Ok, so, this is going to be long XD But please please help! I have to say I’m 20 now, finishing 2nd year of Uni... So first I want to say I don’t feel too good emotionally in any case... My father died two months ago and I’m left with only my mother with whom I don’t get along well at all... She used to criticise me all the time when I was younger and insult me and we used to fight a lot, now we’re kinda okay but I still think she’s selfish and I hope I’ll be able to move... So that’s that, I basically feel like I’m alone familywise, like I have no one. And as far as friends are concerned, I guess I’m okay, I’m introverted and have a mild social anxiety I think, but I think people sometimes don’t even notice that. Idk... And yeah, back to the current problem, there was this girl in my class in high school, and she stayed here for a year, before she moved another country, let’s call her Marie. And so during that time we were friends and there was this other girl Inna that was also our friend. And Inna had a boyfriend at that time, I think she still does, but I haven’t talked to her for a year or so... After some time I noticed Inna and Marie were were close, like more than friends, and Inna is very flirty and feminine, Marie more tomboyish but passive. So slowly I noticed when we hung out Inna was kissing Marie’s neck and they were hugging all the time, sometimes I teased them, telling them they were dating... And both of them kind of seemed in love and were teasing me all the time, I guess I was socially awkward back then... But I didn’t think about them that much I guess... I didn’t think of myself as gay at that time really, it was all kinda new to me... But I knew I liked Marie, I wasn’t sure in which way though... And I was staring at her a lot, but I never made any move on her or flirt or anything... So later, after the school year ended and Marie went to another country, I kind of stopped talking to her. And then at the beginning of the next school year we started talking via email and since I’m very introverted actually I think that was when I really started liking her... I felt a connection... Lol, how I wish I hadn’t. But I never told anybody.. And so a few months later Inna tells me she’s in a relationship with Marie... So that struck me weird as fuck, cause she had a boyfriend and also I’ve never known of any gay relationship in rl. And I smiled and pretended everything was normal... I guess I don’t like showing feelings or vocing my opinions when I’m not close to someone... And so at that point I realised that I wished I was the one who was in a relationship with Marie XD But I guess I never showed it, I tried not to, for the next two years she sometimes came back to our country for a month or more, sometimes less, and she always hung out with Inna and didnt have time for me... Even though I was always the one helping her with school while she was living here and listening to her problems and I never hurt her in any way. And at one point she started complaining about Inna... She’s pretty reserved and rarely opens up to anyone, so I was at least happy she trusted me as a friend... So she wrote me how she was hurt Inna cheated on her and how she was upset about her having a boyfriend.. And Marie constantly talked and tweeted about Inna. And I think Inna even lied to her about her boyfriend, I knew she had a boyfriend during the whole time she was dating Marie, I even remember her worrying she might be pregnant once... While her boyfriend didn’t ever find out about Marie... Hell, I even rmmbr one time we were sitting in a cafe and there was Marie there, and Inna and her bf were kissing... And I always kind of hoped that Marie would start liking me, but she never did, she even forgot my birthday twice and was negative towards me, I guess she just got worse... And she started drinking and now she’s stopped but does weed every day. And so idk, I don’t even remember, at one point I think Marie and Inna broke up for good... And I also forgot to mention, Marie and I often stopped talking for a few months at a time cause I was mad at her and hurt and wanted to stop being friends... Like I remember being so heartbroken, I feel so sorry for my previous self now, if that makes any sense. And feeling so unworthy... But Marie always ended up contacting me again and again and again and I couldn’t resist starting to talk to her again, I always thought she’d change.. But like even from her tweets I could see she was obsessed with Inna and she was talking about her all the time... And constantly asking for my advice and telling me how she’s heartbroken. So in the end, I guess that was two years ago, I decided to tell her how I felt about her and since I knew that she would never like me I also asked her that we stopped talking for good.. She was a bit weird, she always is and told me how I should’ve told her earlier and some nonsense about not giving up on friends... And she was the one always giving up on me and never giving a crap about me... So we stopped talking then, but after say 3-4 months she contacted me again... And yeah, I was an idiot so we