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Heartbroken - we don't want the same thing

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Mariana, Jun 28, 2016.

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  1. Mariana

    Mariana
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    I really hope the person this is about doesn't read this. But what are the chances, right?

    So here's the deal: I've been dating this woman for a bit and now it's over. That doesn't sound dramatic but if feels awful. We had been friends for quite some time before we realised that we'd both had feelings for each other for a long time. We started going on dates and I was so happy because I thought this was going to work out, just how I had secretly dreamed for months.

    Sadly, it turns out we don't want the same thing. I want a monogamous relationship. She doesn't want a relationship at all. She wants the freedom to date as many people as she wants at the same time and do with them whatever she wants. I'm not judging her for that - what she wants is just as valid as what I want.

    I'm really heartbroken, though. I completely understand that, logically, the things she wants and the things I want don't match. There is no compromise that could work. Maybe I could live with an open relationship but that's not an option because that would still be a relationship and she doesn't want that.

    I'm incredibly sad because I find it so hard to understand that I have feelings for her and she has feelings for me but we can't be together because we don't want the same thing. I don't know how to get over this, over her. We're still friends and I'm hoping that we can still hang out and enjoy each others company.

    I'm in love with her. I don't just have a thing for her or a crush on her, I'm genuinely in love with her and I'm really, really hurt.
     
    #1 Mariana, Jun 28, 2016
  2. Gravity

    Gravity
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    I'm sorry to hear this - it's especially painful to end a relationship when it's clear that you both still care about each other.

    One thing I'll suggest, though, is that if you are still at the point where your feelings for her are very strong, then spending time around her as a friend might not be a good idea for now. It can seem like a mature thing to try to do, but the reality is that it's a constant reminder of the loss, and mixing friendliness into things only makes it all the more likely that someone's feelings will continue to get hurt, as the potential for mixed signals and misunderstandings is very, very high.

    I would suggest taking some time apart, getting your feet back on the ground emotionally, and then re-evaluating how you feel about being friends with her at that point (could be a month later, several months, it all depends on when you're ready), before you get back in touch (if that's what you decide).
     
    #2 Gravity, Jun 28, 2016
  3. resu

    resu
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    Yes, it sounds like you may need some alone time, even if she is wanting to remain friends because she probably doesn't realize how much you want an exclusive relationship.

    Take this as a lesson learned. She is not your only chance at a relationship, so you can find someone else who shares some of her best traits while also being more compatible. However, at this point, being single may be the best antidote for your woes. Is there anyone you can talk to about your feelings? Sometimes it helps to just vent to a friend/relative.
     
    #3 resu, Jun 28, 2016
  4. Mariana

    Mariana
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    Thanks for replying.

    I haven't seen her since things ended but that's probably because that was only a few days ago. I've thought about not seeing her for a while but I don't really want that. I think not seeing her at all would hurt more than hanging out as just friends. Maybe I'm wrong about that but I want to at least try.

    I have a couple of people I can talk to but they agree there's nothing that can be done.

    I'm fairly sure that this will hurt for quite a while but I'm trying to keep busy and distract myself as much as I can. I wish I could change what I want and keep dating her on her terms, but I just can't and I know that dating her with no chance of getting what I want (a relationship) would be incredibly stupid because I would just get hurt over and over again.
     
    #4 Mariana, Jun 29, 2016
  5. resu

    resu
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    Only you know if you are able to be friends without stirring the heartbroken feelings. Make sure to tell yourself it's okay to take a break if things get worse.

    Also, try and force yourself to do things on your own or with other friends, to make you feel more independent. You can't change your behavior overnight, so take baby steps like maybe going for a performance or going to some natural area you enjoy.
     
    #5 resu, Jul 4, 2016
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