This is my story. My english sucks so bare with me please. A few years ago I fell in love with a guy. After a few months of flirting he finally admitted he was in love with me too. This was the start of a loving and caring relationship, altough it was a secret one. Same-sex realtionships are not well tolerated in my country. After about a year and a half we kinda moved together. I say "kinda" because it was in a dorm room(we're both in college). That means we were 4 guys living in one room, so we couldn't do relationship stuff whenever we wanted. From here, it was all downhill. While living together, he started drifting apart from me. At first, I thought it was only my imagination but after a few months I confronted him and had a very sincere talk. He basically told me that he doesn't love me anymore because living together was too much for him. Apparently he felt obligated to do everything with me, so I wouldn't get upset. He felt he couldn't leave me at home and go out with his friends and stuff like that. He felt I was suffocating him, although I never expressed any wish to do everything together. He felt trapped. He said he doesn't know how to talk to me anymore because I already know everything he's doing because we live together. He also said that he hates feeling this way and that he wants things to be as they were, but doesn't know how to do that. Now he cares about me more than a friend would, but doesn't love me anymore. A few days ago, I graduated from college and went back home, in another city(so we lived together for about 9 months). I'm going to return where I went to college to work there in about 6 months. We're still together now, but it's not even a relationship. He rarely texts and he's very indifferent. Also, a few months ago when I was still in college we got a new roomate, a handsome one. He told me likes the way he looks a lot but that his personality is a turn-off. Let's say I believed him, altough I have my doubts. After our big talk he said we needed to get rid of the word "relationship" so he can start feeling free again. So we stopped calling it a relationship. We decided to stay together during this time of 6 months of not seeing eachother, in hope that distance will fix this. Do you guys think we can get passed this? That after six months of being apart he can get back to being in love with me? Am I too naive for thinking a little freedom is all he needs?
I would advise you to move on. You deserve somebody who loves you fully and without such restrictive conditions. It sounds like he is stringing you along and just not interested.
I'm preparing to do just that, but it's exhausting just to think about it. He's my first boyfriend and my first love. I still love him deeply, despite everything that's happened. And the hardest part is that I still remember how we were in our first year and a half. So freaking happy, not a care in the world. He was my everything and I was his everything. I desperately want to go back to those times. AAAAARRGGHHH this is so frustating! Thank you for your answer
I feel that the lack of privacy makes (made) your relationship feel less authentic. Living in secret without people supporting you might have created a source of doubt and uncertainty in whether what you had was real. The fact that he felt bound to you is also probably due to this restriction. Not being able to express his feelings freely when you two were together constrained him to recover in other ways, in this case spending every minute with you. Intimacy is very important for a relationship to feel comfortable. Therefore, in the future, consider getting a place of your own that you could share with your boyfriend alone. You got me thinking of how I'm going to cope with this whole thing once I get to college myself. This country is a real bitch when it comes to accepting less standard couples, ugh. I'm just curious, what bachelor's did you graduate in university?
On the contrary, I think this whole hell would've happened sooner if we got a place of our own. He told me from the very start that he doesn't like the idea of a relationship/marriage but still went with it for almost two years. I think I took things too seriously too fast for him. For him, "kinda" living together took the spark out of our relationship. Being together 24/7(and in one small room), seeing my face all day long, eating with me, watching movies with me. Even myself, in my lovestruck state, felt some boredom and routine at times. I finished Medschool.
I'm inclined to agree with andimon that the specifics of your living situation in the 4-person dorm room contributed to where things are at now. Not necessarily because of issues with living next to each other 24/7, but because the lack of privacy probably made it difficult to talk openly with each other about your feelings, and to negotiate a kind of schedule for living together (date nights, non-date nights, whose space is where, etc.). If you want to pursue things with him, I would say that an open and honest conversation is needed at this point. Distance will not solve anything on its own - in a way, if this contributes to a lack of, or slower, communication, it will only present the same issues as before. Not that distance, especially in the short term with a clear end date where you two live in the same place again, can't be overcome - it certainly can in those circumstances. But it's also not a band-aid. Assuming you guys do try to work something out, I think that separate places for now would be best, from what you describe. So, if he's willing to talk and figure out a way forward together, then go for it! Of course, on the other hand, it sounds like he's being pretty clear that he's not ready for a relationship. If that's the case, then there's no way to convince him otherwise. The only thing to do is respect his decision and his feelings and move forward with your own life. I also have to agree with Mindful here - if he's just not interested, then it would be more fulfilling for you to find someone who is. It's always hard moving on from a relationship, especially the first...but if it's just not working out, then it's not working out. I hate to say that, but I'd also hate to see you spend the next year holding on to the idea that at some point this guy might decide to give you a second chance, only to see it not happen.
You shed some hope on my situation. He was in relationships before, but more casual than ours. They never texted(because of secrecy) and only met up every few days. I think my overly-commiting attitude was too much for him. What also gives me hope is that he's trying to fix this. Others could've broken up with me when they saw things aren't working anymore. We do communicate. On facebook, not ten feet from eachother. But it always came down to this: I keep him from doing the things that he like. Anyway, if we're still together when I go back to him, I'll definetely live on my own for a while and see how things are going. At one point, he was willing to move in with me in an apartment, but only because I would work and he would have suff to do and not get bored(cook, clean... he likes the idea of a home very much), and that we would only see eachother at night. On the other side, there's something in the back of my head that says "I loved living with him, even in that crappy dorm room with all the boredom and routine. It was enough for me that he was there. Why didn't he feel the same?" Thank you so much for taking the time to answer!
