Hi there, I’m a 25 yo gay man and diagnosed HIV 10 yrs ago. I'm currently working for a furniture manufacturer as an accountant. I met Peter online about two years ago, now he is 35 yo and lives in Ohio. He has been a pharmacist over 10 yrs and now back in school for his second master degree. So what I like about him is he is a caring, dependable, funny, and smart guy. But sometimes I’m also very disgusted by him being racist and arrogant, and talking mean and harsh about ppl or things that he hates. Also, Peter is that kind of top that doesn’t bottom at all and prefers to be the provider in a relationship. Sometimes he says things that annoy me but he never lies (like sharing his hookups with me, we never officially be boyfriends so technically he is single). He is generally a selfish person but can be very generous to his loved ones. So yeah, my feelings about him are just very complicated. He was still with his ex when we first met. Although they were still boyfriends, their relationship was really broken. We just texted and had some chitchat every now and then, no flirting and nothing happened between him and me at that time. Last summer I moved here in Texas from Colorado, and all of sudden he started to text me and call me on the phone a lot more often. I was told that he had broke up with his ex earlier and now he wanted me. When I asked him why, he just said he always likes me, he thinks I’m good-looking and we got along very well. Apparently that was not very much convincing, and I thought that’s just a joke at first. It took me a long time to finally believe that he was serious based on my experience. Later then he started to talk with me about moving in with him, and that was when I thought I needed to tell him that I’m hiv poz. First of all, we never had sex yet. I told him about my status right before the Thanksgiving last year. At first his reaction was quite casual and surprised me, he said he really appreciated that I was being honest and it’s ok if it’s done safely, especially I’m currently undetectable. But a few days later, he acted all frustrated and told me how he was mad at the guy who ruined my life and health. He was sorry for what happened to me but he doesn’t want to date someone who is poz. Well, that was what I thought it would be, but still it was hard for me to take. He said he just needed some time to think and would tell me about his decision. I never heard from him again, and I thought alright then this is his decision. But just when I was ready to let it go, one day he started texting me again and acted like normal, like nothing happened before. And now he would still say things like that he likes me a lot, but never mentioned about having a relationship with me again. It’s just so absurd. Sometimes I get frustrated when I’m talking to him because I feel it is so meaningless, I don’t know what it is for still keeping in touch with him at this point. But honestly, I haven’t totally given up on him, but I also know that generally he is very stubborn and it’s hard to make him change his decision once he made it, so I don’t even wanna bother trying. But the problem is although it seems obvious, he never gave me his decision even I did ask again later, which is what makes me frustrated. Sometimes I feel maybe it’s better for us to just stop talking so I won’t be holding any hope. I told him once to stop contacting me, he said he wouldn’t, but it’s my decision whether to reply or not. Probably the biggest reason I’m still talking with him is that he wants to start his own business after he finishes school next year and he will offer me a position in his company if I want (I’ve told him I hate my current job and I want to quit, but just no luck with job searching). Or if I quit my job now I can move to Ohio and stay with him, and he will take care of all my bills till I find a job there. Well it’s a great offer and I’m not gonna lie and say that I’m not interested. I did ask him would it be like taking advantage of him? And all he said was he doesn’t care; at least he has something to be taken advantage of. It seems like no one gets hurt, but I just feel really tired of the whole thing, I can’t tell what exactly he wants, and I wouldn’t be here if I can get a straight answer from him. I’m just so confused.
He sounds like trouble. There are so many red flags, I think it's best you turn the other way and run. You should be happy you dodged a bullet when he didn't respond for a while! Being his employee and living with him sound like a TERRIBLE idea, at this point. I know you still have hope for this guy, but I really think it's best if you can just remove yourself from this situation before it gets any more complicated. It's just going to be harder and harder for you to get out of this potentially toxic relationship. If you must get closure, then maybe you can ask him directly for the answer. I will predict that he will get all frustrated and confused and won't give you a straight answer, but maybe you can take that as an answer and move on. Honestly, I feel it's best if you don't even take this step, and find closure in the fact that he is so clueless and selfish and hopelessly unfit to be your boyfriend, let alone a friend. I hope you find a new job else where and meet other people who will care for you.
As I mentioned above, I wasn’t really interested at first. But from what I’ve written above you could see that Peter is one aggressive guy. He just kept chasing till he gets what he wants. He did say that he still at least wants to be friends with me, but without asking me whether I want it or not. I even blocked him once and he just used another phone to text me. So yeah it feels like that he always makes the call of what we are supposed to be and has to win. So far the only answer I got from him is that he still likes me a lot, but he doesn’t have a decision where he wants it to go and probably never will bc he doesn’t want to commit anything if he cannot fulfill. I’ve told him that I can’t help but when talking with him just reminds me of the fact that I couldn’t become his bf because of my status, which still bothers me, and he just said: “oh I thought we already got over it”. There were couple times when I felt that he was dancing around I ended up yelling at him on the phone, but he always acted calm and matured and never yelled back like I’m the crazy one. Sometimes I feel that he truly cares about me and there’s no reason to doubt, but he also does not hide that he gets turned on by other cute boys, as what he said “being totally honest with me”. And given the fact that we aren’t really boyfriends, I’m not even in a position to be mad at him. Peter used to be a workaholic and does not have many close friends. Regardless of the issues between us, I think I’m one of the very few ppl who can hold a conversation and talk with him on the phone over hours and hours. Yeah well, I know Peter might sound like a jerk to most of you guys, and I don’t even think that he is very physically attractive to me, but he somehow has the power makes me cannot reject him. And I think you guys are right, this is a toxic relationship and I’m kinda addicted.
