1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Does he like me? How to let him know? (Mormon missionary)

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Mormon, Jul 8, 2016.

?

Do you think he likes me? Should I tell him?

  1. Yes, he likes you. You should tell him.

    25.0%
  2. Yes, he likes you but it's too risky so don't tell him.

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  3. I don't know

    37.5%
  4. No, he doesn't like you. You shouldn't tell him.

    12.5%
  5. No, he doesn't like you but you should still tell him to get it off your chest.

    25.0%
  1. Mormon

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 8, 2016
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    private
    Gender:
    Androgyne
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Okay, a bit of background. In bullet form point:
    -I started investigating the LDS church in April, was baptised in May and have been a very active member ever since, helping the missionaries several times a week with teaching other members/investigators.
    -The missionary that I have a crush on (let's call him Mitchel) knows I'm gay but doesn't know I like him. I've known him since the very beginning, back in April
    -Ignoring the fact that he's a missionary for the moment, he does a lot of things that would usually mean that the guy likes you:
    -He acts shy around me sometimes, yet other times acts super friendly
    -He laughs at my jokes even though they're never that funny
    -He remembers every small thing about me, even if I only told him the thing once several months ago
    -Whenever I see a good-looking guy when me and the missionaries are somewhere (eg Starbucks) and I watch as that guy walks past, Mitchel always looks to see who I'm looking at
    -During church last Sunday, we were all out in the corridor. I got a random b*ner (these things happen, especially since I haven't masturbated since April, because the church forbids it) I went away from everyone else so that no one would notice but before I had time for it to disappear, Mitchel came over and started talking to me. Guys don't usually talk to other guys when they have randoms: he's a guy too so he should know that I wanted no one to see me while I had this dilemma. He started talking to me, and stood extremely close to me (way closer than a guy would usually stand to their friends), he told me that I shouldn't "lie to myself", that I shouldn't have to find a girlfriend (even though other church members had said that that was a commandment) and then he walked away when he saw that another church member was going over to where we were. After that, he didn't talk to me for the rest of the day.
    -When we're sitting together, he always mirrors my foot movements. Sometimes he does this quite noticeably: lifting one of his feet in the air before putting it down again
    So maybe he might like me, maybe he doesn't.
    But the thing is, this weekend I'm meant to be playing volleyball with the church (today) and going to church itself (Sunday). However, because I'm pretty upset and confused about my feelings for this guy, I think it's best if I spend a weekend away from church stuff.
    He'll probably ring to check up on me, to ask me why I didn't attend church/volleyball. How can I possibly tell him the reason for my absence without lying? How do I tell him that I like him, without creeping him out?
    Also, why would he sometimes act very shy around me, and act like I don't even exist, but then other times he acts super friendly around me? I'm pretty good at reading people, but he's the only person who's ever acted like that. Am I correct in saying that that might be a sign he likes me??

    QUESTIONS:
    1. Why does he ignore me sometimes and act super-friendly other times?
    2. Why did he talk to me when I had a b*ner, when he knows (being a guy himself) that I wanted no one to see me during an embarassing moment like that?
    3. From the behaviour I described, does it sound like he likes me or am I reading too much into it?
    4. If he does like me, how do I let him know?

    And yes, I realise that-if we both like each other-our faith could prevent the relationship from happening. I'd be happy with a friendship - we both know that we like one another but we choose not to act on it - and all I really want to know right now is how to open up to him, so that I can get this off my chest. Keeping it secret means that I always feel uncomfortable around him, like I'm being dishonest or something.
     
  2. resu

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2013
    Messages:
    4,968
    Likes Received:
    395
    Location:
    Oklahoma City
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    1. Maybe he is confused about his own sexuality and religious teachings. Maybe he is bi, or just straight, or even gay. No one is a mind reader, so the only way you will get the truth is by asking him (and hoping he himself is honest).

    2. Some people can be awkward and not know they should stay away. Others think it's natural and are unfazed. Again, you don't know why he did what he did unless you ask.

    3. You should really ask yourself what are your limits for acting on your [natural] physical feelings because your church has some strict teachings, and there comes a point where you are going to be practicing an unorthodox way of life. You could create a lot of anxiety and stress if you try and pursue someone who is trying to be orthodox in their religious life, no matter what their orientation.

    4. I think probably one simple option would be to say you are feeling some conflicts and hopefully coming out to him, unless you are already certain he knows you are gay. Once that is settled, he shouldn't be surprised if you then admit you have feelings for him. It's best to do that privately, and getting that off your chest may help you even if he doesn't respond as you hoped.
     
