The backstory: I've been talking to someone for about a month and a half now and we've spent quite a lot of time together. I usually go visit him at least 2-3 times a week. We get along very well but he's a super hard person to read. As such, I wrote him a letter to explain to him all of my feelings so that we actually have something to work with. If you would, can everyone with some time to spare read this letter and give me your thoughts. I've never done anything like this and I'd like some advice if only a little. Here's the letter. It's kind of long (a little over a page) so I uploaded it as a pdf to read: http://users.miamioh.edu/burgekm/Letter.pdf
Uguuuuu how did you fail English? Aside from a few spelling errors it's pretty good , from a literary point of view. Anyway! Back to the topic! My friends (straight female) recently received a letter like this (and it was about 4 times as long, so don't worry about it being too long). As coincidence would have it, I was writing an equally long letter to someone with basically the same thing you have written. This guy really liked sex and I had to do some soul-searching to just actually get over myself. Just as society has conditioned us to view heterosexuality as normal, so has it done so to make us think the only type of valid relationship is a monogamous one. If you do pursue an open relationship, pleaaaaase just use protection. Anyway, the worst that can happen is that he'll just reject you. If he's into sex a lot he probably gets a lot of mixed feelings from people so you won't be freaking him out that much I think. I think you should just send it quickly, then even if you regret it, you can't take it back. I'm still trying to find the courage to send my letter (problem is my guy wasn't available at the time I wrote it, and we can't currently have a long-term relationship due to living circumstances).
I think it's really cute! The letter itself is not as long or heavy as you think it is, and the thoughts are organized well in a very sincere and personal manner. The only concern I have is whether or not you are fully okay with having an open relationship. Have you discussed this before with him? Did he say that he can only have a relationship with someone who is okay with it? It seems that in this letter, you have already decided that open relationship is the way to go for the two of you, but maybe there's more to discuss. Just because someone likes casual sex, it doesn't mean they can't or don't want to be in a monogamous relationship. If I were you, I would probably just ask him to be his boyfriend and mention that I'm also willing to consider having an open relationship, but I probably wouldn't make that the focus of the letter, as it's a discussion for another time. However, I'm not sure what your relationship is with him at the moment, and what kind of discussions you've already had, so if you think this concern is irrelevant, feel free to ignore it. In any case, I think it's adorable, and I hope all goes well!
Well as someone who writes (novels, poetry, essays etc.) for fun I can tell you what I think-- firstly 90% of the letter was very good-- you articulated that very well-- but there are 2 things that need work-- the beginning that explains why your writing it-- it's much better to have a one or two sentence intro and get right to the point, otherwise you lose your audience's (Tyler) full attention-- it almost lost me reading it. The other thing is the second to last paragraph. This should be deleted entirely. It comes across as begging him not to leave you (which is needy ) giving him permission to leave you (which puts the blame on him because if he does want to leave you he is the final decision maker) and finally explains how everything you do, up to and including writing this letter is wrong (this comes across as telling him he should leave you) basically in one way to long sentence this paragraph is saying "I really love you and please don't leave me because I would be devestated, but it totally makes sense you'd want to leave me because I'm a mess, so you know it's your choice whether or not to leave me" Do you see the problems with this? Even if is not what you intended to say it IS how it comes across, and if it IS how you feel it's okay to feel it, but feeling that way is one thing-- expressing it in this letter is another-- also you should try to get past those feelings but that may not be possible, and of it is it will take a lot of time (years probably) and lot of work-- my recommendation is to delete this paragraph entirely, but if you really want to include it, at least rewrite it and do so VERY carefully-- that type of feelings can destroy a relationship-- romantic or platonic-- if this has seemed really harsh I apologize-- it's just really important to me to warn you about that paragrapH and those feelings-- they can destroy the strongest of friendships, and a romantic relationship would be even worse-- I speak from bitter experience -- please don't repeat my mistakes, I wish every day I. could undue things I said to my best friend (we're still friends, but our friendship was permanently altered in some undesirable ways) Back to the letter-- your much more likely to receive the reaction you want if you're confident (or at least appear confident) that you will receive it. This is because if you believe your doing the right thing, he is likely to assume it is the right thing as well. So to sum up-- seriously edit dwn the introduction, delete that one paragraph at the end, and do your best to be confident (both in the letter, but also when you see him to deliver/discuss it. I really hope I helped you, and I sincerely hope you and Tyler have a long and happy relationship. Good luck!
I think AlmostBlue and Tinuneth are pretty spot on and i would just echo what they say. I think AlmostBlue makes a great point when he mentioned the discussion of an open relationship. You can discuss an open relationship in the letter but its pretty clear you dont seem crazy about having one. Obviously i only know what you have said in your letter but is he definitely a person who thinks only open relationships will work for him? It almost seems like you're painting him as a very polygamous person. Could it be that he just like hooking up with guys cause hes not dating anyone? Regarding Tinuneths response. I think hes absolutely correct about cutting out that second to last paragraph. I was getting the same feeling that he was talking about when I was reading. It does almost seem like youre begging him and selling yourself short. You give him a bunch of "outs" throughout your letter, almost encouraging him to say hes not interested. To sum it up, i think you need to lose the second last paragraph, show some more confidence throughout the letter, and less about an open relationship. I think you can mention that as a possibility, let him know its something that you would consider and would like to talk to him about it (if hes not a monogamous person) in more depth, face-to-face. Otherwise, i think its a pretty well written letter and i think hed be a lucky guy if he decided to date you.
I really did not expect such in depth and thoughtful responses. Thank you all I knew when I'd finished the letter that I was pushing a "you're not monogamous" tone towards him and that is not what I wanted. I think I've adequately edited the letter so as to lessen that tone. And Tinuneth and onlythebulls13, thank you for pointing out the second to last paragraph. I included it precisely because I'm not a very confident person when it comes to relationships. I guess I was projecting my fears into the letter and I can see how that's not a good way to go. I feel pretty good now about the letter and I thank you all for providing me feedback. I think I'll probably ask him if he wants to go see Finding Dory and I'll give it to him after that haha. (For those who are interested, the updated version can be found here: http://users.miamioh.edu/burgekm/Letter2.pdf)
Nice job kyle. I think you did a great job. It gets to the point but gives some detail without being overwhelming. The only thing, (im so sorry, i hate being the guy that gives a complimentand then critiques something lol) theres something about your new second to last paragraph haha...yes im a second to last paragraph nazi haha.... you ask him what you can improve. It might be just me, and i think you should see if others agree or even if you agree but i dont think you should be saying that you need to be worked on while trying to ask a guy out. Maybe theres a more subtle way of saying it. Maybe start that paragraph by saying.... The only thing i ask of you in return is to always be honest with me and keep an open line of communication. Let me know if im being too shy and slow when it comes to showing affection..... (and continue where that leads off) Let me know what you think. Hope that helps, other wise, its a fabulous letter and you two are hopefully going to have a long and loving relationship. GOOD LUCK!
