My girlfriend and I have been together two and a half years now. Things are great between us and we've talked about moving in together next year and getting married down the road. The problem is my family still doesn't know. My mom's side of the family is all Catholic, all Republican, and all homophobic. My mom has jokingly threatened to shoot me if I'm "that way." I still live with her and am mostly financially dependent on her. I've always planned to wait until I've moved away and am financially independent before I tell her. My dad's side of the family isn't quite as bad. My brother has friends that are gay, but he doesn't think they should be able to get married. My sister-in-law is okay with it as long as she doesn't see it. She was talking about the "Get Elsa a girlfriend" thing and how she doesn't know how she'd be able to explain it to her daughter (my niece). I was so close to telling them all yesterday that I have a girlfriend but I needed a ride home and I was afraid things would go sideways. I'm afraid that I'm never going to be able to come out to them. My girlfriend is completely out to her family and they've always been accepting. It's not fair for me to ask her to be a secret forever, I know that. But what if the right time to come out doesn't exist?
Wait till next year to tell them you don't have to keep it from them forever just make sure your financially independent from them first so if they aren't accepting then you can move out if you want to.
If you feel that your mom might kick you out of the house if you came out to her, then not coming out to your family is the prudent thing to do. Is living with your dad an option? Of course you'll never know how your family will react until you come out, so it's possible that your coming out to them will be a forcing function for them to reconsider their views. There is no right answer in this situation; you need to do the risk/reward calculation for yourself and do what's right for you. If you have plans to move in together with your GF in the next year, then you probably want to consider focusing on minimizing expenses and building your savings on your path to becoming financially independent. Does the fact that you are not out impact your ability to go on dates and have overnights with your GF? Have you discussed this with her? Once you move out, you'll be in a much better position to come out to your family. From what you've written, it sounds like your time in the closet is time boxed to another year or two while you become financially independent. Are there any risks to your achieving this goal? Otherwise, it sounds like you have a solid plan to get to a place where you'll be able to come out to your family.
Thanks, both of you. I definitely won't be telling any of my family until I'm moved out. It should be an achievable goal—if not on my own then next fall with my girlfriend. I just worry that even when that happens and I'm away from them, I still won't feel like I can tell them. My dad died almost ten years ago. I should also note that both my brother and sister are twenty years older than me. They're half-siblings, same father, different mother. My not being out has very little affect on our ability to go on dates. My girlfriend is also currently in Japan so dates in general are off the table for the moment. Our hometowns are fairly far apart so when I go to her place (which I usually do since she can't drive), we can be as out as we want. She's also come to my house, stayed the night, slept in my bed, and my mom doesn't question a thing. We haven't really talked about my not being out. I sometimes vent about my family's homophobic comments but for the most part I keep it to myself. She's much bolder than I am when it comes to standing up to people and has a “If they don't like it, screw them” mindset. I admire that about her but it's just not me. I was upfront with her about my family's homophobia before we started dating. She sad it wasn't something she'd wanted to deal with but she was willing to for me.
When I'm facing fears or worries, it often helps to list out possible risks / outcomes as a way of diminishing the fear. What are some of the possible reasons that you might not come out to your family once you move out? Once you have them in writing, they probably won't seem so scary. BTW - I like your GF's attitude - I have similar views.