  3. BeeLee

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 3, 2016
    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Salt Lake City, Utah
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I feel for you dude, missionaries are the worst to fall for. I have honestly been there, and it is terrible. I've myself have been a member of the church for all of my life, and its complicated. So, I hope this helps, maybe :/

    To start, Mormon boys are notorious for following gay stereotypes. They often have high voices, tend to really care about there looks, and have no problems with (what us LGBT folk would consider) checking the same-sex out. That's why a lot of Mormon girls joke that they get along with the boys better because they tend to act like there gay best friends. It really is cringe worthy.

    So, I have a strong feeling that this is one of those cases. But, in the case that he does like you, there will be problems (As you mentioned. So if anything were to happen he would have to tell the local authorities, which would cause repercussions to him. On top of that they are not allowed to do anything by themselves, so if you call him, his companion will probably be listening. Nothing is suppose to be private in his life as to make sure he is following the Mormon doctrine to the T. As you can probably tell by now, the Mormon church really isn't that accepting, members are constantly getting ex-communicated for perusing the same sex. (If you want to look up the manual for same-sex attraction and have the gospel library app then look in the Family section for "Let Virtue garnish Thy Thoughts")

    And I am not sure if you know this, but, Mormon missionaries only stay in one place for about a month, or so, and then they are relocated. So, chances are he will leave before long. They do this so that the missionaries cannot form attachments to the investigators (people who are looking to join the church.)

    So, if you really like him, write him a letter explaining it. But, honestly, even that is dangerous territory. Because his "mission" right now is to get you to join the church through baptism. If he suspects that you won't magically become straight, they may stop visiting you all together or at least minimize it. (I've had this happen while I was "trekking" with missionaries. The missionaries told me how they used to visit a lesbian couple but upon realizing they wouldn't change they marked them as a no-go and stopped visiting. {Talk about killing my queer little dreams :bang:, [I might have had a crush on one of them.:icon_redf:tears:]}

    But, one way I can honestly think of this working is if you wait. After he gets off his mission he will be free from all of the safety measures and you can talk freely and openly without the worry of him immediately ditching you for the sake of keeping himself clean. Until then be his friend, and if something happens then let it. :icon_wink

    Anyways, I've probably gone on long enough. I hope that this makes since and if you have any questions please ask. I hope that you don't see the Mormon church as something terrible now, its not. It just has a lot of problems when it comes to the LGBT, but they try to hide that as best they can. Especially when your an investigator. So learning these things now if a lot nicer then ten years too late.
     
  4. Mormon

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 8, 2016
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    private
    Gender:
    Androgyne
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay



    --------------

     
  5. BeeLee

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 3, 2016
    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Salt Lake City, Utah
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I see why you are so confused! Normally missionaries act way differently and are not so excepting towards the gay lifestyle. Which leads me to think maybe something is going on.

    I've thought of something that might get a conversation going. You could ask him if he has a special Jane back home. (That is basically Mormon slang for having a girl wait while they are on a mission.) It might help you to figure out whether he is taken and might lead to interesting conversations. You might even figure out if he was dating at all, so that might help.

    And to answer you question, YES! At the end of there mission, missionaries will go around and get email addresses from the people that they were friends with. Then once they get home they will be able to talk to you and get to know you without any restrictions.

    On top of this, a lot of times they will go back to the area that that they served in to reconnect with the people and see how things have changed. So, if his feelings are requited, there is a high chance that he will save up the money and come back. (This actually happens a lot, Mormons typically meet at BYU or on their mission, so it would not surprise in the slightest.)

    Finally, seeing how he is comfortable with you, I think that a letter would actually be safe. As long as it didn't go too in depth about your feelings. Because he obviously is planning on teaching you despite the churches view, and seems to be quite comfortable with it. So I would say go for it, just maybe try to keep it private from his partner.
     
  6. Mormon

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 8, 2016
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    private
    Gender:
    Androgyne
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Hmmm...so I'm just after meeting with them again and a lot of strange stuff happened :O

    We were meant to be teaching an investigator but he never showed up. Instead, the missionary I like (let's call him Elder Mitchel) and his companion (Elder Snow) decided to teach me about eternal marriage, something I've been asking to be taught for quite a while - ever since that missionary said that it wasn't actually a commandment to get married. However, the other two missionaries in our area had the keys to the church so we had to drive into town to meet with them, to get the keys.

