Hello everyone, I haven't posted on here in while, but I was hoping to get some advice. I'm out to my mother, but I never got to verbally come out to my father. He knows that I'm gay (at least I'm assuming). I deduced this from statements that he would make that were sort of supportive of gay people along with the fact that he knows that I'm subscribed to Out and The Advocate (he had seen them). Recently I had been out with my parents, and on the cardrive home he started talking about people he had seen in Walmart, and he mentioned this one women and stated the she looked like a "d*ke". My mother told him to stop, and I was kind of in shock, as just a week before he had made a negative statement about a religious figure who made homophobic comments about the Orlando shooting. I'm ashamed to admit that I didn't say anything, and I feel like I coward for it. I want to know how to address him, as the first thing that would jump into my mind if he did it again would be blurting out "What the f*ck" and getting angry and cussing. I was hoping that maybe I could get some advice about how I could phrase my response to him more eloquently.
First of all, you're not a coward. You just haven't gotten to a point where you can have that conversation with your dad. To that end - but also for your own benefit - I think it might be time to actually tell him, even if he already knows. Acknowledging it openly will make it easier to talk to him about things like this (and otherwise) in the future, assuming it even happens again, but more to the point it will make it easier for you two to interact. Plus, since you've gotten so much evidence that he suspects/knows already, and he's been saying mostly supportive things (this example notwithstanding), it seems like a fairly safe bet.
One thing I've learned from having a homophobic parent is that nine times out of ten, if they are talking the way you say your dad is that you cannot change him from being homophobic. I have to ask ....how old are you?? Do you live with your parents? If any of these are the case then if you still live with your parents and cannot afford to move out on your own then perhaps it would be best if you did not come out to him and maintain being somewhat in the closet until you obtain such independence to move forward on your own. During your verbal exchanges with your dad, you can pretty much tell if you come out to him directly, will it cause a lot of tension and drama within the home between the two of you. This could go either way and you have to consider the fact that you are living in their home if that's the case. As much as the gay movement has made great strides in society, however, homophobia seems to be more relevant as if we are living back in the past. Therefore, in regard to my family situation, I come to understand that they are whom they are and there is nothing I could do to change that. Nonetheless, I was able to move on my own and gain my own independence where I can live my life according to the way I choose to without their criticism. Just putting out some things you should consider if they applies to your situation.
Yeah, what I do, which may work for you, is that I tell them the topic is off-limits if they still want me to be in their family. Me and my dad agreed not to talk about my gender identity, because even though he means well, he says some ignorant things about my identity (such as how I can't stay with people of a certain gender because I'm nonbinary) so we've agreed not to talk about it anymore. It may be worth trying, especially if you're financially dependent on them for school or whatever.
I don't mean to come to his defense, but one thing I've begun to notice is that most old men are very stubborn or can take a long time to change away from their old way of talking/thinking. He sounds like he cares about you and he's trying to be supportive. Maybe he's even ignorant of the fact that words like 'd*ke' are taboo for people outside of the community to use. As has been said, it could be worth telling him directly about you and how comments like the one that he made in the car can and did hurt you.
