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Came out: Family thinks they can "heal" me

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by oneday, Jun 22, 2016.

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  1. oneday

    oneday
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    Hi guys,

    So I am finally out to all of my family, half of which are extremely Christian (born again Christians). Their attitude is "to love me" but not accept my gay identity or my partner, who I've been with for nearly four years. They believe that being gay means that I am possessed by an evil spirit that they can cast out of me with prayer, leading to eventual healing.

    How do I move forward? These family members all know that I obviously object to their opinions but they still believe we can have a relationship and intend to treat me like nothing has changed...but in my mind, everything's changed. Do I cut off all communication? Or just visit them once in a while and shut them down if the conversation of their beliefs comes up? Not sure what to do.
     
    #1 oneday, Jun 22, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2016
  2. Fighter694

    Fighter694
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    Love them, never stop loving them. Try to convince your mother with all the scientific proof you can gather. Take them to an lgbt friendly psychiatrist. Put them in touch with PFLAG, probably find parents who have been through the same situation. Educate them in general. Give them time.
    But most importantly hold your ground! Dont let them get to you.Make it very clear that this isnt a choice and it can't be changed. Tell them that you will not attend any exorcism or reparative therapy and since god has made you this way, you are going to live this way!
    While you are giving them time, dont cut them off completely. Keep showering love. If they start forcing you into doing things or talking you into getting healed. Tell them you will stop visiting if they continue doing so. Even when you do stop visiting, give them a call now n then. If they talk about healing tell them that you are going to hang up n do it. Basically show that you care for them n want them in your life but you wouldnt adhere to their false believes.
    Most importantly tell them how much you love them.
    Maintain a belief that they will eventually come along n someday they might actually will. Eventually you will anyway learn to be without them. Those who truly love you will come along!
     
    #2 Fighter694, Jun 22, 2016
  3. Chip

    Chip
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    This is a challenging situation and I don't think it's one that should lead to a quick answer.

    A lot depends on your own priorities as far as those family members and what you and your partner want. One approach, if their acceptance is key, is to send a heartfelt letter and tell them that while you understand their view, it is not one you accept or agree with, and that is likely to impact your ability to have a relationship with them. Invite them to have a conversation and see if there is any opening to their changing their view. (You would be surprised... Sometimes the most bigoted, ignorant, hardcore Christians can come around when the alternative is losing their child. )

    You might also ask them to watch one of Matthew Vines' videos with you, or get them his book. He is a respected Biblical scholar whose interpretations have changed a lot of minds and sparked a lot of conversations.

    And then... Depending on their response, you can make your choice.

    The nice thing about this option is it doesn't close doors immediately and shows your willingness to try to resolve it.

    Of course... Anything you do you should balance what's important to you. These situations are heartbreaking for everyone and so try to think about it in those terms for them as well as how it is impacting you.
     
    #3 Chip, Jun 22, 2016
  4. oneday

    oneday
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    Thank you guys for your advice. I so very much appreciate all of you that make this forum the great community that it is. I was in a dark place for so many years and due to my complicated circumstances, felt like I never could come out to my family...and I finally have, thanks to all of the support I've received here and elsewhere.

    I have purchased a book for my Dad, which I think may help. I forget the title but it's by Susan Cottrell. I am planning to read it first though. I also have the great Matthew Vines book and may pass that along to family as well. Thankfully my Mom is on my side and has been for a couple of years after a long journey of trying to reconcile her beliefs with my identity. Although it is my Dad and the rest of my family who I've only come out to recently and I found out that specific family members are trying to influence my Dad's stance on this whole thing. Since it's so difficult for him and very new (it's been less than a week), these unaccepting family members are having an easy time changing his initially somewhat neutral opinions to completely unacceptable altogether...in fact, it appears he's joined them in their mindset of denial.

    Knowing these specific family members, I know they may try to pray for me by laying hands on me and/or may try to debate me...which I've already made very clear I will not tolerate. They're extremely pushy and passionate with their Christian beliefs, so I feel it may be very unlikely we will ever have any dialogue and it may be impossible to change their views...since they believe 100% of the Bible is true and they are uncompromising on that (ie. there's no room for alternate interpretations like Matthew Vines' teachings). They believe those words are literal. So I may just have to make peace with it and make peace with loving them mostly from a distance. Thank God that 50% of my family is still accepting and supportive. :slight_smile:
     
    #4 oneday, Jun 23, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2016
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