continued sending each other emails sometimes, just talking about regular uni stuff.. And then she started contacting me less and less and even missed my birthday again.. But before that I told her at one point I didn’t like her anymore... So we didn’t talk to each other for about six months again I guess she contacted me and even replied to the email in which I told her I liked her from like more than a year ago... And told me how she started thinking about me and then started reading old emails and blah blah... Actually the only reason I replied to that email was because the girl from uni who I started liking a lot found a girlfriend and I felt heartbroken again. And let’s call that girl from uni Kate. I know for sure Kate is bi and I think she knows about me too. I still like Kate a bit, and at one point I though she liked me back, she was so shy when I tried talking to her twice at uni and she kept liking my facebook posts and idk, I was so happy someone finally liked me back and excited that I might finally be in a relationship with someone, but because we were both shy months passed and then I foud out about her gf (now she’s single again but nvm)... So yeah I guess I feel sad about that too, I hesistated and I did overthink everyhting and idk... Yeah, here we go again, I’m an idiot XD So yeah I felt lonely and started talking to Marie again, as I said, about 5 months ago, but this time I was sure I was not going to start liking her again. So I guess we talked every once in a while, she didn’t mention Inna except for once and told me she was over her... I felt like she was even flirting with me a bit, asking me to visit her and making plans about when she comes here... But I really shrugged it off, knowing her and how I shouldn’t trust anything she says... So finally, the present, Marie came back to my country for about two months, she arrived about two weeks ago... And since then we hung out once and it was kinda meh... She doesn’t really talk much and likes to tease people a lot.. And she even left early because apparently she had to go... And after that I realised I still liked her a lot and wanted to be with her... But I also found out almost for certain that she’s still in love with Inna, that thing with Inna has been going on for 5 years, it’s even weird to me... Like she’s gonna like Inna for the rest of her life. And she even started asking me about relationships, like weren’t they supposed to be selfless and why people get jealous... And how couldn’t understand why she felt jealous before. I felt like she was kind of trying to excuse Inna from cheating and make it okay... She didn’t mention her but I knew she was asking because of her... And on whatsapp I saw they are usually online at the same time... And I don’t even know if Inna still has a bf or not, but still. I feel betrayed and screwed over again. And I know it’s kind of largely my fault. But I can’t understand how people can lead each other on like that and how Marie uses me when Inna doesn’t care about her... And I kind of feel miserable, everyone is getting into relationships, and I’ve never even kissed anyone and the girl I like will never like me and the other girl I liked, Kate, I think she doesn’t like me anymore, I’m now not even sure if she liked me in the first place... And I don’t really feel like going to parties to find anyone, when I’m not over anything... And I constantly criticise myself why did I allow myself to obsess over Marie again... And I wasted about three years thinking about her and her and Inna... I can’t stop my thoughts... I feel so inferior to everyone and idk... Somehow I want to stop talking to Marie again, but idk what to say, she does’t know I still like her and I don’t want to tell her... And I kind of want to let her know I know she still likes Inna but then again she’d probably get angry and deny it... And she even told me she would let me know when we would hang out again after the first time, but she hasn’t, so she probably still is with Inna... And they probably sleep together again. I hate myself so much for getting into this situation, like I’m not living my own life but someone else’s, and even when we were in the same school I felt like I was their third wheel... And I sometimes even want to seek revenge, like say something that would hurt Marie, but I know that’s stupid... Idk how to get out of this situation with dignity and I’m not sure I’ll stop thinking about her unless I stop talking to her as well... And I just sit here and wonder how people can be so inconsiderate and selfish, I’d never lead someone on like that... And I’m constantly asking myself why... Why did I let her screw me over again... :bang: And my birthday is soon, I actually hope she would forget it, so I can have an excuse to stop talking to her, but this time forever... So yeah, if anyone finished reading this, thank you very much, I fell much better now that I wrote everything down... I just feel so alone, like I have nobody to talk to, I find it hard telling my friends about my dad, let alone my non-existent love life... So yeah, thanks again, any advice is welcome
