanted to let myself be romantically involved then a part of that is letting myself be available and be open to the idea. I guess what I am trying to say is that being open to the idea of dating, it makes it a subconscious thing... You may not even be aware that you are talking or looking at a person as a potential partner or potential dating material.

    So... Hmm~where to look? I dunno, but I guess in some ways... I am looking. If you figure out where to look first let me know. If I figure it out, I'll let you know! :icon_bigg Same with the various ways... I'm not sure if dating sites are my thing, I've tried a few. In my area there isn't an LGBT group or community really that I know of, it's rather sparse. Bars~well, mainly straight sports bars and I am not sure if I like the idea of meeting someone in a bar. I have been there and done that! Mind is drawing a blank for some reason on the subject of where...

    I hope this has helped you in some way! I know it's on the lengthy side... Again~sorry! :slight_smile: Also, ~"*Thank You*"~ for reading this in its entirety!!! If you have any tips for me on how to shorten what I say... :eusa_pray I am definitely game! :icon_mad: