Hey all! I've been mia and I do want to update yall since I took some advice after dragging my feet. So I have a history of same ol same ol about my crush who is also my friend. So we talked and (after she denied having any feelings for me, namely romantic or sexual feelings) my friend told me she was romantically interested in me, but not sexually...but then proceeding to say that she wasn't ready to invest the "emotional energy" necessary to carry on a relationship with me. That kinda pissed me off, not gonna lie. I backed off but did share my feelings as well. She seemed surprised, oddly enough,and kept saying she didn't think I was interested. Another confusing point of the conversation. Long story short, we have been trying to get along well enough but I know she has a crush on another girl and is hooking up with someone (both of which she says is going nowhere). She also inquired about my love life and go sort of jealous when our mutual male friend crashed at my place. She still kind of looks at us side ways when we interact. She says she loves me all the time and that she needs me to be patient with where she is, etc etc... I don't know what that means but I've concluded that I want a relationship and she doesn't so I'm going to move on? We are spending the summer apart so I don't think we will be communicating during that time and I'm moving away from my current apartment so we will have distance once we're in town together. Just wanted to update yall! Thanks again for all the support during this. I'm gonna go into this dating world more direct next time. I don't want to be this conflicted ever again lol
I never posed a question of can you be romantically interested and not sexually interested? She is extremely touchy with me, in public and private. She initiates 95% of our contact too. It's just confusing. I don't know how to tell the difference and have never had this told to me before
Sorry to hear that, but I think you are doing the right thing! I think a little bit of distance can help you two foster a healthier friendship. The separation of romantic and sexual attractions seems to be anecdotally true for many people. Just take a look at the "sexual and romantic orientation" forum here. However, it's also true that for some people grappling with their sexuality, they often allow themselves to feel romantic attractions and deny sexual attractions because society has conditioned us more to feel ashamed of sexual attractions than romantic ones. I do have a strong feeling that this is the case with your friend, and hopefully she will work through this and in the future can accept entirely her feelings. I don't think it's worth it to wait for that though. Being confused is one thing, but she has manipulated you and does not seem like a sincere person, to be honest. Sorry to say that about your friend.
It's just confusing because she's totally out. She's 1000% into women, so I'm not sure what her deal is... but that's not my problem. It does suck to feel manipulated. She keeps acting like she cares when I pull away and then I don't hear from her until she needs something. It's definitely a game to her and it sucks that it went from this genuine friendship to whatever nonsense she's up to. She pretends that she's given me this vulnerable side of her, but I honestly feel like she just wants to hook up and knows I won't just sleep with her since I'm not the hook up type of person. She referred to be as her "wife" at one point... which translated into "i can sleep with who I want, but my heart belongs to you" :eusa_naug:eusa_naug:eusa_naug:eusa_naug:eusa_naug I don't know, I guess it's my fault too for not calling it out because I was afraid of rejection. Turns out my standards are in existence and she doesn't want to do the work? It's interesting where I am right now emotionally. It hurts, for sure, especially since I gave so much emotional energy to this, but lesson learned: if I want something, say so. If I won't tolerated something: say so.
Hey yellow2002, Just wanted to tell you that I still follow your story. In all honesty, I cannot figure out your friend either. She´s all over you, but denies having any kind of feelings and then under some pressure admits she has feelings for you, but still not really sure and then she´s adamant that you are not interested (because how could you??!) and after that she goes back to being all over you. She sounds kind of messed up. I don´t think that she is purposefully playing with you, but she seems to have some issues to work on. Perhaps over the summer, the both of you will have the time to discover how important each one is for the other and whether or not you would like to pursue a relationship or just stay friends. In the meantime, take the opportunity to relax a little bit, ease your mind and enjoy yourself with some friends. I bet this whole thing has stressed you out quite a bit. Please keep us posted. (*hug*) ---------- Post added 21st Jun 2016 at 03:59 AM ---------- edit: The additional details you provided change our perspective a little bit. You seem to have made up your mind and I guess your choice sounds sensible. Was she always like that? Has her behavior changed over time? Have you ever discussed about her with any common friends? What do they have to say?
No, she wasn't. I think when I first started realizing how I felt, she was genuinely interested. I don't know if my oblivious nature or shyness made her switch something but she, since the whole drunken night, has become so strangeeeee. I really find myself questioning her authenticity. When I pull back though, she notices. She gets really upset about it. When we talked she brought up how hurt she was when I wouldn't text back or when I didn't hold eye contact, etc... She literally kept saying how badly she wanted me to look at her again, etc... It seemed so sweet and genuine...but then I think she has to have feelings for me too but she tells me she doesn't and disappears on me, but then gets upset when she hits me up and I don't reply. I don't understand. Now there's these girls she's crushing on/hooking up with... She literally has asked my permission to bring them to.group outings and I'm like...why are you asking me? And she just says she "feels" like she "has to." She's been a great friend up until that drunken incident and I have apologized, asked if she is comfortable around me, etc etc and she's always saying yes and yet our friendship has turned into an awkward mess that is so terribly tangled up in this pseudo romance. I just want to.leave it alone to.protect my own heart, ya know?
Disclaimer: I have not followed this thing from the beginning, so the information in this thread is what I am going by. It seems like your friend is taking advantage of you whether she is doing it knowingly or not. She seems to want her cake and eat it too (leaving that pun alone today), and you have been letting her do that until now by forgiving her as soon as she gives you the attention she should be showing you all the time. It is definitely a good idea to distance yourself and set some boundaries, you are doing the right thing here. Do not let her pull you back by making you feel guilty. Personally in this situation I would have a talk with her and tell her exactly why you need your space and cannot be around her at this time, but you do not owe her even that if you do not feel like it. If you do it, it would probably be best to send her an e-mail so she can't get defensive and start a fight while you are telling her. You just want to get the message across without drama. Obviously do not respond to whatever she sends back or she will pull you right back in. It is hard to cut out a friend, it is all that much harder to cut out a friend you have feelings for, but you are right that you need to do it for your heart. Take care of it and save it for someone who deserves it.
Yeah, I'm sure this is the case. I'm so bad at being objective when she gets all emotional. But yeah, I'm over it. I love her as a friend and I'm not sure how to sever that connection without drama since we have such a tight circle of friends :/ It's awkward no matter what but i think I'll do the email since it's quick
It is even worse when you are in the same circle of friends. Drama is pretty much unavoidable in that case. :/ You are still doing the right thing and I hope your friends can support you in this and not become cliquey or pick sides. Do they know about everything that has been going on between you and your friend?
Nope, they don't. They know we're close and have commented on our flirty behavior but not any of the real drama... It's hard to really be that open in a tight group. But again, she openly discusses her hook ups but not me :/ it's just awkward anyway. Even when we weren't speaking for a time, she never told anyone. Even her bff in the group didn't know we were having a hard time until she witnessed our awkwardness like a month into our drama...idk what that's about
Random sidenote: she never attempted to say goodbye to me.. Not a word about my departure. I really do want to not care but that sucks. Not even a text saying good luck.