    When Elder Snow had turned the corner of the church, to go to the carpark and get into the car, me and Elder Mitchel were alone in front of the church and he decided to play with my tie and say that he liked my new shirt (which has a design on it, unlike most of the shirts I wear with my suit, which are white). This could correlate with your comment that missionaries normally act way differently and maybe there's something else going on. I was taken by surprise, so I just rambled on about how it used be my brother's shirt ... what should I have done in that situation? (should something like that happen again) Should I compliment him like that sometime, when Snow isn't around or would that make it too obvious? (Yes, I'm inexperienced...usually when I like a guy, I can just flat-right admit it to him, I'm not used to dealing with closet guys)

    When we got to the city centre, where the other missionaries were,they were talking to a new investigator, who's also gay, and they told me that they wanted me to help teach him this Friday, because he has the same questions that I had (ie the gay stuff). Apparently the missionaries had gone behind my back and told him that I was gay, without asking me if it was okay to disclose that personal information to someone I had never even met, but that's an argument for another time...

    Anyways, we got the keys and then me, Mitchel and Snow returned to the church. We went into the classroom, but Snow had to go to another room (the library) to collect some pamphlets on marriage and the family, leaving me and Mitchel alone in the same room. I thought I'd try to get a conversation going, so I said that I was glad that we were finally having this lesson on marriage, because Mitchel had told me about how it's not a commandment while other people had told me elsewise. I said this to try and see if he'd say why he had said it isn't a commandment but he didn't say anything.


    When Snow returned, we had the lesson and both of them said that marriage is a commandment (contradicting Mitchel's earlier statement) and they both treated being gay like it was some type of choice. What's interesting about this is how this contradicted completely with Mitchel's earlier statements. Admittedly, he was a lot quieter throughout the lesson than Snow was, but he didn't disagree with him either. If anything, it felt like I was being cornered/ambushed with the same homophobic tripe that religious folk always spew at gay people (it's not a choice/you need to get married to reach the highest level of exaltation/I have a gay friend who married a woman and is happier now than he'd be if he had continued being gay etc)

    And then the lesson ended and they drove me home.

    Afterwards, I sent a txt saying about how I'm meeting a gay investigator with the other missionaries and am wondering whether gay mormons are allowed to admit to who they have a crush on, or if saying it is just as bad as acting on it, (if I'm allowed to admit it, then the investigator will know that joining the church doesn't mean you have to completely hide your feelings). I didn't say in the txt who it is that I'm crushing on, and they haven't replied yet (it's night-time so they're probably asleep) but maybe this could give Mitchel a hint and get the conversation started. If it doesn't, then I'll start asking him about if he has a special Jane back home, like you suggested :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Also, thanks for explaining about how missionaries are able to get the emails. I haven't been asked for anyone's email yet even though missionaries have transferred out of the area since I've been there...is that just me not being as friendly with those missionaries, or do missionaries usually ask for emails from everyone in all their areas after their entire mission is completed, instead of asking for emails every transfer? Oh, and he actually does have my email, he had to email me my baptism picture a few months ago, so maybe if he does want to get in touch, he won't even need to ask for my email again :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  7. BeeLee

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 3, 2016
    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Salt Lake City, Utah
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I'm convinced. He has to like you or else he is giving you some weird signals. The general rule is that you are not supposed to touch anyone on your mission because that allows you to get to close to someone. So, it doesn't shock me at all that he only did it when his partner left, because if his partner was there he could have got into some problems.

    (Oh, I forgot to mention this, but if a gay person wants to go on a mission they have to have three years in which they have had no sexual contact with the same sex, so that might be something to note when you talk to him about any Jane's.)

    Also, the fact that he made marriage seem like it was not important is very odd. That is literally one of the biggest commandments the church has, because that is how you "advance" in the church. If you don't have a wife and kids then you miss out on a lot! So it is really strange that he wouldn't proclaim that from the start, especially since you are gay.

    A lot of missionaries are very picky-choosy about who's email they get, but it is generally anyone that you would consider a friend. So it is good that he has it already. Hopefully he will use it :icon_wink
     
  8. Mormon

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 8, 2016
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    private
    Gender:
    Androgyne
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay

    Thanks. I didn't actually know about the rule that missionaries can't go on a mission if they've had gay sex within the three years before going...that's something I'll definitely keep in mind when I go on my mission. Last time I had sex was when I was 20, in the summer of last year (just over a year ago now) so hopefully I'll be able to go when I'm 23, but I'll definitely have to keep it in mind :grin:

    Seeing him during church tomorrow and hopefully by the end of next week I'll have an answer :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  9. faustian1

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 4, 2011
    Messages:
    722
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Spokane, WA
    I'm not LDS, but I have to say this thread is so thought-provoking. I learn things on here everyday.

    Not only that, but I may consider bringing up this topic next time a couple of missionaries appear at my door. :smilewave

    Or not. I don't want to make anyone blush.