When I came out, I headed off the "you're going to Hell" talk. In retrospect, it probably saved me a lot of hurtful communication, and I'm glad for that. My family is very Catholic, and...well, that generally explains it. The thing is, I don't feel respected, which is what they say that you should treat queer people as. Mom asked if I was going to "continue this behavior" after I married my fiance (male), and she added something else that made it sound like I was going to have torrid affairs and hurt him. I wrote back, saying that I wasn't going to hurt him and tried explaining why that was so. I linked some article that explained that bisexual women often ended up with men anyhow, but she hasn't responded. My dad is silent. See, I know it was mom because it came from her phone, but I'd sent the coming-out letter that I wrote via email because snail mail is literally snail-mail. I'd sent it to the family email address. I wished my dad a happy father's day, I think maybe nearly a week later, and he said absolutely nothing. Last year--and I added salt on my wound to see whether or not I was right, scrolling through texts--he said thanks and talked a bit about their plans, y'know, added "love, dad". See, I knew it was going to hurt. I just...didn't realize that it'd hurt this much. I don't know what to do with the hurt. It hangs out in my heart, stabbing me when I least expect it. My brother is a different story. I came out to him last year by saying "hey, would you mind looking over this paper for me? I'm writing it for a competition". Yeah, the paper? It was about the ethics on coming out. So, in reading the paper, well... and, when I emailed my siblings to tell them after I'd emailed my parents, he replied to a recent email that I'd sent about schoolwork and ended it with "love, [name]". His wife sent me a text inviting me to their baby shower. I came out a few days after the Pulse shooting. It was driving me nuts, not being able to share my feelings on Facebook, and I realized that, like, those people at Pulse were at a bar, just like I'd wanted to later in the week. I wanted to force myself to go to the 'gay' district (is it rude to call it that?), to--to feel less alone, to try to make friends, to be surrounded by people that might actually understand me for a change. And then the shooting happened. And... I just wanted to be honest, after that. Being able to share more news about the aftermath, more information, felt wonderful. I could actually say what I wanted to say. Anywayz, I bought a shirt that says "One Pulse. Peace. Love. Orlando. Strong.", and I'm planning on wearing it to the baby shower because nearly my whole immediate family will be there. My best friend and also my fiance call it "collecting data" because, while I've been assuring them that my family are being idiots, they don't believe as much. My eldest-youngest sister was hilarious/not really. She was all "we're totally still sisters!" and then her next paragraph was all "but don't act on your feelings". I still haven't answered her email. How do you say "I'm not entirely Catholic anymore, and I don't appreciate you telling me what to do with my sex life" politely? but I don't want to just drop the conversation, either. I guess I'm still puzzling out what to say. My baby sister hasn't said a word to me. She liked a comment that I made on her husband's picture once, but, other than that, it's been radio silence. I'm taking this to be the same as dad's response: a silence that hurts. My fiance and also my best friend are proud of me. The thing is, my fiance isn't necessarily validating my feelings. Dad not texting me is apparently a mistake on my part: "maybe he's just busy". I mean, no. No. He's not just busy, and he's giving me the silent middle-finger reaction. My best friend is dropping hints every now and then that I should find an LGBT counselor, someone to talk about my pain with. All this to say... Is wearing the Pulse shirt to a baby shower rude? I don't want to offend everyone there, but too I want to elicit some sort of data-gaining response from my family. Does the pain fade? I mean, let's assume that my dad is going to ignore me forever. Will it fade?
That's pretty tough. I can see how you'd be upset. I'm not sure what to say about wearing the t-shirt to the shower. Would it be in character for you to "take a stand" or would this really shock people separate from their Catholic ways? Would they even know what it meant? It sounds like your coming out is still quite recent, right? People are probably still getting used to the news. Your father may even just be keeping quiet so as not to upset your mother. Do you think that's possible? He may very well support you but isn't the kind of guy to bring it up. Will he be at the shower? Maybe you could find a quiet time to touch base with him, just the two of you. Your sister sounds like a piece of work. If I were you, I would simply reply, "Thanks for your support. I know who's on my side now if I ever need someone to talk to." Obviously she wasn't supportive so maybe she'll get the hint. I firmly believe you can't tell anything by silence no matter how much it feels like one thing or the other. If you've got the wherewithal to bring it up again, I would ask your father and youngest sister if they had any thoughts or comments about your coming out because you value them and could use some support. My 2 cents.
You are not going to please everyone, even if that will feel very hard at first. Those who love you unconditionally will find a way to get over it, to get over the biphobia/homophobia they have been brought up with. I read recently an article on views about homosexuality; one bright spot was that now 58% of American Catholics now support gay marriage. Public Opinion on Gay Marriage in the U.S. | Pew Research Center It will help if you continue the coming out process to friends and extended family, but I don't know if the Pulse shirt would look too casual for a baby shower (depends on how formal it is). Perhaps you could get a rainbow wristband or some other jewelry to show your support for gay rights. Talking to a counselor with LGBT experience could help a lot. Remember, homophobia is the real lifestyle choice. If they can learn to hate, they can choose to love! So, try to focus on your life and your life with your fiance, and be consistent in dealing with unaccepting family. They should not expect you to be silent for their own "comfort".
