So I came out to my dad in March and he was totally cool with it but he agreed to keep it between the two of us and not tell my mum and brother, who I've had issues with in the past regarding my sexuality. We agreed that I would wait until I felt more comfortable with myself until I came out to them too. Since then, every time I start to feel settled in my own skin, I freak out when I think about my mum and extended family and go right back in the closet again, telling myself that I need to try harder with guys, convincing myself I have a crush on someone etc and generally being an anxious, tearful hot mess. It's become a bit of a joke to be completely honest. And my dad thinks so too. Things started to reach breaking point this evening... My entire family is heading to Dominica (where we're from) in September for a memorial service for the fifth anniversary of my grandmother's passing and as much as I love and miss her, I didn't feel I could go because a) I'm saving up for my postgraduate course in October and couldn't afford he flight; b) my family is Catholic and quite homophobic and I find it difficult to be around them; c) Dominica is stupidly homophobic and d) I hoped to come out to my mum by then and didn't think she'd want me around. Either way, I spent two months trying to make my mind up about going, flights got expensive and tonight, I was forced to make a decision. I opted out despite my mum offering to pay for some of the trip and naturally my mum, dad and brother were angry with me for wasting their time and money. Mum and bro for my poor decision making skills and dad for allowing my sexuality to be an issue in yet another matter in my life. He now wants me to tell my mum and brother so that we can clear the air and uncomplicate boh his life and my life. I know it's the right thing to do but it feels a bit sudden. And coming out to them still scares me even though I know my dad is onside, especially with my mum. This'll be the third time I have to discuss this with her :bang: Any advice on how to stop this being my family's dirty little secret? I feel incredibly guilty for putting this all on my dad :tears:
I can't help with the missing the trip, as I think choosing to use you money for education is a bit more important. Not sure how your mom and brother think education is a poor life choice. It seems to me your dad is supportive, and it probably isn't easy on him to keep your secret. You didn't say when the trip is, but I would wait until after the trip. Maybe it will have given your family a chance to relax a little. I am assuming you are not living with them any more, so if they don't take it well you will still have a safe place to live. I do think you and your father will feel a lot better and less stressed after you tell the rest of your family.
Thank you for your advice It's in September and my dad called me today to tell me he wants me to do it ASAP. I guess it's time to face the music. And I do live with them. I move out in the beginning of October.
I think your dad is right, my friend. Secrets divide family members to an agonizing and insidious degree. You don't realize how much damage a "dirty little secret" can cause until you are already surveying the wreckage it leaves in its wake. I understand coming out to your whole family may not be easy, but maintaining a lie is even harder in the long run. You were courageous to tell your father. You can do the same again with your mom. I pray that God will guide you in this process to the right outcome. Hang in there and don't lose faith. Don't underestimate the power of your family's (and God's) love for you, my friend.
The only person I was lying to was myself. I know I don't want to have sexual relations with men but I was holding on because I was holding on to my family. I told my mum about an hour ago and as expected it went horribly. I feel like shit now but at least my dad doesn't have to hide anything from her anymore I suppose... ---------- Post added 5th Jul 2016 at 09:22 PM ---------- But you are right, Hunter8. The longer it stayed a secret, the harder it got. And my dad has been so great I felt selfish for continuing to put him through that.
