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Constantly thinking about having a boyfriend

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by jaysean, Jun 17, 2016.

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  1. jaysean

    jaysean
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 17, 2016
    Messages:
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    Location:
    Australia
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Just as a bit of background info, I'm 17 and currently in my first year university. I've come to realise that if I'm not doing anything in particular, my thoughts will always lead to being sad about not having a boyfriend. Sounds a bit weird but I'll explain. So during the semesters, I'll be quite busy with study and I'll be around friends a lot of the time. In these periods, I'll sometimes imagine about having a boyfriend and sort of lament over the fact that I don't, but like I mentioned, I've got other things to keep me preoccupied. This is the same case at night during the semesters, before I fall asleep. I'd normally be too tired or thinking about other Uni matters.

    However, when it gets to the holidays, these thoughts will become a lot more frequent, but more at night. During the day, I'll have other things to do keep me busy, but when it gets to the point where I'm laying in bed to fall asleep, those thoughts about being in a relationship will appear. These thoughts consist of me hanging out with my 'boyfriend' and just things I'd do if I had one. What happens though is I'll constantly remind myself of reality that I don't have a boyfriend, and this will cause me feel really sad and angry. This feeling has become really familiar now since I've felt it so many times. The next day however, I think back at how I was feeling sad last night and think "Geez that was so stupid of me to be sad" and stuff like that. Night comes, I imagine having a boyfriend and then I'm sad. This is basically the loop that goes on.

    I guess my question is, why do I keep having depressed moments about not being in a relationship when I don't have anything else to think of, and then look back at it and think of how ridiculous it was? If I thought it was that stupid, why do I keep thinking about it? I'm sorry if this is so confusing. Hopefully someone can understand and relate.
     
    #1 jaysean, Jun 17, 2016
  2. SemiTransDude

    SemiTransDude
    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Toronto
    Gender:
    Androgyne
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Hey JaySean,

    I'm 29 and studied psychology for quite a bit, and gone through a little bit of therapy myself. You might want to consider a cognitive-behavioural therapy tactic that has helped me in the past. It's great that you're able to recognize that this is a pattern because that makes this a lot easier.

    Try this: Next time you feel that feeling, write down the feeling and what you're doing (e.g., laying in bed wishing you had a boyfriend to cuddle with, but feeling sad that you don't have one), and then next to it write down the emotion and intensity you're feeling (e.g., 80% sad, 40% angry, 30% frustrated), and then next to that write down several possible alternative ways of looking at the situation (e.g., I don't have one now but one day I will and it'll feel great; e.g., I don't have one now but that doesn't mean I'll never have one; e.g., I don't have one now but doesn't mean I'm alone; e.g., my future boyfriend is there somewhere looking at the moon at the same time waiting for me (aw). And then next to that write down what action you can take that can replace your current unhelpful action (e.g., cuddle with a plush toy instead; e.g., do a guided meditation (there's a great free app called Calm); e.g., chat with a buddy or roommate if you're feeling lonely; e.g., take a walk). The more you do this exercise, you will form a new set of thought patterns and "habits" that will replace your existing ones, and studies have widely shown that these exercises also rewire your brain to reduce depression and anxiety symptoms overall. Neat, huh?? It worked for me!
     
    #2 SemiTransDude, Jun 17, 2016
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