Okay, just a forewarning: this might be a bit long. I'll make it as short as I can. Backstory: There is a girl that I've known for about 18 months now. We met online, and, as we live in different countries, we have never met in real life. Now, about a year ago, after talking to one another literally every day, we confessed that we "liked" one another but neither of us did anything about it: I can't say about her (except that she also liked a boy that she knew online), but for my own part, I didn't want an online relationship. But when she got a boyfriend about four months later - the same guy that she already liked - I got really jealous and we stopped talking as much. We've been slipping in and out of contact, now we're back in contact and talking quite a lot. Now, here's what's actually concerning me: a lot of things! I'm going to make a list for simplicity's sake. Hope you don't mind. - She said, at the time, that I was the first girl that she'd ever "liked". Make of that what you will, she may have been confused so any ideas would be great. - I go between liking and being extremely annoyed with her. Sometimes I'm so grateful to have her, but other times she can be ridiculously insensitive towards me (e.g. after I was extremely upset about the Orlando massacre and mentioned gun control, she started talking about how she loved her right to own a gun. Of course everyone is entitled to their opinion and I respect that, but come on, that was a little obtuse) and in addition, I don't know, maybe I still have repressed frustration/jealousy about the whole mess. - I still "like" her, I think. Maybe. As I said above, sometimes it feels like I don't, but I don't know how she feels about me. I still don't want an online relationship, besides, I don't know if she's still going out with the boy and I'm too afraid to ask. I don't even know if she wants to be around me anymore. - I'm starting to feel like she's avoiding me. We started watching a tv show a few months ago and we never finished it, but she's always busy or doesn't really reply when I bring it up? - Similarly, I always seem to be the one asking if she wants to hang out. I try not to push it - not only so that I don't annoy her, but also for the sake of my personal pride - but she never tries to arrange anything. - There are some aspects of her personality that kind of bother me. She fetishises gay men - I know that for a fact - yet seems uncomfortable with women who like women? In all fairness, that last part may just be my paranoia. I'm sorry for this incoherent babble, I'm tired and I have nobody to ask for advice on this. Thanks to anyone who actually read it! I guess my questions are - what should I do, and, do you think she's uncomfortable around me? Am I being too pushy? I know I should really be over her by now...
I'll offer advice as best as I can. Before I can say what you should do, I have to ask what do you really want out of this relationship with this girl. You said you don't want an online relationship. So if your attracted to this girl you already have a pretty big obstacle in front of you. I think you should discuss where you guys stand at the moment. You could subtlety ask how she and her boyfriend are doing. Based on what she says you could go on to ask how she feels about you. I can't say if she's uncomfortable around you. Its possible she really does like you but doesn't know how to deal with it, or maybe she's just busy. From what you said I wouldn't find you pushy. I think in any relationship, platonic or other, each party should make an effort to maintain said relationship. I also have a bit of a pride thing too, so that just might be me. To sum up what I'm trying to say. If you really see any future with this girl (romantically) you'll have to communicate honestly and a lot, especially with online ldr. Also I'd make sure you reach a place where she's willing to make that same commitment. If you just want to keep her as a friend, it comes down to what you want in a friendship. Either way, imo I think you should keep people in your life only if they truly want to be around you. They should inspire you, make you smile, and not cause unneeded stress and negativity. That's my 2 cents, as they say.
Thank you! Yeah, I'm a bit confused about how I feel about her, exactly. Sometimes I'm really happy to be around her, but other times, I think that I don't need her in my life at all and that I should just cut contact to make it less painful (except I know I'd regret it if I actually did that). I know I'm hard to deal with when I can't even say what I want, but I guess I just want to resolve my feelings and figure out how she feels, I guess. Okay, thanks for the suggestion on that! I've actually asked a few people about the whole boyfriend thing, and I still haven't got around to asking her because I'm too shy. I really should get on with it - I just always feel awkward bringing up serious topics with her - maybe because she always seems to say the exact opposite of what I want to hear. It's not that I have a problem with her disagreeing with me, not at all, it's more that we don't really share similar views outside of superficial things and I don't want to cause tension. Thanks for responding!
No problem! If anything I say (or type) actually helps anyone it's all good. I know what you mean about the confusion of feelings and tension. Had a few friendships like that in the past. Just keep trying to sort your feelings out, take the positives of the time spent with this girl, and try not to be too hard on yourself. G'luck!
As I was reading your post, an old history has come to my mind. Something similar happened to me like ten years ago and, in my case, some time later I realised that my interest in that girl was something more related to my need of having someone special than to my liking her actually. Why? Cause at the end I got to the conclusion that I didn't even like her, I just put up with a lot of her stuff just because it felt good when she actually paid attention to me, and made me feel somewhat special. I am not saying this is your case, but maybe you should ask yourself if this interest you have in her is really about this "unique" person, and not about having someone special on your life. Hope this makes sense, when I explain it in Spanish is way easier xD
Thanks again, PrettyInPunk. We have definitely had some good times together and she's making more of an effort now, so it's not so bad. To SpTara - you know, you might be right. I know that when we first met, she paid a lot of attention to me, and as I spent my highschool life in somebody else's shadow I was really flattered. Maybe I just craved the attention or something, I mean, we got on well - and still do - for a long time, whether we were around others or not, and on the surface she had the kind of personality that I'm attracted to (AKA the opposite of myself, outgoing and friendly) but when I looked deeper, I started seeing all of these things that I didn't like about her... Ugh. Perhaps the two of us are just good for a casual friendship. Thanks to both of you!
