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(Now Ex-)Partner Transitioning and Needs to Explore?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by FierceQueerdo, Jun 13, 2016.

  1. FierceQueerdo

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Massachusetts
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    The Short of It

    I'm just wondering, does it make sense that somebody who came out as trans in a long-term relationship would need to be single at some point to explore their sexuality more? Like, if you started a relationship telling yourself you were your assigned gender, but then gradually questioned that and came out as trans during the relationship? I know for me, when I came out as queer, it opened a whole new range of experiences/feelings/opportunities that weren't there before, and that time of exploring them was pretty vital to who I am now. I feel like for a recently-out trans person to be in a long-term monogamous relationship, even with somebody who loves and embraces their queer identity, would make that difficult, and my now-former partner is dealing with a lot more gender confusion than I ever did.

    Anyone else have experience with the challenges of dating somebody who is transitioning?

    More Details

    I made another (long) post about breaking up with my partner of three years more generally, but I've been wondering about the above specifically. He came out to me as trans early in our relationship, and gradually worked up the courage to come out publicly over the next couple years or so. I know that before me, he hadn't had many satisfying relationships, and from what I gather was pretty sexually repressed for a long time even before that. He's pretty sexually empowered/liberated now, but this is also the first time he's been single as an out trans person. We haven't spoken in over a month now.

    We broke up for a whole mess of reasons. Basically we each just had too much internal conflict about life in ourselves as individuals, and as a couple we imploded on the verge of making bigger commitments. Our feelings weren't exactly clear to us at the time, and the discussions we had apropos breaking up were convoluted puddles of tears and feelings. I guess we both felt like we needed to work on developing ourselves as people and settling on our needs/goals, and that our relationship was making it hard to do that. Among the things he's been struggling with were continued gender dysphoria, especially related to his ability to pass. He get's read as female a lot, and hasn't done HRT or top surgery, and last I knew was unsure about them, but was stressed/confused about (among other things) always being read as female. I always tried very hard to be encouraging in that respect, and I think one reason he gravitated to me in the first place was because he knew I was queer and wouldn't have any hang ups about dating a trans person. That said, in retrospect, I do feel like an unconscious part of me never let go of the image I had of him as a girl, from when we met and he still identified as female. I feel guilty about that and hope it didn't ever show to him.

    Anyway, I know he wanted to see other people more casually for awhile (we had a really intense, committed relationship), especially other trans guys (I'm on the trans fem spectrum, not a trans guy, and it seemed like he was particularly curious about exploring intimacy with other transmasculine people). I'm still very much in love with him though, and can't let go of the hope that after he's had some time to sleep around and get in touch with himself he might come back to me... Assuming he doesn't fall in love with one his flings, which I am nervous about... Regardless, I have no animosity towards him for wanting to see other people. I know it's not a reflection of me or my attractiveness (or even of how much he cares about me, because I know he cares about me a lot), and I believe in the importance of sexual self-knowledge and fulfillment for a healthy life after all, and I very much want what's best for him (and me).
     
    #1 FierceQueerdo, Jun 13, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2016