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Fighting in a relationship

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by MerBear, Jun 28, 2016.

  1. MerBear

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    So me and my girlfriend have been butting heads for the last month. We've been together for only three months but this past month, I have been trying to find a new job. And I've been accepting the money she's been giving me to get by with bills ontop of trying to find a job. And I've been more the grateful but this past month our fights have been getting brutal. And I have a lot anger problems so it's not helping.

    Weve been fighting lately over jusf petty things. Like if she gave me an attitude for no reason or if she like did something and it made me mad. And how we've fought lately is different to how we use to. First off we didn't fight as much and second of all, we would end making up and being okay again. And we wouldn't be petty.

    But mainly it's me. Yesterday, she was being really mean to me around her friends at this organization that she was in. Like she yelled at me to get into the pool but I didn't want to just jump into the pool and then she said she's never inviting me to the organization again because I didn't agree with one of their rules (they had to cover up their tops because it makes them 'prone' to getting raped)

    And she got mad at me for that and she was yelling at me the whole time and I didn't say anything and I tried telling her when we were outside but she wasn't paying attention to me at all and I was being really calm about it So when I left I texted her and told her she was a complete bitch to me and I didn't appreciate it. And then I was syaing how we are different and what not but I don't ever give her up because she's opposite from me.

    This past month, every time we fought, she would say "maybe we should break up" or "I'm done" and it's made me upset because I don't want to lose her and every time I ask why she says that, she would say because she feels she is just hurting me and last night's fight...she said she wanted to stay but I feel bad because she told me how I've hurt her by the name calling and the yelling

    And I grew up in a very violent environment. My whole family would be screaming at each other and called each other names and I watch my sister beat my mom and I would never lay a finger on my girlfriend but it's hard to just stop the yelling and the name calling because I don't know what it's like to manage your anger well.

    And I've been working on a lot of things. Recently, I've stopped telling her my opinion on the organization, and just listened to her and also I've tried to not yell at first when I get on the phone even though it slowly builds up inside of me.

    But I would like some tips on managing anger and trying to change my ways?

    I don't mean to call her names or yell, I really don't. I love my girlfriend to death and I want to make this work more anything in the world. It's just hard...

    So if anyone has any tips, I would appreciate it
     
  2. MerBear

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  3. SpaceOddity

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    Hi,

    Since no one has said anything I'll try to offer some advice to you. I used to have a terrible time controlling my anger and have said and done some terrible things because of it. I learned the hard way.

    Let me start off by saying resorting to name calling is not okay. It shows disrespect and it's hurtful. Forget about sticks and stones, words do have serious impact especially in relationships. They have serious resounding consequences and I think you owe her an apology for that.

    If you're like me and your anger is triggered and you feel your face get hot and you want to lash out, just stop and think. What I do is I say simply, I don't want to talk right now, let me calm down. Because I know when I have been triggered, I can and sometimes will say things that I don't mean and I can't take those things back once they've been said.

    She also owes you an apology for saying she wants to quit and break up. Running away from your problems doesn't solve anything. Your past will always come back to haunt you if it is not dealt with.

    The thing about anger is remember to breathe, think, and remember that words do have consequence. It can be tough because of the household you were raised in and it may seem sort of normal for that behaviour, but it isn't okay. Essentially, it is a form of abuse if it carries on and is intense enough. In your case though I wouldn't say that it is but I have been in situations where I have seen couples fight and name calling has resorted to the loss of life.

    Don't be afraid to share your opinions with her. Don't be afraid to be open with her. You SHOULD be open with each other about everything. If you're afraid to say, do or share something, there lies a problem within and it has to be dealt with. Sit down with her and discuss this calmly as possible. Admit both your faults and both your praise. Don't just focus on the negative in your conversation that I hope you both will have, also look to the good side so she can see what you can move towards and what you can make grow.

    I hope I helped even just a little bit.
     
    #3 SpaceOddity, Jun 30, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 30, 2016
  4. MerBear

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    I appreciate it. Yeah, I'm better now. I know it's not right to call her name and it hurts her and I've apologized. It just when I'm angry, I black out.. So I'll try to Work on mantaining my anger.

    I really do love and I don't mean to hurt her and I don't want to hurt her. I'm trying my best because I'm planning on moving down there in less than 10 months so.. I want to work on things. And make our relationship better
     
  5. Shorthaul

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    I also have struggled with anger, near instant fuse on lots of things. Admitting it was a problem didn't help, going to see someone about it has been helping. Everyone is different so what works for one person might not work for you.

    Also the two of you need to sit down, face to face and be honest with each other. And this will be the hard part, admit you have made the mistakes you have. Apologize for the yelling and name calling. Point out all of the good things you each see in the other.

    Relationships aren't 50/50 they are 100/100.
     
  6. MerBear

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    Yeah I know. We kind of got into a disagreement again. But this time I didn't call her names and I didn't yell at her at all. But she got frustrated with me and said that she doesn't want to do this anymore. I was trying to explain to her how I felt and she kind of took it as me putting all this pressure on her but I wasn't. I was just trying to explain why I was upset.

    She said she doesn't want this anymore but here's the problem. I have flaws, relationships aren't perfect, and I've changed a lot of my bad habits over the course of us dating and it seems like it's not good enough for her.

    We were fine until I quit my job and then it just got more complicated. I'm not perfect and I'm trying my best to be better person every day for myself and the people around but what I have a problem with is she gives up so easily and doesn't try to see through how far I've come.

    I acknowledged that she's trying to and I listen to her more but now it's like the more I better myself, the more she's just saying no to

    I'm not perfect and I don't think I should try to be. I accept her flaws and love her all the same even when she's being difficult but now ever since I haven't been able to find a job and things have been more hard on us, she doesn't do the same

    I sometimes feel she wants me to this really happy positive person who doesn't get frustrated with things and that's not who I am. I'm not upbeat and positive but I fight every day to stay strong and see through the hardships.

    It just hurts that I'm fighting so hard to be this person she wants and just manage my bad habits and it's not good enough.
     
  7. PrettyinPunk

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    You're correct, people aren't perfect, relationships aren't always perfect. Relationships should be functional though. Imo communication with your partner is the best thing you can do to maintain a healthy relationship. This means a two way street. If your giving 70% and your girlfriends only giving 30% I doubt things will last.

    It's great that you've changed your bad habits and aim to better yourself. I think you get it already but when you make these changes they have to be for you, nobody else. Flip side of this is your girlfriend needs to make the same changes for herself. If it's just to make you two work it'll most likely cause more stress.

    Also I don't intend to offend you but there's a difference between having flaws and just not trying/cooperating. I know your both pretty young but maybe you could try couples counseling?